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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this is poor first date etiquette or not?

280 replies

Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 01:01

I went on a first date earlier. For starters he was half an hour late which I thought was pretty terrible, I was loitering around the meeting spot feeling like a bit of an idiot and towards the end was extremely tempted to tell him where to stick it... However he more than made up for it during the date. He was warm, kind, funny, charasmatic etc. We were having a fab time... Until his friends turn up at the bar. Instead of a simple hello and introduction which is what I expected, he invited them to sit with us! There was zero effort to include me in the conversation either, it was pretty much as though I weren't there discussing things between themselves about their shared nights out and such. I made my excuses up after maybe ten or fifteen minutes and left. He walked me to the bar entrance, hugged and asked if we could go for dinner next weekend. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to actually and felt it had all been rather rude.

I asked my friend for advice and she said she'd have felt flattered he wanted to introduce her to his friends. I didn't see it like that at all but then I am quite the introvert so not sure whether that has a bearing on things! AIBU to find it rude or is it just me being awkward?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 11:16

OP did you know that adolescence now extends to age 25? I'm not making it up- plenty of psych research shows this.

This is a classic example of young man aged 26 still behaving like an adolescent and young woman, same age, but more mature.

Do you think he's on a forum now asking if he's blown it and will that gorgeous woman give him a 2nd chance?

Nope. he can't even see what he did wrong.

FGS , stop being so desperate.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 11:19

He suggested the venue. We were in one bar for the most part then after about two and a half hours there he suggested we move to another and we'd been there about an hour when his friends cropped up. He did seem very nervy, well he admitted he was nervous as hell at first anyway... I am inclined to give him one more shot just because I know people make mistakes and it might not be who he really is/may go better next time but if there is a next time I'll suggest the venue and definitely be more hard on him. If he's late and hungover again I wouldn't bother. I like to give people a second chance but no more than that.

He did admit this definitely was the worst he could ever be so not his best by any stretch of the imagination.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 11:22

And yes I am usually a lot more brutal with people on first dates. I don't go on loads but most of the ones I've been on I've never seen them again for much smaller things than this. We did get along well, the friend thing is literally the only thing that ruined it because the rest I could get past as a one off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 11:25

He said in his text that I was wonderful company so I'm thinking about saying something snarky such as "are you sure? I figured when your friends came along they were there to rescue you from my terrible conversational skills!" Or something to that effect. Right now I'm avoiding because I don't know what to make of it. Opinion is quite torn on here. I'm definitely going to talk to my mum about it later, I can usually trust her judgement and I have a feeling she'll tell me to cut him off too!

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 16/05/2016 11:26

Honestly?

If you forget the rudeness of it, if you were to start dating this guy, his friends would be part of your social group. If they couldn't be bothered you then, they won't make the effort in future.

To go out on the piss to that state before his date, says he's not really that invested in the idea of a serious relationship. Certainly not to the degree you clearly are. If he was, then going back to my original point, he'd have gone out of his way to ensure his friends involved you and made you feel welcome.

As for the 'going through a bad time' thing. See above point. He's not ready to be invested in the idea of a serious relationship. You are 'rebound girl' or 'comfort blanket'. Its also manipulative and not thinking of you or your needs.

He might be the 'right' type of guy. But he's not the 'right now' guy. You need both for a successful relationship.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 11:37

I sent the snarky remark back about his friends rescuing him from my terrible conversational skills and he replied:

I know a lot of people that go in so I should have picked a better place. I'm really sorry they gatecrashed our date. Great conversation. How about we do it again soon but with food, more conversation, less alcohol and me not feeling, looking or acting shit... Sound like a plan?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 11:43

OP you do come across as someone with a skewed sense of what is right and wrong in a relationship Even your subject line off 'date etiquette' seems to downplay the whole thing. It's not etiquette, it's his emotional maturity.

Etiquette is how you hold a knife and fork, or behave when you meet the Queen! What you describe is immature behaviour.

You clearly feel there is a huge chemistry and must fancy the pants off him, otherwise there is no other reason, other than you are desperate for a boyfriend. Any boyfriend.

And your idea about the reply to the text is game playing - not sarcy. If you send that, he will disappear. Either reply to arrange another date or send a polite- no thanks.

As PPs have said, if he was so hungover that he was late, then he hasn't put much effort into the date anyway and ought to have cancelled.

You're really over thinking this.

Seeyounearertime · 16/05/2016 11:45

you know OP, you could move on and the next guy be better looking, funnier, even more of match with what you want AND he won't ignore you, turn up hungover and late and basically treat you properly.

or you could go with this guy and have to put up wth this behaviour until you realise that he is exactly how you fear he is. immature, selfish, puts his friends and going out before you.

TheCrumpettyTree · 16/05/2016 11:47

The fact that his friends just ignored you is terrible! I wouldn't want to date someone with mates like that.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 11:49

Todd don't bother getting back to him, cut him loose. Seriously, you'll look back on this day in how ever long and wish you hadn't bothered.

His type are two-a-penny. Friendly, charming, probably quite attractive; says the right things, gets on well with people one on one and is used to them enjoying his company. YY to the person who said his friends ignored you because he has a "revolving door of women" in his life. If you had a mate who was looking for a nice girl to have a proper relationship with, you wouldn't crash their date, right? Or you'd be pleased for them and excited to meet the lady in question and you'd make a special effort to be nice and get to know them. This wouldn't usually be on a first date.

Ur, and he's added you on social media already? Confident much?? Smacks of someone who isn't expecting to get rebuked, despite all the obvious faux pas on his part. He clearly thinks that's all okay behaviour (despite any excuses) and thinks you're sure to put up with it. Half an hour late but of course you'll accept his friend requests because, you know, whatevs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he was lovely, but ask yourself; could I have been anyone? Was there anything about your conversation or whatever that made you think "you're not everyone's cup of tea, but you're mine, and I can see why I'd be yours". If there's nothing specific in what you liked about him and, more importantly, what you think he liked about you, ditch him.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 11:50

A real man would have moved away from his bunch of wanky friends and taken you to another bar, or wherever. he'd have made his excuses and said he was on a date with X and wanted to talk to her, not them. Or he'd have taken the time to make you feel comfortable.

He's just too young. This is studenty type behaviour. If you want to be his guinea pig while he learns how to treat women properly, carry on.

Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 11:50

I probably do have a skewed sense yes. The last man I dated was EA so it's taken me quite a long time (and some counselling) to even be in a place where I'm ready to date again. I've been on a handful of dates since and I've cut them off for probably quite petty things not wanting to put up with any amount of shit after what I went through with my last relationship. I guess I've lost sight through that of what's normal... But you're right, his behaviour was way off and totally unacceptable. If I didn't feel the amount of chemistry I did between the shit things I definitely would have cut my losses for being late alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddzoid · 16/05/2016 11:53

I feel like I'm making pathetic excuses for him here, I almost definitely am... But he clearly wasn't in the zone for a date and I don't think on any other day he'd have been like that which is why I'm willing to try one more time but I equally don't want to be taken for a fool so I don't know now.

OP posts:
BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 16/05/2016 11:56

Great, so now you aren't allowed to date someone based on a half hour snapshot of 2 of his friends. Meanwhile, in the real world, his response sounds good and I think he deserves another chance. He admitted he wasn't at his best.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 16/05/2016 11:57

If you want to go on another date Todd no-one's going to jump on you :) It probably sounded like I would, but do whatcha gotta do! Who knows, might be fun, and at least you'll know either way. ...just don't get suckered in if he turns out to be a class A wanker Wink

I wouldn't add him on social media or anything like that yet though; hold out until you've got a fairer idea what sort of person he is. That's a good rule in general to be fair, but certainly after a less than convincing first date!

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 11:58

Doesn't surprise me in the least that you put up with a former abusive relationship and therefore can't see the wood for the trees now. It's written all over every post here. He may be charming- I'm sure he is- but he's not right for you now. Maybe in 5 years'tt ime he'll be less of of an arse, but right now he's clearly got a lot to learn about dating.

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 11:58

I would give him a 2nd chance actually.

PollyPerky · 16/05/2016 12:05

why's that Whisky?

If you do give him a 2nd chance, I'd make him work for it. ie not accept the first day he suggests, play a bit hard to get. Not think of it as exclusive and set the bar very high for the date and any further ones. But generally, i think you sound much more mature than he is and it's not going to work out longer term.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/05/2016 12:19

I would go for the second date.

JustABigBearAlan · 16/05/2016 12:26

I have to disagree with lots of previous posters. I'd give him another chance. It sounds like you thought you were getting on well and you liked him.
Yes, the lateness isn't great, but he did let you know he was going to be late.
And yes, the friends thing isn't brilliant, but it sounds like they had a big night out and wanted to talk about it. All pretty normal. Yes, they should have included you more, but just sounds as if they were a little unsure/ nervous/ immature? I think it's hard to make a judgement so early on. I wouldn't dump someone just because his friends aren't very good at small talk. They may not even be friends he sees very often. You won't know any of the answers to this until you now him better.
No one's perfect and we all make mistakes. I'd go for another date or two with the guy and you'll soon get a feeling for what he's really like. If there are more warning signs, then dump him. But for the moment I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

Bettercallsaul1 · 16/05/2016 12:52

Definitely swipe left on this one, OP! You can do much better!

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 12:55

Polly Well, because she did have a good time with him in between him being late and the friends thing.

I think the late thing is worse than the friends thing actually.
I wouldn't have minded friends joining later on as i'm pretty chatty and would have just gone with the flow and it could have turned into a big. fun party night. But the OP went home, which is also fine, fair enough.

But the worse thing to happen if she goes on date 2 is that he is an idiot again and then she knows exactly what he is like. Maybe this was just a bad date though and they could have a great time and could end up happily ever after :D

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2016 12:56

But generally, i think you sound much more mature than he is and it's not going to work out longer term.

But that is ok, she can still have fun whilst dating. It may or may not work, that's the risk everyone takes!

Lynnm63 · 16/05/2016 12:57

As I said earlier I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. The thing is this is up to you and everything on here is just our opinion. Reading the comments though on the whole those who say give him a chance seem to be the ones who have a funny first date or three anecdote and then are still married to said date for many years.
second date he's proposing sounds more formal than the first so have a nice meal with the proviso no mates joining and see how you feel after that. It'd be a shame if in a few years you look back and he turns out to have been a decent guy for you but you'd dumped him.

RoboticSealpup · 16/05/2016 13:01

I'd give him another chance, but with relatively low expectations. Just see what happens, what have you got to lose? Nothing, as long as you don't invest emotionally - which I'm sure you won't so early on anyway! Have another go at figuring out if he's a good guy and if you like him. Gosh, some people here seem to treat dating like some kind of job interview...