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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 16/05/2016 06:50

You can definitely do better OP.

MillionToOneChances · 16/05/2016 06:54

Sounds like he handled the lateness well. If that was a one-off then fair enough (hangover is a crap excuse though, so he's probably a poor time keeper).

Inviting his friends to join you, not introducing you and then ignoring you to chat exclusively with them - what's that all about?! I could understand if he was socially awkward, but doesn't sound like that's the case. I'm trying to work out how it actually went - maybe he intended to introduce you and the conversation ran away with him? Extremely laid-back people can be incredibly thoughtless, so consider whether you can put up with that.

LiquoriceAllsorts86 · 16/05/2016 06:55

The lateness, id forgive. This time.

The friends thing would put me right off though. Surely he could see you were being ignored?! Why on earth didn't he try to include you in the conversation? That would make me think he's not the guy for me. And I certainly wouldn't want to socialise with those particular friends in the future. They were all incredibly rude.

FoolMe · 16/05/2016 07:02

The friends thing was incredibly rude. I wouldn't stand for that...if he was showing you off he would surely have included you in the conversation so they could see how clever and funny you are.

Instead he just ignored you. Being laid back is not an excuse for being a thoughtless dickhead imo

Huppopapa · 16/05/2016 07:20

Poor form, I'm afraid.
The lateness is aggravating but the excuse is pathetic. Do you want to be romanced by a chap who is so incapable of controlling his impulses that he will get plastered to the extent he can't turn up a whole day later for a pre-arranged date?
And as for the friends, it may well have happened by accident, but if he won't prioritise you and if they (who can see him at any other time) can't accept it, then that is a social milieu you want to avoid.

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 07:26

He'd been out the night before with these friends so that made up for about 95% of their conversation, the antics of the previous night which obviously I couldn't join in with and I didn't really see why they needed to be sat discussing it the day after anyway. It is all very immature. He's added me on all of my social media accounts this morning!

I am torn between giving the benefit of the doubt because he was going through a rough patch and did explain he wasn't at his best or cutting my losses and accepting he's probably not a great person. He was great between the lateness and friends though!

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 16/05/2016 07:28

Has he been in touch since the end of the date?

I think it was nice he was relaxed enough with you to bring them over. On the other hand maybe it wasn't a coincidence they turned up! Maybe they were there to check you out!!

Lweji · 16/05/2016 07:30

He was great between the lateness and friends though!

So, if you split it in three, he was awful in 2 and good in 1. Not good odds.

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 07:31

Yes he text to ask I got home ok afterwards and this morning has added me on Facebook and Instagram.

I guess the friends could have been a premeditated thing but if that's the case it's really very sad for a grown man to think he needs to resort to tactics like that. Also if they were checking me out they did a really bad job of it not talking to me Grin.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 16/05/2016 07:31

You have just seen this guy AT HIS BEST. At his best, he was late, hungover and rude. And telling you he's going through a rough patch already? He's preparing the ground for shit behaviour, Why bother?

Also, the friends are rude. You'd have to spend time with these people.

I would send him a 'thanks, but no thanks' text and forget him.

Lweji · 16/05/2016 07:32

this morning has added me on Facebook and Instagram.

Too much too soon?
Maybe to make it harder for you to dump him?

TurnipCake · 16/05/2016 07:35

Second chance? Hmm Dating shouldn't be about making excuses for poor behaviour already.

Late - rude
Ignoring you in favour of people he had been on a bender with the previous night

Your time is precious and important. He has shown you in both instances he doesn't care about wasting it.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/05/2016 07:37

I would be inclined to give someone a second chance with lateness, with instant dismissal if they did it again.

The sidelining you for friends thing is fucking rude though. It tells you that if you become his girlfriend you can expect to tag along with him and his group and whatever drunken antics he and his amaaaaaaazing friends got up to and smile like you're enjoying it, regardless of how you feel, whether you want some alone time or what.

A first date should be focused on the other person. This studied casualness smells to me like it'd translate rapidly into not giving a shot about what you want or need.

LindyHemming · 16/05/2016 07:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2016 07:38

One date in and you're already excusing and minimising bad behaviour. How do you think that bodes for a relationship?

shovetheholly · 16/05/2016 08:07

People can be late, and bump into friends randomly. Just one of those things, I would be prepared to cut some slack. But both of them and I'd be Hmm.

What would tip it for me is the part where they came over and no-one made an effort to include you in the conversation. That's rude (from all of them) and anti-social. I think that your bowing out gracefully was the right thing to do... now comes the part where you RUN LIKE HELL!

Arfarfanarf · 16/05/2016 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf · 16/05/2016 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 16/05/2016 08:20

Have you said Yes on Facebook?

I wouldn't, not after one date.

blueturtle6 · 16/05/2016 08:20

Id be tempted to agree to dinner and turn up late...but that's very immature. And I tried it with DH he got there after ne and I was even more peeved!!

Baconyum · 16/05/2016 08:22

Absolutely agree first date he should be out to impress... If that's his best behaviour I dread to think what his worst is!

And his friends were ignorant and rude too!

juls1888 · 16/05/2016 08:25

If you felt you got on well, give it another go, you have nothing to lose.
I went on a first date and it ended up being a family party (with the whole family!) Then I wasn't sure of the way home (it was a diffent city about 45 minutes from home) so he came home with me and slept on the pullout bed in my room and met my family the next day. All very weird and cringey but we are still together and married 13 years later! And still laugh about the weirdest ever first date.

TheCrumpettyTree · 16/05/2016 08:29

Absolutely agree first date he should be out to impress... If that's his best behaviour I dread to think what his worst is!

^This. I wouldn't see him again.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 16/05/2016 08:40

If you wouldn't behave like that why should you put up with it from him? I would have walked out if I was being ignored on a first date. He sounds like a twat.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 08:40

I am torn between giving the benefit of the doubt because he was going through a rough patch

You are overthinking this, love.

You're supposed to be on a date - not acting as his mum or any agony aunt ie 'giving him a chance as he's going through a rough patch'

You're both 26. (Younger than both my DCs, btw.)

He's not ready for 'dating' in the sense you are.

A more mature person would have not got pissed the night before a new date, not been so daft as to expect the date to join in pub antics with a bunch of mates etc.

He's just too young for you. Move on.

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