Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
wombthereitis · 26/05/2016 13:08

You've dodged a massive bullet OP, he sounds very emotionally abusive. You owe him nothing.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 26/05/2016 18:57

Just thought I'd post a quick update:

Since yesterday, exBF sent me numerous messages on facebook/whatsapp/imessage (I did not reply to these).

I considered changing my mind and sending him the money just to get him off my back (I've seen him in action when he feels hard done by and it can be very aggressive), but instead sent him a message this evening along the lines of 'I'd be surprised if you accept this money since a) this was a gift b) not something I would have bought myself and c) you caused it to be cancelled by sending [quoted insulting texts]. If you still feel that I owe you this money then I will send it this evening. Please do not contact me after today'.

He finally seemed to realise that I was serious, and replied that he no longer wanted me to send him the money and wished me luck for the future.

I really do want to say thank you for all of the advice I have received; I am truly grateful. Flowers If I had not posted, I'm sure that I would have just sent the money. As per advice above, I will be taking a break from relationships for a while to focus on both my work/career and my approach to these types of situations.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 26/05/2016 19:01

Yeah Smile job done.

At least now you will spot a pratt a mile off Wink

ReggaeShark · 26/05/2016 19:11

Well done OP. Now please BLOCK HIM Smile

revealall · 26/05/2016 19:26

For the future Op, you shouldn't send long texts explaining yourself.

I'd have covered my back to the previous text you sent ( saying you would pay) by saying you only wrote that because you felt threatened and under duress. Then ask him to leave you alone. End of.

I'd wait a few weeks before celebrating. He sounds like trouble. BLOCK.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2016 19:28

You really need to have a good long think about why you ended up so bamboozled by this loser after only 4 months

You took actual leave of your senses, and I know as a jnr doctor you have plenty of intelligence

but street smarts ? Not so much. He saw you coming a mile off.

Having said that, many women give up their whole lives to pander to twats like this so 4 months and then out is actually pretty good going

next time, just freeze these fuckers out of your life the first time they show you who they are

SabineUndine · 26/05/2016 19:29

I wouldn't pay. I think he's already got someone else to go on holiday with him and they're getting a freebie. He thinks.

AyeAmarok · 26/05/2016 19:58

Bit harsh AF, she caught on pretty quick to be fair!

StarlingMurmuration · 26/05/2016 20:06

Ghost him. Block his number.

dowhatnow · 26/05/2016 20:19

If nothing else i hope that you have learnt from this thread that you need to respect yourself more. Expect to be treated by others, how you would treat them. Demand no less. They will only treat you how you let them. This arsehole should have been dumped at the first red flag. Even the comment about a top is unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated phased like that.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2016 20:59

I just said that, Aye

Dowser · 27/05/2016 10:46

I think AF was spot on and not harsh at all. Her fourth sentence was pretty positive I thought.

Unfortunately not all of us were born with all our buttons sewn on especially when it comes to other people and relationships.

My 64 year old mind boggles at what you tolerated . My 20 year old self would have appreciated some guidance from my 64 year old self.

I hope it's the end of the affair, to quote graham Greene , op . Time will tell. Sometimes people of his calibre are like a bad smell and they get off on tormenting their 'victim'. I hope he's just someone with ishoos and he learns from his experience too.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 27/05/2016 11:13

Result!!!

Well done OP. Now if I were you, I'd go and spend that £200 he was after on something that you do want or need to treat yourself!

Keep on with the medical training too. You're doing a great thing there!!!

Rupster · 27/05/2016 13:52

Let's hope this is the end of the matter regarding this man.

Now make sure you follow through on our advice and block him.

Take time to reflect on how you ended up with such a loser and what you will do differently next time to prevent yourself getting together with an idiot like this again.

UpsiLondoes · 27/05/2016 23:19

I don't agree it was well done and if you cave that easily and gift him £200 because of so little effort on his part (messages? Texts?) - he'll be baaaack.

CalleighDoodle · 27/05/2016 23:32

Op ensure you block him
On everything right now.

Guiltydilemma · 28/05/2016 00:04

Well done Op! xx

CheesyWeez · 28/05/2016 08:57

Upsi, OP didn't give him the money

coconutpie · 28/05/2016 09:26

Well done OP, but you really didn't need to justify yourself.

As for those suggesting to pay him - I'm shocked there were so many who suggested to do so, don't be a doormat and pay someone for something that they have no right to demand payment for.

If he continues to harass you, report him to the police.

Lucked · 28/05/2016 09:40

Well if he hadn't sent those messages you would have gone and no rational person would expect someone to stay in that sort of abusive relationship.

I think if you broke up with him out the blue or you left him for someone you should pay but why should you be out of pocket because you are the victim of abuse. It was his actions that caused the split so he has to accept the costs.

EveryoneElsie · 28/05/2016 09:45

coconutpie People were suggesting that as a way to enable OP to gain closure and get her to break contact, she was afraid of his aggression, and the money was bothering her.
I dont think anyone actually believed she owed him the money. He sounds like a total con artist and she was his mark.

She is clearly not assertive, so what you or I would have done is irrelevant. You do what you need to do to stay safe. That means be flexible.

Tiredbutfuckingfine · 28/05/2016 09:49

What evidence have you actually seen that he has paid for this holiday? I mean do you even have a confirmation or reservation email?
I say don't pay. It will piss him off hopefully, so that he will leave you alone. If you give in to it he will pop up and guilt you for cash again.
This person is not who you thought they were when you met.

EveryoneElsie · 28/05/2016 09:51

Pissing men off is not safe and wont make them leave you alone. Nothing will make a person leave you alone.
Stay safe first.

Mookbark · 28/05/2016 09:55

Well done OP, a lesson learned. Fwiw, I'm a doctor although ancient compared to you and obviously know lots of doctors. It's not that uncommon for female doctors to get involved with fuckwits like this. Brain smarts doesn't always mean being savvy in other areas and they aren't any less prone to low self esteem than anyone else. But you are young and got out pretty quickly, so feel proud of yourself for that. I know of people where it took years to have their eyes opened..

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 28/05/2016 22:18

He is now blocked on everything and I can't believe how much happier I feel already! I will definitely be making wiser decisions from now on and not ignoring any early warning signs.

This is almost reflective enough to deserve a place in the dreaded ePortfolio Wink

OP posts: