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AIBU?

To be going off my husband over his pants?!?

167 replies

Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:02

We married last year. My husband is great in many ways, but his personal hygiene is putting me off any sort of physical relationship. Basically he seems incapable of properly cleaning his bum (apologies for anyone reading this), but his pants make me ill. A few months ago I tried to sensitively raise the issue and bought lots of toilet wipes for bathroom and there was a brief improvement, but it's started again and now he is hiding dirty pants eg in sports bag. This may sound silly but it actually is putting me totally off him. To me it's just pure laziness and total lack of cleanliness..... Am I being unreasonable!

OP posts:

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BarbarianMum · 19/04/2016 16:31

Hang on. He has irritable bowel syndrom and a lot of wind but you don't understand why he may mess his pants? Surely it explains why, if not why he doesn't clean himself up?

Rezolution123 · 19/04/2016 16:36

My DH has similar problem because of a botched pile operation which has left him with dodgy poo control. His underpants are gross and I know he carries a spare pair when he goes to work.
If we had space, I would have a bidet installed in the shower room. He washes his own underwear. I only have to put it in the tumble dryer sometimes.
OP you have my heartfelt sympathy.

DerelictMyBalls · 19/04/2016 16:40

Sorry to hear this, OP - it would put me right off, too.

As others have said - you will have to let him know that it's a dealbreaker for you.

Good luck.

DerelictMyBalls · 19/04/2016 16:40

weetabix made shit creep out of his bum

WhoWasMaryJane · 19/04/2016 22:25

If his pants are so bad that OP is not prepared to put them in the washing machine, that's got to be more than not wiping properly hasn't it?

Not wiping properly = skid marks in pants - which would easily wash off in washing machine no problem.

If these pants are so bad that they are being hidden and can't go in the washing machine, that suggests something ... uh... more substantial than a skid mark. Are you sure it's not a medical issue cos sounds like it?

missbishi · 19/04/2016 22:56

Do you think he might be sharting, what with the IBS, and be too embarrassed to admit to it?

As for the sports bag, can you loudly announce that you can smell shit every time you're near it?

WakeUpFast · 19/04/2016 23:09

Tell his mum.

whatevva · 19/04/2016 23:32

TMI

Sometimes if your pelvic floor muscles are not functioning properly, from injury, prolonged constipation and/or bad habit, the do not coordinate properly and the last bit does not come away and, instead of going back up for next time, leaks out. So even if you have wiped your arse properly, it can come back.

Some physios specialise in constipation/pelvic floor dysfunction issues.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/04/2016 23:52

This thread sends a very good message about living with someone before you marry them. I really feel for you OP, what an awful situation.

Hillfarmer · 20/04/2016 23:10

Hope you can resolve this OP. This must really ruin that honeymoon-period feeling.

WalkingBlind · 21/04/2016 04:33

My DP has IBS and has had urgency "incidents" but he's then dealt with the undies and wiped himself clean.

I think the biggest issue here is that they were just sat in the fucking bag? Not the bin, or the wash, or the sink with some stain remover My DP would put it all in a plastic bag and then in the outside bin.

Sometimes men get the "hairy arse skidders" and I'm happy to wash them coz sometimes I get the "looks like someone was murdered in my underwear" knickers at a certain time of the month. But seriously, leaving them in a gym bag and hiding them? Doing more than just light skid marks! Sounds like he isn't wiping his arse at all.

Someone tell him to stop watching kitchen roll adverts.... When it comes to loo roll one sheet is not plenty

On a more serious note I'm sorry you're going through this OP, attraction is so hard to get back. Something I'm fighting with myself for different reasons. I don't think you can resolve it without speaking to him and making sure he listens this time. Tell him how much it's putting you off even if he strikes back at you due to embarrassment. Good luck

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2016 07:28

Ok yes I totally understand if he's had urgency issues or medical problems, but deal with your undies yourself, put them in the wash, freshen yourself up, not act like a child and stuff them in your bag for others to find. Be grown up about it. I have IBS and sometimes have had little Erm accídents, clothes go in the wash, N have a shower.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/04/2016 07:39

The biggest issue seems to be the way he deals with you talking to him about it. Are you generally able to talk about issues? Or does he generally jump to attack you whenever you raise an issue?

itsbetterthanabox · 21/04/2016 08:13

If he has ibs he's going a lot and it's probably loose.
Some men are extremely hairy in the bum so it's harder to clean. As women we often only have a little bit of bum hair.
Is it that he's at work and goes to loo? And it's very hard to get completely clean there? Your bum can also get sore and itchy with ibs so he scratches and it marks the pants.
Does he take the wet wipes to work? Has he tried anything to help the ibs? Diet changes etc?

RegTheMonkey1 · 21/04/2016 08:26

His reaction is defensive, and that plus the hiding of the pants means he is definitely aware that what he is doing is wrong. I think any of us would be mortified if pulled up on a hygiene issue - but then any normal-thinking person would modify their behaviour pretty damn quick. Why can't he do this one thing for his wife? That's what I don't understand. OP you have my sympathy, it's a hellish thing to have to deal with when there is no medical issue, just pig-headedness, selfishness and a head-in-the-sand attitude from him. You know him better than we do, so only you will know the best moment to tackle it head on, but tackle it you must, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man. You have to just tell him flat out and ignore the 'well, YOU put the spoon in the wrong drawer' or whatever nonsense he comes out with when he tries to deflect the criticism. This is a deal-breaker and I think it would be for most people.

ConferencePear · 21/04/2016 10:31

If you take the most charitable view of this OP's DH is having 'accidents' in his pants. Most people would deal with it themselves not expect someone else to clean up their shit.
I think Rezolution123 has the best answer. He should just wash the pants himself, it's very disrespectful of him to expect you to wash them.

UnderCrackers5 · 21/04/2016 11:25

LTB

This is a red line. well, brown

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