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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be going off my husband over his pants?!?

167 replies

Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:02

We married last year. My husband is great in many ways, but his personal hygiene is putting me off any sort of physical relationship. Basically he seems incapable of properly cleaning his bum (apologies for anyone reading this), but his pants make me ill. A few months ago I tried to sensitively raise the issue and bought lots of toilet wipes for bathroom and there was a brief improvement, but it's started again and now he is hiding dirty pants eg in sports bag. This may sound silly but it actually is putting me totally off him. To me it's just pure laziness and total lack of cleanliness..... Am I being unreasonable!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/04/2016 08:44

Op you have more than hygiene issues with your dh, he is showing his true colours here

This

It is a tremendously disrespectful thing to do isn't it?

FeralBeryl · 19/04/2016 08:46

It is always going to be a mortifying situation to bring up.
He is minimising by bringing up your alleged 'faults' but non of them could be on a par with this.
I would personally write him a letter.
When you speak about it, he puts his la la ears on and goes on the defence too much to listen to you.
I would say how although you desperately love him, it's becoming a massive turn off, if medically there is a problem-it can be resolved. Also if he does an activity with friends, point out how he'd feel if his friends found his shitty stash in the gym bag.
Feel for you OP Flowers

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 19/04/2016 08:50

The hiding of the pants shows he knows he is either lazy, manky or embarrassed.

When you find them - bin them and tell him you have done it and why.

Put wet wipes/kids wet loo roll in all toilets in your house and stop being j to mate with him. He needs to know how absolutely disgusting and disrespectful it is.

I worry that this may just be the start of many marriage problems, he sounds controlling.

Why did you not live together before marriage. Until you live with someone you cannot truly know what someone is like.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 08:53

He used to leave skid-marks in bed
Many of the things described here are making me think of dominance behaviors and territory marking

Laus13 · 19/04/2016 09:00

Men have hairy arses. The poo clings a lot so as much as they wipe, it can be a real bugger to get rid of.
My ex had this issue & HATED it! As much as he wiped it wouldn't be clean so would use wet wipes.
Also, why not use dark underwear? I know it's hiding the issue but at least you don't have to see the offending smear.
I agree that he should just use wet wipes then bring toilet roll back in. He must be as embarrassed about it as you are disgusted.
Otherwise, book him in for a crack wax, that'll sort it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/04/2016 09:07

You can buy tiny packets of travel wet wipes. Buy a ton so he always has some to take to work/gym as he is clearly having his daily poo outside the home.

Topseyt · 19/04/2016 09:28

Even if it is a medical issue, that begs the question of why he is not making the effort to have it checked out.

There are medications which can help some IBS sufferers once other causes have been eliminated, though probably no one size fits all. There are things that can be tried.

Personally I think it sounds like laziness. I would not be able to take it.

PestilentialCat · 19/04/2016 09:40

It does sound like laziness, as it previously improved with a bit of effort.

So what if he likes fancy pants? You could hide all the clean ones of them & fill his undies drawer with disposable paper ones.

You are not nagging/controlling - this is the standard response to any sort of negotiation with a controlling man, I have found.

ScarletForYa · 19/04/2016 09:44

He's deflecting attention away from his skiddy jocks with the 'nagging/controlling' accusation.

Fuck that!

He says he's embarrassed but he's not embarrassed enough to wipe his arse. Hmm

MeredithFrampton · 19/04/2016 10:02

It is not a medical issue.

  1. the OP is a doctor so she knows.

  2. I have IBS, a floppy colon, a host of related problems such rectal bleeding, anaemia, piles, urgency, diarrhoea, you name it.

I clean my arse properly, with toilet paper, then baby or toddler wipes, and even a quick shower if I feel I need it. i NEVER EVER have skid marks in my knickers.

OP this is absolutely revolting and I couldn't cope with it either.

toomanyeggs · 19/04/2016 10:37

OK, so does he have issues cleaning, or is his IBS causing follow-through because of his wind?

TMI

I suffer with IBS and I have been caught out. I do clean properly, but of course, the evidence has been there on my pants at times. It's fucking embarrassing, to be polite, because as a grown adult, you shouldn't be crapping yourself...

but thankfully my dh understands that it isn't something I can always help or control.

I just guess that, because my dh is understanding, I don't need to hide the evidence.

Unless you see his arse every time he goes, you have no idea if this is lack of cleaning or issues with his IBS. As a dr, I would expect you know that those whose suffer can get caught out at times.

No word of a lie, I have had to bin knickers because what I thought was wind, wasn't.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/04/2016 11:14

Maybe he could do his own washing. Then you wouldn't have to deal with it at all, and regain your state of ignorance -given time!

grimbletart · 19/04/2016 11:27

I would buy him some incontinence pads to put in his pants. That might get the message across.

Bellyrub1980 · 19/04/2016 11:50

toomanyeggs I treat roughly 5 women a day with the same problem. You aren't alone.

SpareJ · 19/04/2016 11:55

I was having squid rings for supper but this has put me right off!

BettyBleue · 19/04/2016 11:56

Tazzyduffy, I think this sounds like part of a bigger problem. I agree that he sounds controlling. He also sounds pig headed and selfish. He OUGHT to care about hygiene and appearing attractive to you. He must know that skiddy pants are gross and what a turn off they must be to you. The fact he's hiding them suggests that he thinks if you don't see them, you won't 'nag' him about them and he just wants a quiet, easy life, without caring about how you feel. If you really love him and want to make the marriage work, then I think you need to think about relationship counselling. I also think there is no way you should just have to put up with this behaviour from him and unless he's willing to change, then I think you need to think about whether you want to stay in this marriage. In the meantime, why don't you smear a pair of your knickers with chocolate and casually leave them on the floor where he can see them. Hopefully he will realise how gross it is. Of course, you can then admit it's only chocolate but point out that what's in his pants definitely isn't chocolate!

toomanyeggs · 19/04/2016 11:57

Bellyrub1980 Thank you, that's oddly comforting. Smile

lottielou7 · 19/04/2016 12:11

I've only had one bf who did this and he was quite young. I told him it wasn't on and he needed to do something about it and he said it wasn't his fault, weetabix made shit creep out of his bum Hmm

Skid marks in the bed?!!!! There are some filthy people around.

Catmuffin · 19/04/2016 13:44

So what is happening here? He is pooing and then just not wiping at all? Because he can't be bothered? Because he has some weird phobia of wiping?

flirtygirl · 19/04/2016 15:29

Weetabix made shit creep out of his bum Shock

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2016 15:50

Oh god his hygeine sounds disgusting Envy. Yes I saw that Embarrassing bodies episode, where the Dr told the guy to revisit is bum wiping. I would be mortified for that to be on National TV.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/04/2016 16:22

"DH used to have a less than clean bum, even after a shower. It was also itchy, which made his fingers smell of shit."

That's it, I now need to take a breather from this thread. I'll be back when I've bleached my brain.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 19/04/2016 16:24

That's it, I now need to take a breather from this thread. I'll be back when I've bleached my brain

Im hoping it was a load of nonsense.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/04/2016 16:26

There's no excuse for not cleaning your arse after a poo. It's so so easy to fill a jug with water, soap your crack, and rinse off whilst sat on the loo. It saves the faff of showering or getting in the bath, and saves the sewers from bastarding wet wipes. If there's a medical reason for post-clean leakage then that's a different matter and needs to be looked into.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/04/2016 16:28

"Im hoping it was a load of nonsense."

I'm not so sure. When I was a teen I had a BF who used to scratch his arse with his long nails and flick the dried poo out of them. Dirty bastard.