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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
CheesyWeez · 25/05/2016 13:54

Do whatever you need to get out of the situation as fast as possible, you must be wanting to put it behind you, settle down and study for your next exams. This kind of thing takes up far too much emotional time and energy, I'm sorry this happened OP.

UpsiLondoes · 25/05/2016 14:03

If you pay him, he will laugh at how stupid and weak you are for giving him an easy £200.

You don't even know the actual cost!

MsBojangles · 25/05/2016 14:08

Thing is, a bloke like this won't just meekly fade into the distance even if she does pay. It's about punishment.

Yep, it took me almost 5 years and police intervention to finally shake off a twat like that. Don't pay and block him from every possible aspect of your life, move on and don't look back!

StillYummy · 25/05/2016 14:17

I would block him on everything

make shore everyone knows your broken up (to stop neibours with keys letting him in or work collogues telling him where you are if he calls).

change all your pass words and PIN numbers encase you ever logged into anything on his computer etc. I would then move when my contract was up.

Get a clap test (just cos it is good practic between partners, not cos I think you have anything to worry about)

I am a big fan of the clean slate! As you can prob tell.

StillYummy · 25/05/2016 14:19

Realised that makes no sense, I would move house when my contract was up.

LaConnerie · 25/05/2016 14:25

Don't pay OP.

I know you have said by now that you won't, but I wanted to reiterate that point!

I would send one short sharp text along the lines of 'Do not contact me again, any attempt to do so will be notified to the Police as harrassment'.

Then block him, straight away, everywhere you can, phone, FB, etc.

BreakWindandFire · 25/05/2016 14:33

While you have every right not to pay, if you've made a written offer to reimburse him, it might be enough for him to take you to the small claims court and wave it around as 'proof' of a joint agreement rather than a gift. He's clearly an arse, so why wouldn't he do this?

You might have evidence to counter his claim, but it's cheap for him to do and could cause you a lot of hassle - which you don't need as a junior doctor! It could be hanging over you for months.

£200 - small price for peace of mind.

MojoPin · 25/05/2016 14:33

Whether you can afford it or not is irrelevant. Other than it being unreasonable for you to have to give him money for a present he got for you (whilst he has insulted your intelligence), there is also NO guarantee that this will shut him or the situation up... who knows where he might push it. Keep your savings and tell him to do one.

Musicaltheatremum · 25/05/2016 14:53

OP, block him and stop reflecting on things. Keep that for the dreaded eportfolio. Wink
If you understand my reference then you are definitely a junior doctor which silver birch seems to doubt for some reason.

Marynary · 25/05/2016 15:07

I would reply to his recent text reiterating that you are not refunding the cost of his birthday present to you, tell him that you will contact the police if he continues to harass you and then block him. Keep the previous abusive messages.

ijustdontknowanymore · 26/05/2016 00:01

Since when did it become a requirement to pay for your 'share' of a gift HE bought, unprompted, for you? YANBU - tell him that you will not be paying anything and not to contact you again.

Mummyme1987 · 26/05/2016 00:12

Surely if it was a present then he actually owes you the £400 holiday?

Mummyme1987 · 26/05/2016 00:14

A court may well find that he owes you the £400 as he gave it for a gift! Remind him of that.

Guiltydilemma · 26/05/2016 00:16

Just a thought but have you seen evidence that this holiday was actually booked and paid for??? It's not a possibility that he acted such a dick to encourage you to finish him and then claim money for a holiday that's not even paid for is it?? You sound well rid anyway. Onwards and upwards!

MadamDeathstare · 26/05/2016 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Homebird8 · 26/05/2016 00:47

He wants you to give him money for a gift to you?
He wants you to give him money for a gift you haven't even received?

You only pay for something you get. And you don't pay for gifts.

What he wants is you to give him some money. Don't.

Lilacpink40 · 26/05/2016 00:54

YANBU. I note messages on here that say you're a doctor so pay it, but that £200 could go to the debts you accrued while studying hard!
Not fair for anyone to pay for gift they don't want; so don't pay.

Toddzoid · 26/05/2016 07:25

No fucking way would I pay. I had to accept a £120 loss when I left my EA ex but that was a small price to pay, believe me...

You need to block his number, block him on all social media if he's there and leave it at that.

Toddzoid · 26/05/2016 07:26

A) it was a present so you owe him nothing anyway
B) he's using it as a method of control

Oysterbabe · 26/05/2016 07:29

I think I would have just laughed and blocked him.
Definitely don't pay, yanbu at all. He packed an amazing amount of crap into just 4 months!

Skittlesss · 26/05/2016 07:39

Block him. Don't respond to anything. If he continues then report to the police for harassment.

You don't owe him a thing and you certainly don't need this stress in your life. Concentrate on your career - things won't be hard forever :) good luck xx

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2016 12:14

Op I woukd pay, it will get him off your back and tie any loose ends. We are all human, and make mistakes, my friend is in a very good profession, highly talented and intelligent, yet she fell for an abusive knobjocky. She is no longer with him thank goodness, but they have a child time they which still connects them together.

Willow2016 · 26/05/2016 12:32

Its not necessarily going to get him off her back though. Its keeping communication open and she should be shutting the door on this firmly.

She didnt ask for the holiday, he did it as a gift (although what the actual price in emotional terms would have been for op is anyones guess Hmm) he has no claims on her at all.

Its purely a way to control her cos she isnt rolling over and sitting up and begging like the good girlfriend she should be to someone who is so obviously intellectually superior to her! Wonder how he manages to say a Dr is inferior to him is a mystery!

SapphireStrange · 26/05/2016 12:35

Its not necessarily going to get him off her back though. Its keeping communication open and she should be shutting the door on this firmly.

Absolutely. Please don't pay, OP.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2016 12:41

Block him. Don't pay a penny.

Do the Freedom Programme .