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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 13:03

holidaysarenice I completely agree RE: being a Dr putting men off! I suppose we could think of it as a positive in that those men are clearly insecure... Grin

SilverBirch I'm really not sure of your point - am I being unclear in some way?

OP posts:
38cody · 25/05/2016 13:04

You shouldn't have to pay - it was a gift but if you can afford it then I would. Just to be rid of him as he doesn't sound like the kind of man you want holding a grudge against you. I would pay just to sever ties if you can, although in principle, no, you don't owe him a penny.

blindsider · 25/05/2016 13:09

The point I was making was you had absolutely no reason for disbelieving that the OP was a Dr. So why should anyone take your anecdotal evidence that your relative was an FY1 seriously - really not too hard to follow.

AugustaFinkNottle · 25/05/2016 13:11

Tell him you've thought about it; it was a gift, and nobody pays for a gift, let alone a gift they haven't received. I strongly suspect that he could either sell the tickets or get someone else to go with him.

GabsAlot · 25/05/2016 13:12

he sounds like an arsehle and u dont owe him anything but youve said you'll pay and now youre not which will prob wind him up

just try and stop all contact with him

AuntMabel · 25/05/2016 13:18

Right decision not to pay OP. Cheeky bastard, can't believe there are people suggesting you should pay to get him off of your back, so reward him for being a twat basically? I think not.

Don't worry if you think you've implied you will. You've had time to reflect on the relationship and your parting due to his behaviour and it's not appropriate for you to be expected to (nor are you liable to) reimburse him for a gift.

Now block him from contacting you ever again.

Dowser · 25/05/2016 13:18

I wouldn't reply at all. Just call his bluff and block him.

If he starts getting nasty ( and I hope he doesn't have form for this ) depending on the scale of nastiness it's
A )solicitors letter outlining the fact that this was an ' unsolicited' gift. Equivalent to a company sending you a freebie then expecting you to pay for it
B) the police

Some of the comments on here :-(

Who hasn't been young and daft?

chunkymum1 · 25/05/2016 13:19

Clearly the sensible advice is either a) refuse and delete him from your phone/facebook/life (entirely reasonable since you did not have any say in booking the holiday in the first place and split from him because he was being vile to you) or b) pay him what he asks to get rid of him (but make sure you have something in writing so he can't come back asking for more).

But I'd be tempted to tell him you're not going to pay for something that you haven't had but luckily you have met an amazing new man that would like to go with you so you'll pay for the whole thing if he can arrange to have all the documentation etc put in your name. I'd expect this to piss him off immensely. Only works if you're willing to call his bluff and pay up (then take a friend along) but I'd be surprised if agreed. This plan is clearly rather childish and gaudy.

SecondMrsAshwell · 25/05/2016 13:19

I agree with not paying.

a) this will be the thin end of the wedge - he'll be texting you to pay your share of everything he's bought you just to keep you wrongfooted;
b) if you do give him the money, with his history, it'll probably go straight up his nose, down his throat or be smoked.

Dowser · 25/05/2016 13:21

Gabslot.

Try and lift your arm?
Now lift your arm?

There's no such thing as try and stop all communication with him. Just stop .

;-)

longo9995 · 25/05/2016 13:23

Flowers OP, he sounds dreadful! I agree with the majority of people on this post in that you owe him nothing. Think - if you bought a present for a friend and they did not want it, would you expect the money back? You clearly have some assertiveness issues and it is good that you are beginning to recognise this. I can full well believe you're a doctor as it is part of a junior doctor's job to deal with all sorts of unreasonable people in a calm empathetic manner and to try and see the best in people. He does not deserve you and I recommend that you take a break from dating for the short while to work on loving you! Best of luck!

Cleo1303 · 25/05/2016 13:25

Having settled that you didn't particular want to go to that destination and wouldn't have willingly paid for it yourself I think you should just reiterate that it was a birthday present and his decision to spend the money. If he had already taken you on an expensive day out with presents all the way he could hardly ask for the money back now, could he?

If you had said you did like the idea of the holiday I would have suggested trying to find a friend to go with you and they could pay for his ticket.

It is his own fault you are not going. He turned on you and could turn on you again if you went away on the holiday and why should you risk that? I think you should say that to him and suggest he finds another friend to go with him. If he doesn't know anyone who can go suggest he advertises for a companion. I wouldn't go on holiday with someone on that basis but there are people who do.

CheesyWeez · 25/05/2016 13:26

Maybe slightly off-topic but if there were flights which you did not go on, then EVEN if the flights are non-refundable, the AIRPORT TAX is refundable as the airline will not have paid it, as you didn't go.
Often the airport tax is actually most of the cost of the airline ticket.
People often don't claim it as they don't realize.
Whether you are up to telling him to apply for a refund, though, and so have to remain in contact about it, is up to you :-) Good luck OP.

Cleo1303 · 25/05/2016 13:28

sorry, didn't particularly want to go ...

gamerchick · 25/05/2016 13:29

Did he actually book a holiday or is he trying to just get cash out of you? He may be calculating like that.. A type of get you to dump them so they don't have to fork out for your birthday/Christmas type of thing?

OutToGetYou · 25/05/2016 13:29

You haven't "cost him £200" - he'd spent that anyway. In fact, you have saved him money - holidays have incidental costs, like travel, food, snacks, magazines, trips out. You've saved him all that.

It would have been far worse if you had gone on the holiday then dumped him.

For both of you!

I was dumped by a guy not long before a weekend away I had paid for as a birthday gift to him, it was probably more like £400, but I just lived with it. It's a risk you take - especially in newish relationships (mine wasn't particularly, and it was his 30th and he wanted the trip more than me, but hey ho).

Froginapan · 25/05/2016 13:32

Block him and think no more of it

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 13:33

He has now messaged again asking me to reply to his text!

I'm remembering the many horrible things he did (he once said "I know you really like that top but it doesn't look nice on you" whilst I was wearing said top, as an example). I am slightly worried as I do think he is rather unstable/unpredictable, but I hope he is sensible enough to not want to do anything drastic that might harm his future career prospects if for no other reason.

I'm so glad I posted - you've all helped my annoyance overtake any guilt/sympathy I was feeling towards him!

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 13:38

Ignore Ignore Ignore. You knew him for 4 months - you don't owe him anything.

CuteHoor · 25/05/2016 13:40

Continue to ignore. Is he likely to show up at your house or workplace?

PeppermintPasty · 25/05/2016 13:40

Lawyer here-fuck him off and block him. That is official legal advice Grin

No leg to stand on (him) should equal no fucks given (you).

Block him. It sounds as if once this 'issue' is out of the way, he will find something else to text you about in an effort to belittle you further.

Peridotisinvalid · 25/05/2016 13:44

Posting in extreme haste so have committed the sin of only quickly scanning the thread, but do you think that if you don't pay him the money he might take revenge by , for example, scratching your car (if you have one) or doing something else to get revenge? In which case it might be worth paying him for fear he would do something that would cost more and be more distressing. Since he's got form for criminal behaviour, I think that's worth considering.

ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2016 13:46

No but seriously....why exactly haven't you blocked him yet...?

Are you "too nice" to block someone?

Why are you letting him have such access to you?

CheesyWeez · 25/05/2016 13:47

I agree with holidays Junior doctors don't earn as much as people think, and also the term junior doctor makes people think they're students - when they are not, they already have a medical degree that took 5 or 6 years to achieve and are at least 24 years old, highly trained, in debt and working unsocial hours... I earned more than a junior doctor when I was 24 (computer programmer) and I didn't have to work unsocial hours. Sorry to hijack thread but junior doctors are not Mrs. Moneybags! The BF may think so though

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 25/05/2016 13:51

why haven't you blocked him yet?

Just. Do. It.