To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

YANBU, of course.

for you, OP. This sounds truly awful.

YADNBU ((hugs))

Good Lord! The whole of your family are bvu to expect you to have anything to do with him (I can just about understand then continuing a relationship with him)

Putting your shit aside! I'd have lost my shit at her for that remark alone.

Omg of course YANBU!!

YANBU. Your solution is perfect. I am so sorry.

Yanbu.

YANBU and I think you should consider what contact you have with your sister too if that is her attitude

As someone who had been sexually assaulted by a family member, yanbu!

And as for the shit aside comment what a disgusting comment. Your solution of taking your nephew out before hand is perfect.

No child should be having contact with him! As a social worker we would say no contact especially given the lack of protection and support that you were afforded

Yanbu, I don't understand how you can ever forgive your family. How could your DS even say that to you?

Your entire family are being beyond U to even ask you to be around him, let alone expect it and to react so negatively when you refuse.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you're clearly not getting any support from your family. It's awful

Wow, they sure are good at minimising aren't they. Experts even. I think your solution is very good.

Shame on your family. What a bunch of shits. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and you're doing absolutely the right thing for you and your DS.

I'm so sad you have asked if we think you are being unreasonable. You absolutely are not. :(

I would consider going NC with anyone who thinks you should even be in the same place as him.

"Your shit"? Fucking hell. Her brother is accused of raping her sister, and convicted on lesser grounds, and it's the brother she's supporting?!

I think you've been very sensible and very strong. Well done! DN will have more of your company in the morning than he would diluted with rapists and apologists lots of other people in the afternoon.

I'm so sorry that the people who should have been in your corner weren't and aren't. I believe you.

In your shoes, I would be rethinking my relationship with the whole family, not just my brother. It sounds as if you were basically thrown under a bus/sacrificed for his sake and for the sake of the family. I would be bloody angry and bitter, and everyone pretending that nothing happened is just repressive. Did you receive any sort of counselling or therapy after what happened to you? If not, it's not too late and I would urge you to do so even now.

YANBU its your family who are unreasonable. You don't want your child around this man. Don't disrespect yourself by being around him either. Your family are wrong and you know they are. It must be awful for you. You sound like a strong person and a good mother. Just keep doing what you know is the right thing and don't be around that man. xxx

Oh ffs! I really can't believe the amount of threads I have read about family members maintaining contact either abusers to the detriment of their relationship with the abused.

I sincerely hope any member of your family are on mumsnet and are reading this thread.
They should be absolutely ashamed of themselves and their behaviour.
Can you sister not leave him out for a fucking hour?
I'm so sorry you have to endure this OP.

"She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN."

NO! You think about yourself because no-one else in your family is! You're likely fighting a battle against "your shit" now and for the rest of your life. How fucking dare she!

"She thinks it's silly as it's not like 'he will hurt him'"

He probably won't but being in his presence will hurt YOU. And no-one appears to give a flying fuck about that.

I cannot conceive of the sense of betrayal you must feel about their minimising of his vile abuse of you, then and now.

I'd cut the lot of them out of your life like the cancer they are.

YADNBU.
How would your DS feel if she had been the one this happened to? Would she be inviting your DB to DN's party then? Nope! She wouldn't be saying 'it's not like he would hurt him' either.
Stick to your alternative plan and don't feel bad about it for one minute. You've done nothing wrong

Not even close to the same thing, but I was sexually harassed last year by someone in at an evening class I went to at the time. Long story short I've now stopped going and found alternatives because the stress of being in the same room as him was just too much. I can't imagine how awful you must find it being in the same room as your brother. When I was invited to social occasions tied to this evening class I made clear that I absolutely did not expect people to not invite the man who harassed me for my sake, but if he was going I would decline the invitation and meet up with them separately. Nobody ever tried to pressure me into doing otherwise. If they could get their head around it in my case then your own family given what happened to you absolutely should be able to do the same. Regardless of how they feel about him knowing what happened, they should be compassionate enough to understand why you wouldn't want to go. It's not like you've said it's him or me, you've offered up a perfectly reasonable alternative. They are being insensitive idiots.

YANBU. Unfortunately its really common for the family to close ranks around the abuser.
The survivor is pushed out, accused of rocking the boat, and told to pretend it never happened.

People who conceal abuse, enable abuse.

Jesus Christ, yadnbu. I'm amazed you have anything to do with any of them

Thanks for everyones replies. This has happened many times before and normally I would never second guess myself, but it is my son who is going to miss out on all the memories and experiences with the family as a whole.

And I'm feeling very delicate myself lately and I'm considering going to the doctors for some antidepressants but that's a whole other thread so perhaps that's why I can't see so clearly this time.

He was 17 at the time. And no he has never apologised. In fact, his defence was that it was consensual and I had instigated it. He radiates hatred towards me. because he's an entitled nasty twat who has no respect for women

I just want to protect my DS from the confusion. I have no contact with him but to put my DS in a room with him would make my skin crawl on that basis alone. But mainly because I don't want DS to start asking questions.