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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be going off my husband over his pants?!?

167 replies

Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:02

We married last year. My husband is great in many ways, but his personal hygiene is putting me off any sort of physical relationship. Basically he seems incapable of properly cleaning his bum (apologies for anyone reading this), but his pants make me ill. A few months ago I tried to sensitively raise the issue and bought lots of toilet wipes for bathroom and there was a brief improvement, but it's started again and now he is hiding dirty pants eg in sports bag. This may sound silly but it actually is putting me totally off him. To me it's just pure laziness and total lack of cleanliness..... Am I being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Cookingongas · 18/04/2016 21:06

Shockyanbu!!!!

Wtf? He's an adult- if he fails to wipe his arse (!) he should at least wash the evidence before anyone finds out! Hiding them?!? Ffs.

44PumpLane · 18/04/2016 21:10

YANBU- this is totally grim and so unacceptable.

Reminds me of an episode of embarrassing bodies where a guy had all sorts of tests as he thought he had anal leakage and he was embarrassed he often had the smell of shit about him.....turned out there was nothing wrong with him but that he needed "to revisit his wiping technique"! boak

Out2pasture · 18/04/2016 21:14

it would be a game changer for sure.
is there physical reason for the leakage? both constipation and diarrhea can present as loose stool.
sadly this would bring out the "mother" in me and I would end up speaking to him like a child.

Original poster
Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:17

I can't even talk about it, but instead am actually thinking I can't live my marriage like this. It totally turns me and talking about it hasn't solved it.

OP posts:
PPie10 · 18/04/2016 21:19

Why are you tip toeing around this leaving hints with toilet wipes? You need to tell him exactly how disgusting his hygiene is.

penelope456 · 18/04/2016 21:20

What a dirty cunt, stick him outside in the garden and hose him downGrin

TheNaze73 · 18/04/2016 21:20

That is grim. Tell him directly, don't be subtle. He needs to hear it loud & clear

Original poster
Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:23

I've told him before and it was embarrassing. I can't face that conversation again as I know he will her annoyed with me and it will lead to a row. He probably would be annoyed that I was 'going through' his gym bag.

OP posts:
monkeysox · 18/04/2016 21:24

Dirty bastard. Grim.

Junosmum · 18/04/2016 21:25

Failing a medical reason for his dirty arsenal it's just grim. (I have a rectal prolapse and thoroughly cleaning is both difficult due to pockets and extremely painful).

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 18/04/2016 21:26

Oh jeez! I thought this was just going to be about him wearing his pants two days in a row.

You need to tell him how it makes you feel. Although God knows why he isn't wiping properly anyway, it's not that hard surely!

Writerwannabe83 · 18/04/2016 21:29

If he's hiding dirty pants then it means he knows what's happening and he knows it something to be ashamed off and something that just isn't acceptable.

How on earth can a man not wipe his bum properly?

However, on the flip side, are you sure there isn't a medical reason it's happening? Overspill issues or rectal muscles problems?

It may be that the fact he's hiding it and it's something that isn't stopping despite you having spoken about it may imply it's something he can't actually help but is embarrassed to talk about it?

newmumwithquestions · 18/04/2016 21:33

Oh I also thought this was going to be about not putting fresh pants on every day! Ewwww!

YAabsolutelyNBU. OH likes to have a shower after a poop (sorry is that too much information?) it's usually not practical to do so but if he can he will.

Original poster
Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:35

I'm a doctor so think he would discuss if he really had genuine health concern. I know there isn't a medical reason. I'm actually avoiding him at the moment as I'm so disgusted and can't seem to find an appropriate way to bring it up.

OP posts:
whois · 18/04/2016 21:36

I like to shower after a poo as well! So much easier getting 100% clean with soap and water than with toilet paper.

newmumwithquestions · 18/04/2016 21:36

writerwannabe if there was an improvement a few months ago when OP brought it up but it's deteriorated again wouldn't that suggest laziness rather than a medical problem?

whois · 18/04/2016 21:37

If you think there is no medical reason, and he is actively hiding the evidence it sounds a bit more strange than just being lazy with wiping. Like, it's not that hard to wipe your bum? And if he just didn't care why would he hide?

figureofspeech · 18/04/2016 21:38

Does he know that you find it disgusting to sleep with him because of this?

Did he have this problem before you married or is this a fairly recent development?

I'd replace the dry toilet roll with the wet toilet wipes tbh for a short while. Then reintroduce the normal loo rolls alongside the moist loo rolls just to test if it's deliberate or not.

SaucyJack · 18/04/2016 21:39

YANBU to find it grim.

What was his upbringing like? Were his parents EA? Does he have any MH difficulties?

It's quite unusual for a grown NT adult to mess their underwear through lack of personal care, and then hide them from his wife in shame. It's more of a potty training child's behaviour.

19lottie82 · 18/04/2016 21:39

I've never understood why men get skid marks in their boxers? It's gross. Are they incapable of wiping their arses or something?

Obviously it doesn't apply to all men, but it's been a non rare occurrence with maybe half of my exes!

ijustwannadance · 18/04/2016 21:40

Simply tell him to wipe his fucking arse or find a new wife.

GeorgeTheThird · 18/04/2016 21:41

You're a doctor - you must be good at telling it like it is? Tell it like it is!

Titsywoo · 18/04/2016 21:42

Is he very hairy in that area?

LeaLeander · 18/04/2016 21:44

This would end the relationship for me. Life is too short. If he's that lovely I would stay friends with him but not have a sexual or romantic relationship.

All of this advice about what to do with the toilet roll, wipes, etc. - no way! You are not a mother training a toddler. You are a grown woman who has a right to expect a husband who can figure out hygiene himself.

If nothing else he could shower every time after using the toilet. If he respected you and cared about being at the peak of his attrractiveness for you, he would do so. It's five minutes for goodness sake esp for a man with (presumably anyway) short hair. Jump in, soap up, scrub, rinse, out, into clean clothing. Done.

That he will not do so would make me think he deliberately was making himself unattractive to me. Do you think he is trying to force you to end the relationship?

Was he like this before you were married?

Good luck, this is a hell of a situation and you have my sympathy.

JohnCheese · 18/04/2016 21:44

Grim. But you're going to have to say something. Speak or divorce.

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