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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 16/05/2016 10:02

I think it might not be such a great idea to go on another date because clearly the attraction is there, and it's really hard (been there) to feel attracted to someone whose treatment of you you don't appreciate. Much harder to step away.

MrsMarigold · 16/05/2016 10:03

I think he sounds quite nice - quirky friends albeit a bit self-centred, warm, charismatic. I'd give it a go but I'm laid back and always think the more the merrier. Seriously you lot strike me as hard work.

ImperialBlether · 16/05/2016 10:06

So, MrsMarigold, the fact his friends ignored her and he didn't draw her into the conversation, causing her to leave on her own ten minutes later wouldn't concern you?

MLGs · 16/05/2016 10:09

I wouldn't want to go on another date with him. Inviting the friends was so rude! AMD then ignoring you. If he does this on first date he will be like it forever.

Reason for being late was pretty poor. I was late for a date the other week and ft terrible but my reason was childcare related.

Arkhamasylum · 16/05/2016 10:13

The fact that his friends ignored you would be a deal-breaker for me. That is unbelievably rude. And you had to leave your own date so he could continue his impromptu meeting with them? AND he was half an hour late?

He might not be a dickhead. He might just be blithe enough not to realise what he's doing. But how did the date make you feel? If it made you feel like shit, then it's not going to get any better.

The other thing is, if you end up have a relationship with him, you're going to have to end up having some kind of a relationship with these rude friends. Will you just be able to forget the fact that they treated you like nothing the first time they met you?

blueskywithclouds · 16/05/2016 10:14

I wouldn't go on a second date. He sounds really laid back, to the point where I could never put up with it. We just wouldn't be compatible. If you think you could accept this side of him then go for it but from your posts, it sounds like he isn't the best bloke for you.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 10:20

Like I say, the lateness I could overlook (as a one off! I wouldn't if that happened the second time too). He was apologetic about it and he kept me in the loop as I was waiting so I wasn't stood around thinking he might not turn up. I also (perhaps naively now after reading some of your advice!) could overlook the hangover. He'd had some rough news, he went out to a gig to forget things. I guess a first date wouldn't stop me doing that either although I wouldn't turn up late! I'd either rearrange it if I felt rough or I'd put on my best face for them and soldier through.

It really was the friends thing. For me I don't think first dates should involve anyone else but the two of you. I really wouldn't have minded a quick hello and introduction but the fact he invited them to sit with us is what threw me. And I was totally ignored, I may as well not have been there at all! They were all pretty laid back studenty types (too old to be actual students but they still were stuck in that zone iykwim), I honestly don't think this guy will have thought he was doing anything wrong! But he absolutely was, it made me feel so pushed out.

I couldn't really join in the conversation to the person asking if I'd attempted to talk to them. They were just discussing the antics of the night before so there wasn't really anything I could add to the mix. Also I was so taken aback I didn't really want to join in. I went to meet him, not his friends!

I don't think it was something he'd planned. They'd been out shopping and popped in afterwards for a drink, they came over to say hello which is normal rather than pretending they hadn't seen him I guess but then took him up on his offer of sitting with us which I wouldn't even think to do... Then blanked me. I don't know if he is a 'player' or not, he didn't come across as one at all but I guess it's possible.

I'm really torn now. I think it's worthy of one more try but if anything goes bad that time I wouldn't bother again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 10:25

I should say I only think he's worth a second try because we got along so well between the lateness and friends. If it had just been an all round shit date I wouldn't have even text him back afterwards.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/05/2016 10:29

I disagree with you re whether it's worth it. He's sat there on the date ignoring you and talking to other people who are also ignoring you! If you don't have someone treating you well at the start of the relationship how the hell do you think they'll behave at the end?

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 10:37

Oh come on, OP! You know deep down this guy isn't for you.
You sound desperate to be honest.

'We got on well between the lateness and the friends'.

Err- how long as that? Five minutes?

Getting on with someone is not a reason to accept immature behaviour and thoughtlessness. There are zillions of men you'd 'get on with' presumably because this guy was chatty, witty and a bit of a laugh? Not good enough reason.

I hate to be all doom and gloom but you may find the 2nd date is a figment of your imagination and it won't even materialise. He may be all talk.

Lweji · 16/05/2016 10:37

Out of curiosity, what reason did you give to leave and why didn't he go with you, but just to the door?

Lweji · 16/05/2016 10:39

And, btw, as they shared a night out, all the more reason to tell you all about it, rather than ignore you.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 10:40

It's quite funny because on other dates I've been on I've been far more brutal for much smaller things so the fact I'm willing to overlook and forgive all of this is strange for me, I swear I'd usually just ditch and move on. We were talking and together for maybe three or four hours before the friends rocked up and hijacked it... It's possible a second date wouldn't happen. It's not the be all and end all if it doesn't but I guess I'm interested in what he'd be like not hungover, not going through a rough time etc because he really was a nice man between the shit things he did. I sound like I'm minimising here, sorry. I'm coming around to the idea of him being a dickhead.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 16/05/2016 10:42

If a first date makes you feel concerned enough to start a thread on here then it's a very bad start, and personally I wouldn't persue it. I'd struggle to get past the lateness due to a hangover (especially if the date was in the evening!), but inviting his mates to sit with you while they have a cosy 3 way chat, to the point you feel uncomfortable and leave!? Nope. If he thinks blanking you in preference of his mates on your first date is acceptable, then why would you want anything more to do with him. You have to set your boundaries from day 1 and if you go on another date you've already set the bar lower than you should. It's often reeled out on here but "he's shown you who he is, so listen".

Lweji · 16/05/2016 10:43

You're falling into the trap of what he could be like, instead of what he is lime.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 10:43

I basically said I had to get off as I had work early the next morning which was true but I work from home so not the end of the world if I'm a bit tired and hungover myself. If they hadn't turned up I probably would have stayed out for another hour or two. And that's true, I've been in situations with my best friend when he's bumped into other people he knows and they always included me in the conversation. I do think they were just rude. He's text me to say he had a great time and we should meet again, I haven't yet replied... Should I bring up the fact I found it rude or not? I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/05/2016 10:43

... like, even.

Lweji · 16/05/2016 10:45

I might reply saying that I was sure he and his friends had had a great time, but sadly not me and wish him well.

AngryPrincess · 16/05/2016 10:47

My ex did the same thing. He's playing unpleasant games. Run. Run like the wind!

cozietoesie · 16/05/2016 10:49

Who chose/suggested the venue? Smile

Seeyounearertime · 16/05/2016 10:55

he went out the night before with his mates, was late turning up to your date, then ignored you in favour of his mates?

So he drinks too much, drinks regularly, gets up to drunken silliness that he repeats and revels in with is mates.
he's late, which points to unreliable in my book.
he's rude and will happily put his friends before you.

sounds like a catch to me... Hmm

Seeyounearertime · 16/05/2016 10:57

just to add.

Shouldnt a first date be about making first impressions, good first impressions? If this is his "Good" then what's his "Bad"?

shinynewusername · 16/05/2016 11:04

He was rude. But I'd probably give him one more chance if you like him. People do behave very oddly on first dates due to nerves.

angielou123 · 16/05/2016 11:09

I would also have left them to it, it doesn't sound prearranged. I'd probably give him another chance, if you did like him, you never know!

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 16/05/2016 11:15

Yes the friends thing was rude, but I wouldn't judge someone's whole life and personality on that one incident. Too many posters are going OTT about it. Nothing wrong with having a second date and then judging how you feel. I would also bring it up to see how he reacted about his friends that would tell you more. Something like "I did feel quite awkward when your friends joined us and was then ignored" just gauge his reaction from that.

Given how well you got on together and the fact you normally just cut them dead after, I'd say you are interested in seeing him again so why not. You have nothing to lose.