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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
Liiinooo · 25/05/2016 12:09

Your financial situation is irrelevant OP. You didn't ask him to book the holiday AND it was intended as a gift. You don't pay for gifts.

My DD bought a personalised gift for her boyfriend a couple of years ago and then they split up a few days before his birthday. She couldn't return it as it had been customised so she was lumbered with it. She certainly didn't invoice him for it.

Send the text that sapphire suggested and then block him. It sounds like you have had a lucky escape ending this relationship relatively quickly.

IlikePercyPig · 25/05/2016 12:10

Leave it, it's not your problem.

Starfish28 · 25/05/2016 12:10

Agree with everyone who is saying don't pay him and please find a way to block all contact from him. I'm sure it won't be the last you hear from him if you do pay him £200 so I don't think it is a straightforward way of doing it. The way we interact in our personal relationships has nothing to do with our professions so I'm not sure why people are being so harsh about it. If you are extremely conflict adverse and you are starting to see a pattern emerging with the partners you select maybe speaking it through with a counsellor/reading the suggested books might be a way forward. Good luck and I hope your next relationship is with a man who appreciates your worth.

BlueFolly · 25/05/2016 12:10

If the £200 would need to come from savings rather than 'petty cash' then definitely don't pay it. Don't engage beyond telling him to take you to court for the money.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 12:11

Thank you all for making me see this more clearly Flowers

I think I have decided not to pay him the money. However, in my (stupidly!) apologetic break-up text I did offer to pay (I have just realised I didn't mention that in my OP - sorry!). Should I now tell him that I have changed my mind and will not be paying, or completely ignore and block?

OP posts:
BeckyMcDonald · 25/05/2016 12:12

I'd give him the money. I don't think you should have to and I don't think he deserves it but I think it's the only thing that will take the wind out of his sails and get rid of him. Otherwise, he'll think he has some kind of right to keep contacting him. I think £200 is a small price to pay to get rid of a wanker.

SemiNormal · 25/05/2016 12:12

If the break up had been your fault ie if you cheated, then I would say pay up. However it's his fault for acting like an idiot so you owe him nothing IMO.

RedToothBrush · 25/05/2016 12:12

I'm terrible with conflict and I do genuinely feel bad that he is now out of pocket.

He is not out of pocket. There is nothing to stop him from still going.

I suspect if you pay him £200, he will try and find other ways to blackmail you out of money.

ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2016 12:13

Ignore and block. He still has no legal grounds.

Try being meaner! Imagine you're a consultant! Grin

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 12:13

Personally I would just message saying you have given it further thought and you have now decided not to pay. Then block him. Block him everywhere.

Hopefully others will have better advice though.

purplefox · 25/05/2016 12:14

Your job/financial situation is an irrelevance and I have no idea why the previous poster brought it up, if he'd bought you a £200 item for your birthday he couldn't turn around and as you to pay for it, this is no different.

Lweji · 25/05/2016 12:14

In that case, I'd just text him that upon reflection I didn't think I owed him anything and wouldn't pay him. And would tell him to stop pestering me for the money. Then not reply at all.

Eventually, if he becomes a nuisance, mention the police and if he persists, report.

KurriKurri · 25/05/2016 12:14

You definitely shouldn't pay - it was a gift. And as others have said block him everywhere and hope he disappears.

Having said that - and I don't want to alarm you - but do be careful - he sounds a bit unstable, be on your guard that he doesn't turn up at your house and start being aggressive (chain on door etc.) look after yourself.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 25/05/2016 12:15

Ghost him - ghosting was invented for tossers like this.

And seriously raise your standards, work on your self esteem before entering into any new relationship.

onwards and upwards Stressed

SapphireStrange · 25/05/2016 12:15

upon reflection I didn't think I owed him anything

Skip the 'upon reflection' and 'didn't think'!

Just 'It was a present; it wasn't a 'share' of anything.' BLOCK.

EllsTeeth · 25/05/2016 12:16

Goodness no don't pay! Ignore him, bar one final text telling him you're not paying and to leave you alone. Then move on with your life and forget about him. He sounds jealous and insecure. Next time choose a man who is your intellectual equal! Or have a break from men and enjoy yourself being single and getting your career established. You certainly don't need someone like this bringing you down and eroding your confidence.

EddieStobbart · 25/05/2016 12:17

Don't pay. He took the present away from you by being an arse. Why should you compensate him for his shitty behaviour?

Sassypants82 · 25/05/2016 12:20

Don't pay & report him for harassment if he doesn't stop bothering you. Also block him immediately.

Ginkypig · 25/05/2016 12:20

Change holiday to watch,scarf,Xbox etc would you expect to have to give it back or pay money towards it?

A gift is a gift end of!

He is using it as a final way to have control/abuse you and my advice is do not stand for it.

Tell him his repeated contact is harassment and as such if it continues you will be informing the police.
You do not "owe" him anything so don't pay him.

I can understand why you would want to pay it to get him out your hair and I would judge you if that was your choice but I'm so angry he has used this as way to corner and scare and control you!

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 12:20

I do feel so stupid for letting it get this far. Looking back, he was clearly incredibly controlling. If I didn't text him for more than an hour (often because I was working!) then he would send me pestering texts asking if I no longer liked him.

I'm more upset that I now feel I haven't put enough time into studying for some important exams in the summer due to dealing with his constant neediness than the £200. Sadly I can't ask him to reimburse me for that. I will not be making this mistake again.

OP posts:
CuteHoor · 25/05/2016 12:21

Absolutely no need to engage with him any further at all, OP. No money, no apologetic texts, not contact.

And absolutely, work on your assertiveness and boundaries. And your asshole radar needs polishing or new batteries or whatever it is that fuels asshole radars. Grin

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 12:22

You are not stupid. Move forward, look forward, and invest that £200 in yourself Flowers

GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/05/2016 12:23

It was your present. He should have allowed you to go without him.
You didn't cause it to be cancelled. He did.
He could have gone.
He chose not to.
You didn't ask for the holiday.
You wouldn't expect to pay for a bottle of perfume that was a gift. Particularly not if the perfume was one he liked but you didn't particularly and he had bought it for you to wear when with him.

SmashingInAthleticWear · 25/05/2016 12:24

Don't pay!! He'll just pocket the money and take someone else anyway!

goddessofsmallthings · 25/05/2016 12:24

What proof do you have that he has booked the alleged holiday and has paid for it in full and when is the departure date?

I see no reason why you should pay for what was intended as a birthday gift for you and, as has been said, more especially, when the giver is free to use the gift himself and take someone else with him if he wishes.

However, if you are considering being even more of a fool than you have been in becoming involved with this lowlife, I suggest you ask for a copy of the confirmed booking details and check with the hotel/booking agent that the holiday has indeed been paid for in full before you give any thought to parting with a penny of your hard earned savings.