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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
EveryoneElsie · 25/05/2016 11:50

Pay him the £200 just to get rid of him then have no further contact.
It seems to be causing you a lot of angst, and you want telling what to do.
To me he sounds like a total con artist.

Seriously, go for assertiveness training. The fact that you are well educated does not mean you are equipped to deal with this.
Also, read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Games People Play and I'm OK, You;'re OK by Eric Berne.

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 11:50

Don't pay him! Don't respond to him. Just get on with your life and treat yourself to something frivilous that makes you happy Flowers

SnuffleGruntSnorter · 25/05/2016 11:50

Paying won't make him disappear Nd there's no radon for you to reimburse him for a gift. Block his number and move on with your life

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 11:53

I agree that even if you pay him he will find another reason to get in contact with you. So essentially you could be paying £200 for prolonged contact with him. Best to cut him out now and spend the £200 (or whatever your budget comfortably allows) on yourself

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/05/2016 11:54

I don't think it matters how much you earn or what your profession is.

You owe him nothing.

The holiday was a gift. The fact you're not going now is irrelevant.

Don't pay a penny. Block his number and forget he even existed.

Cleo1303 · 25/05/2016 11:54

Personally I wouldn't pay. It was a birthday present. Would you have wanted/afforded to pay £200 for this particular holiday if it hadn't been a birthday present from him?

blindsider · 25/05/2016 11:55

You haven't cancelled the holiday, you have just decided not to go, he still can.

HazelBite · 25/05/2016 11:56

Next time he asks for it tell him to take you to Court for it, he has not got a leg to stand on, I also think if you give into this he will see it as a sign of weakness and then there will be something else.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/05/2016 11:56

If your share was £200 it can't have been that exotic a holiday and he could presumably still go on his own.

Consider it a bullet dodged.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:56

EveryoneElsie I think you're right - I tend to avoid conflict at all costs and as a result I do get taken advantage of sometimes. This is not the first relationship where this sort of thing has happened (although it is the most extreme!), and I do need to take some action. I will order Games People play - thank you for the recommendation.

Thank you all for being so supportive - I really was worried I'd be told I was BU as I'd caused the cancellation and cost him a significant amount of money!

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 11:56

Would you have wanted/afforded to pay £200 for this particular holiday if it hadn't been a birthday present from him?

Good point. ~If it wasn't then don;t pay. If it was then spend your £200 on the same kind of holiday and go with someone else.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/05/2016 11:57

He's responsible for himself. Not you.

SapphireStrange · 25/05/2016 11:57

No, no, no. Do not pay.

You have no liability to discharge; it was a casual arrangement, and a present at that.

Send one text saying 'It was a present, not my 'share'.' Then block his number.

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 11:58

In the nicest way and sorry if this is a crap suggestion - but maybe use the £200 instead on the books recommended and help to become more assertive? With the career you are in I imagine you have to be fairly assertive so the foundations are there, they just need to be learned to be applied to your personal life.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:58

Interesting perspective Cleo1303. No, I would not have booked this holiday; It was not somewhere I particularly wanted to go and definitely would not have spent £200 on it.

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 25/05/2016 11:59

Take time to consider your options now you're rid of him, maybe you need to work on your self esteem or radar for wrong'uns, you have a lot going for you.

LagunaBubbles · 25/05/2016 11:59

Has he definitely booked a holiday? Have you even seen any proof? Either way I wouldnt pay.

Lweji · 25/05/2016 12:00

No, don't pay him and consider reporting to the police if he continues to pester you. Don't reply to him, apart from telling him that if he persists you'll report him for stalking.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/05/2016 12:02

Tell him that you're not paying for a 'gift' that you didn't ask for and now don't want.
Tell him that he can either try and claim it off his travel insurance (doubt he has any arranged) but this probably wouldn't happen or that he could find someone else to go on the holiday with and pay for the change of name on the tickets, none of which are your issue to sort out any longer.

Disengage and ignore from now on.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 12:04

LagunaBubbles yes he has definitely booked and paid for it. I have seen the confirmation email.

Does it make a difference if I know that he did not go on the holiday? I did cancel only a couple of days beforehand so probably too short notice for him to have rearranged for someone else to go with him.

I have just had a thought though; He may have managed to get some money back from the hotel booking in which case my share would not be £200. Should I ask him or just leave it?

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/05/2016 12:05

No! Just leave it! It's not your problem. Don't engage.

Marynary · 25/05/2016 12:05

I wouldn't pay him if the holiday was meant to be a present. You wouldn't give a refund for any other present you didn't use especially if it could be used by someone else e.g. he could go with a friend (if he has any). Considering that he's not exactly honest he may not have booked it anyway. Tell him that you are not refunding the cost of your "present".

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/05/2016 12:06

No of course it makes no difference whether he went or not! Whether he went or not makes no difference to the fact it was a gift does it?

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 12:06

Leave it. don't respond. Don't engage. Move forward and keep him firmly in the past.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/05/2016 12:07

I don't understand why you haven't blocked him yet. He's clearly a twat so get rid!

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