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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

173 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 13:43

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. Confused She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 16/04/2016 14:14

shocking. so glad you are making a stand. that's fantastic. you never have to see that sorry excuse for a brother again and your family should be supporting you.

donadumaurier · 16/04/2016 14:17

OP when your son is older, believe me, he will completely understand why he missed out on family occasions like this. Trust me. And to be perfectly honest, from what you've said about these people I'm not convinced he's missing out on much at all. Focus on the good people he has in his life, they are much more important.

NinaSimoneful · 16/04/2016 14:19

Yanbu Flowers
I don't one how you've managed to become so strong considering the lack of support you seem to have had. You certainly have my utmost respect OP.

MangosteenSoda · 16/04/2016 14:19

You should never put yourself in a room with him ever again. Your family should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for expecting you to.

soapboxqueen · 16/04/2016 14:22

YANBU in any way shape or form. You have no need to be anywhere near him nor should anyone be trying to force you to be arround him. Let alone making you feel guilty about it.

I think you might want to seriously consider not having any of these people in your life. I appreciate that family is a support but the on going damage done to you due to their emotional abuse (which is exactly what it is) should not be under-estimated.

MintyBojingles · 16/04/2016 14:22

YADNBU Sad how horrid of your family. I'd cut ties with the lot of them and move away if possible.

Focus on helping your son make friends with other kids his age x

ILoveMyCaravan · 16/04/2016 14:22

Unfortunately I had very similar experiences when I was a child and was abused by close family members.

Please believe me when I say that your son will not miss out on anything by having no contact with these disgusting people, and in that I am including your mother and sister who have continued to protect and condone this vile abuser.

It took me until I was in my 40s to tell anyone what happened. I am now NC with the whole of my family. My children do not have any contact with the bastards who abused me - they are not missing out on anything by not having them in their lives. I would have loved them to have had uncles, but then again I would have loved a childhood free from abuse.

Protect your DS. Please go to the Drs and get help. You need counselling. Please don't leave it as late as I did. I lived with it for 30 years before I sought help.

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/04/2016 14:23

First, I would like to say I'm sorry that he did this to you.
Flowers [hug]
Secondly, your family are being absolute shits about this. If you were my sister/friend/total stranger on the internet, he would not be getting over my threshold, let alone attending family parties. Does his GF know he's a rapist? I am so angry with them on your behalf.
Do not feel under any pressure/obligation to attend (or even see any of them again tbh).

PPie10 · 16/04/2016 14:25

Yanbu Sad
I so wish you could go nc with the lot of them. They do not deserve to be in your life.
How dare they protect him over you Angry
Please don't go to this party and feel you have any obligation to them. They are all despicable.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 16/04/2016 14:26

I've never heard anything less U on Mumsnet. Flowers

WhatTimeIsItCuckoo · 16/04/2016 14:28

You are thinking about your nephew! You're taking him out for the morning with your son and your sister in law should be grateful for that and completely respect your decision! She should also, IMO, admire your graciousness at seemingly having no issue at all with her inviting your brother to the party! YADNBU Flowers

TheNotoriousPMT · 16/04/2016 14:35

YANBU.

Scooterloo · 16/04/2016 14:37

This is one of the worst things I have ever read on here. Your family's treatment of you by continuing to see your brother is terrible. YANBU, at all. I am amazed you have been able to be in the same room with him ever, you are very brave.
He should not be anywhere near any children. Go NC with all of them.

notapizzaeater · 16/04/2016 14:39

That's shocking, I can't believe they actually expect you to stay in the same room as you.

MadamDeathstare · 16/04/2016 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 16/04/2016 14:42

"but it is my son who is going to miss out on all the memories and experiences with the family as a whole."

He's not going to miss anything, the whole situation is just fucked up.

If you & your son can see your nephew on your terms then I don't think you can do more.

" In fact, his defence was that it was consensual and I had instigated it."

I hope that that was treated with the contempt it deserves!

memyselfandaye · 16/04/2016 14:43

He should be on the sex offenders register and banned from any party where children are.

You aren't unreasonable at all OP

Telling you to ge your shit together is hideous, go to your GP if you are feeling like you need help and find your voice.

I would tell your Mum and Sister in no uncertain terms how their fucking shitty attitude makes you feel. They are putting the rapist before you and that is unforgivable.

You deserve better, I'm sorry they don't support you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/04/2016 14:44

"but it is my son who is going to miss out on all the memories and experiences with the family as a whole"

But angel, none of them have acted like a proper family to you. You were betrayed by them then, and they are continuing to betray you. They pressured you to not press charges and have included this rapist in family celebrations, and you're expected to just brush the whole thing under the carpet and pretend it didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now.

See how wrong that is? What possible benefit could being in contact with them be to your son? Every moment you spend associating with them is damaging to you.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 14:48

Unfortunately diddl it wasn't. His story has been widely accepted by my family.

Thanks for everyones replies and support.

It is in my intentions to move from the area when I'm qualified in my field and more financially stable.

OP posts:
FuriousFate · 16/04/2016 14:50

What charges was he convicted on?

If I were you I'd go no contact with the whole lot of them and report him to SS. And I'd keep reporting until something was done. Surely he should be on the register if he's a convicted rapist?

diddl · 16/04/2016 14:56

I think you should cut out your family then!

I expect my son to know that sex with his sister is just not on at all & that it really is as simple as that.

Them wanting to maintain a relationship with him is one thing.

Expecting you to is just wrong.

seagreengirl · 16/04/2016 14:56

Oh OP, I could weep for you, you are not BU. You sound a very strong young woman, it takes strength to stand up to a whole family.

EverySongbirdSays · 16/04/2016 14:56

I would go NC with the whole damn lot of them

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 15:04

He was charged with incest and sex with a minor. Because I withdrew my statement they had to lower the charges but I was allowed no part in the proceedings. It was on the hearing date I found out he was blaming it on me. My mum hadn't even told me, and she was sat next to him when the judge read it out!

But I'm going off on a tangent now.

I have thought about going NC with my mum as we've have some absolutely awful times.

But it seems so bleak.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2016 15:04

Remember that your real family are those who love, believe, and support you. Develop your own circle of friends to be your true family.

Those people who have betrayed you are no more family to you that I am. Actually, I guess I'm more family (as a total stranger) to you than they are because I believe you and support you in wanting to get away from that lot of betraying bastards!

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