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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:
Blondie1984 · 16/05/2016 01:04

I would be a bit miffed but if there was some chemistry there then I would go for the second date and see if things are better - but if he pulled a similar trick again then I would cut my losses

RockMeMomma · 16/05/2016 01:06

I would be a bit Hmm if a date treated me like that. IF you liked him, and he was nice for the time you spent alone together, I would give him a second chance. If the next date is the same, I would call it quits. I hope it is just a misunderstanding. Would you like to see him again?

TheWiseOldFairy · 16/05/2016 01:06

It's rude. Don't see him again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2016 01:07

I'd say that people are generally on their best behaviour on a first date and we teach people how to treat us. If you want to be waiting around and ignored then you've got a winner there.

I might just give another chance (only if he's really gorgeous, I totally fancied him and he's perfect in all other ways). If he was even a second late, that would be that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2016 01:08

BTW was he apologetic about the lateness?

Mrsw28 · 16/05/2016 01:08

It sounds more like he was meeting his friends at the bar and thought he'd have a date with you beforehand to kill some time. He sounds like an immature prick that knows he can put on the charm and so pushes his luck. I don't think I'd go to dinner with him just like that, if he really wants to he should put in a bit more effort.

OutToGetYou · 16/05/2016 01:10

Next!

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:11

He felt really bad for being late and profusely apologised, yes. He'd been on an impromptu night out the night before so was hungover and blamed that. I got over the lateness and was very much up for seeing him again until the friends turned up and I felt like a total outcast!

OP posts:
fatmomma99 · 16/05/2016 01:11

not being rude, but is he quite young (by which I mean under 25 or so?). Your friends are very important at that age, so he's possibly peacocking (see how many friends I have) or showing you off. I have a female friend who does blind dates (via internet) and she has various safety things built in (eg, phoning me at a particular time, or meeting mutual friends at a particular time/place).

He could have been doing either of those and it got out of hand. So possibly immature but not nasty?

I think in this situation I'd wait to see if he contacted me again and if so, what he suggests for a second date before I make up my mind for sure.

Did you like him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2016 01:14

I had a terminally late H at one point. Someone once told me that what someone is saying is, "my time is more important than your time". Not attractive.

Allalonenow · 16/05/2016 01:16

I'd have been irritated by his lateness, did he contact you to say he was running late?

It's no fun waiting about somewhere like a station say, next time arrange to meet inside the venue so at least you are comfortable and can have a coffee or a drink if your date is late.
The friends turning up was a bit off too I think, and probably pre arranged to get him out of the date situation.
Altogether, I don't think I'd be bothering meeting him again.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:17

We're both 26 which is young but I don't think awfully young. I did get a sense of being shown off though yes, at least that was the only remote sense I could make of it all. If it were my friends I'd have probably said hello and done a quick "this is such and such" then my friends would have gone to sit somewhere else in the bar and left us alone, I wouldn't have invited them to join in with my first date!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:19

I don't think it was prearranged. They'd been out shopping for a hamster cage of all things and popped into the bar afterwards, spotted us and came over to say hi but then he was all "oh why don't you come sit with us!". I felt like an idiot waiting around, I wouldn't mind five or ten minutes but half an hour was taking the piss. I did like him but the friends situation put me off.

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 16/05/2016 01:19

Are you kidding?

He's had an hour late because he was shit faced the night before, then his mates turn up and he chats to them instead of you?

Yes, OP, he sounds like a keeper Hmm

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:23

Doesn't sound good does it. I'm edging towards giving him a second chance because he did explain he wasn't at his best, had some crap news the night before hence the night out and had had a bit of a crap week prior so did seem sorry about it. But he wouldn't get a third chance if he screwed the next one up, I know that much.

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GDarling · 16/05/2016 01:27

Give him another try, a lovely meal should do it, was he shy when he met you? I quite like to meet their friends, you can find out quite a lot about what sort of people he hangs around with, did you like them? He is not hiding anything by being open with his friends, many men don't have nice friends, or have something to hide! Where the friends girls and fellas? Good luck.

RubyandAlexplayingfetch · 16/05/2016 01:28

They'd been out shopping for a hamster cage of all things

This made me laugh so much!!

Back to the point, I'd give him a second chance if you liked him that much before his friends came along. Maybe he's just very laid back

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:32

He is suuuuuper laid back. I got the feeling he didn't see it as doing anything wrong at all. His friends were nice, a male and female couple. I say they were nice, they didn't even look at me let alone talk to me. They were nice to him. I was pretty much a spare part sitting opposite the hamster cage Grin.

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Lynnm63 · 16/05/2016 01:33

Personally I'd give him a second chance. First date I was 'stood up', we arranged to meet in the coffee shop of a department store. It turns out there were two in that store the coffee shop in the basement he used to visit and the cafe restaurant on the 4th floor my friends and I used to visit. Second date we missed each other he was there at 7pm and I was there at 8pm. Mutual friend found it quite amusing that he'd seen us both in the same spot an hour apart. Third time we actually managed a date and today is our wedding anniversary 20+ years.
If mumsnet had been around in the 90's would I have been advised to try a third time?

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:34

He wasn't shy. I thought the meal setting sounded better too. Provided he doesn't choose a restaurant his friends frequent...

OP posts:
ample · 16/05/2016 01:54

YANBU, it was rude not to include you in the conversation. Was he nervous? (perhaps wanted friends to stay for back-up?)
I'm not making excuses for him or them. Both were rude. Did they know that you were on a date?
Depending on how much I liked him, I could be tempted to meet for a second date, but that would be the decider for me. Any funny business or rudeness and I would walk away.
It sounds as if you know what you want to do. It might be tricky but try to see it as a fresh start/clean slate on date number two.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 02:04

I'm not sure if they knew for an absolute fact that we were on a date but I'm guessing it was sort of obvious. I thought they were rude agreeing to sit there too, I'd have been all "oh no don't be silly, we don't want to get in your way." If it were my friend. We were three hours into the date by this point so nerves had worn off and we were talking and getting on very nicely. I will give him a second shot I think, it just threw me off. Hopefully next time goes better!

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IggyPopsicle · 16/05/2016 02:09

The friends situation was out of order, yes. A first date is all about getting to know a person, not their mates. Also, the fact that he was half an hour late because he'd gone out drinking the night before after receiving bad news doesn't really sit well. Was it a one-off or does he do it regularly? However, I'd be inclined to give him another go, on the condition he is on time, and his friends aren't in tow.

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 02:16

No, no, no - inviting his friends to sit with you? Beyond rude.....its just an insult.

If he can't be bothered to treat you well at this early stage then it could very well get worse.

Tartyflette · 16/05/2016 02:21

I'd be wary if he went along with his friends' ignoring you -- that is seriously rude of them (and not great behaviour on his part). They don't sound nice at all. And being late because of a hangover is not really an acceptable excuse.

(See PP which said a person's lateness is them telling you that their time is more important that yours. Yep.)