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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be going off my husband over his pants?!?

167 replies

Tazzyduffy · 18/04/2016 21:02

We married last year. My husband is great in many ways, but his personal hygiene is putting me off any sort of physical relationship. Basically he seems incapable of properly cleaning his bum (apologies for anyone reading this), but his pants make me ill. A few months ago I tried to sensitively raise the issue and bought lots of toilet wipes for bathroom and there was a brief improvement, but it's started again and now he is hiding dirty pants eg in sports bag. This may sound silly but it actually is putting me totally off him. To me it's just pure laziness and total lack of cleanliness..... Am I being unreasonable!

OP posts:
swiggityswoogity · 19/04/2016 00:25

Can't believe what I am reading. The righteous indignation from a bunch of pants pissers.

Is he just pooing and leaving? No? If he wipes then it comes out then its a medical problem

Whether or not other have skiddy nicks is irrelevant, different bodies present different ly

FeralBeryl · 19/04/2016 00:30

Good Lord!
🙈
Even if it is only down to sharting, it's completely unacceptable. This would have me rethinking my life, seriously.
As someone else points out, he literally nay never have been shown how to wipe his arse.

LeaLeander · 19/04/2016 00:37

There is a product called The Butterfly for those with anal i continence.

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 00:47

I have Crohns, and you could eat your dinner off of my bum...!! Grin

IBS is no excuse!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/04/2016 00:49

I'm sure we could Mango, but I think I'll decline the offer, Thanks all the sameGrin

MangoMoon · 19/04/2016 01:11

Lol!
Well if you change your mind Lighthouse... Grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/04/2016 01:12

I'll keep it in mind. Grin

PrincessFiorimonde · 19/04/2016 02:08

He is hiding his dirty pants in his sports bag? And he is actually an adult?

Meantime, you need to ask if this is normal behaviour? And yet you too are not only an adult, but also a doctor?

So many questions, so little belief time.

Good luck, OP.

jalopyjane · 19/04/2016 03:35

DH used to have a less than clean bum, even after a shower. It was also itchy, which made his fingers smell of shit.

Sorted out the problem by being very direct with him about it! Told him how to wash his bum properly (turned out he'd just been washing his buttocks Hmm) and bought some wet wipes. Problem sorted. And no, I shouldn't have needed to teach a grown man how to keep himself clean but I did!

But OP you've got to stop binning his pants which IMO is out of order and completely unnecessary. They'll come clean in the wash you know!

notonyurjellybellynelly · 19/04/2016 04:08

OP to put it in perspective. My son is severely autistic. He also has Tourette's, plus a few other mental health problems thrown in for good measure. He's 25. He has never had skid marks in his pants. He did get caught short a few times a few years ago due to medication but the poor bugger then washed his pants out at his bathroom sink and put them In his laundry basket. They weren't perfect, and I had to redo cleaning his sink and surrounding wall tiles, but only after he'd had a good go at cleaning them himself!

I wouldn't have been angry with my boy for his wee accidents, and to be honest I wouldn't be angry with him if it happened daily or he couldn't manage clean pants. I do what had to be done. . But it doesn't happen and if he can get through life with great hygiene then so can your husband and all the other dirty buggers out there who have absolutely no excuse whatsoever.

Also, If my husband/other sons did this I'd have banjo'ed them for it and it would never have happened a second time.

You have every right to be as disgusted as you are and to hell with the softly softly approach with a fully grown man child. Just tell him!

redskirt3 · 19/04/2016 05:33

The bidet idea might help a lot, if he is prepared to use it. I think that for whatever reason it's his motivation to fix (or not fix) the problem that is the real issue, as there are many ways that his hygiene could be improved from a practical point of view.

Original poster
Tazzyduffy · 19/04/2016 07:06

We didn't live together before being married, so wasn't fully aware of these issues. Yes the fact it improved suggests that it's just laziness. I broached the topic and was met with I'm embarrassed and a list of faults that he has with me... I nag, am too controlling etc. I know there is a lot of joking in the thread, but this is causing me a huge amount of upset and I don't know what to do. I am scared that I can't get back to were I was in my view of him.

OP posts:
PestilentialCat · 19/04/2016 07:16

It's very difficult to regain respect, certainly. My DH makes less effort to appear attractive & fragrant for me than for anyone else - not showering all weekend if not going out, not cleaning teeth properly, not going to have broken teeth fixed, not to mention the hoarding of crap & other stuff, & consequently we haven't had sex for over 18/12. It's horrible.

Bellyrub1980 · 19/04/2016 07:25

The St Marks Hospital (London) website used to have a patient information leaflet on problems with anal leakage and smearing.

They also have one called 'anal sphincter exercises for anal leakage' or something like that.

Their site is currently down (typical!) but I would print them off and leave them in his gym bag or on his bedside table or by the loo.

I'm a pelvic health physiotherapist. He may have problems with his anal sphincter that you and he are unaware of. He may not be fully emptying his bowel.

I would bet my life that he's aware of this but is just burying his head in the sand. Some bowel retraining and anal sphincter exercises could make all the difference.

ohmywhatamisaying · 19/04/2016 07:54

Oh Jesus, skiddy pants - so, so grim. For some men it's completely normal to have shit-lined gussets. I once had an BF who insisted that was the reason for underpants, to stop shit from smearing on the inside of jeans. He and his skiddy pants were history soon afterwards.

Unless there is a medical reason he can't wipe properly (piles for example), I would be putting the pants on his pillow, shit side up.

ohmywhatamisaying · 19/04/2016 07:57

By the way, if there are no wet wipes available, I'm a big fan of the "spit and polish" technique (wetting the loo paper with saliva and doing final wipes). TMI perhaps, but we are in a thread about shitty undercrackers and skid-marked bedding

peggyundercrackers · 19/04/2016 07:59

For some men it's completely normal to have shit-lined gusset

Really? Erm not in my world it's not. I've never known any man to have skiddy pants, sorry but they would be out before their feet touched the ground. Dirty bastards.

ohmywhatamisaying · 19/04/2016 08:00

Yes, really. Some men. I can't talk about your world, obviously.

MrsGradyOldLady · 19/04/2016 08:02

I was going to suggest IBS as we went through this with my son when he was younger. He just wasn't making it to the toilet in time so there was some "leakage". He grew out of this around 12/13 though and learned to go to the toilet quickly rather than finishing a fame on his x box. And we told him to shower if he was unable to get himself properly clean by just wiping.

A bit difficult having that conversation with a grown man though I expect.

Wizzles · 19/04/2016 08:02

I had an ex-boyfriend just like this. I hope you're not married to him cos he was a right knob!

He used to leave skid-marks in bed, and when I asked him to wear pants in bed he used to find it funny to sometimes not wear them in a " hee hee I'm not wearing pants" way. It was truly grim. We once went to stay with his parents and I didn't police the pants-wearing in bed (as not my sheets so not my problem). When we left and I was tidying up our room I pulled the duvet back & it actually looked like he'd taken a shit in the bed. I deliberately "forgot" an earring & my girlie make-up remover on the bedside table on my side, just so his parents knew it was him on the shitty side of the bed, not me!

Joking aside OP, this is disgusting. There may be a genuine medical reason for it, but either way you need to have a proper conversation about it ASAP. The longer you leave it, the more you are condoning it. If you know him well enough & love him enough to marry him, then you need to be able to have this level of frank discussions.

MrsGradyOldLady · 19/04/2016 08:05

I know with IBS though that poos can be REALLY explosive. Sorry I know this is grim but even sat on the toilet the shit can end up covering a much wider area than normal so you would really need to shower in that case to get properly clean.

wonkylampshade · 19/04/2016 08:10

I don't blame you for feeling upset op, this is disgusting! Absolutely revolting. How would he like it if you left shit stains inside your pants? The answer is that he wouldn't.

This would be an utter turn off for me, and I can completely understand it compromising your feelings toward him. In fact it's made me feel queasy just thinking about it. There is no way I could live with someone who thought this was ok. He doesn't have a basically condition he can't help, and it sounds like he's doing it through sheer lack of effort - I can't get my head around that in all honesty, I mean who would CHOOSE to walk round with skid marks on their clothes. It's disrespectful to you, and just generally disgusting on top.

0dfod · 19/04/2016 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparkletastic · 19/04/2016 08:28

I think it is completely valid for you to consider this a potential relationship deal breaker OP. Tell your husband that.

Catmuffin · 19/04/2016 08:42

I can't get my head around this at all. I keep thinking "But there must be a medical issue." I can't fathom why someone would do this otherwise.

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