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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

173 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 13:43

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. Confused She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 15:04

Oh and he was put on the register for 5 years.

OP posts:
slithytove · 16/04/2016 15:07

Yanbu, and you should go NC with every single abuser and enabler in that family.

Don't feel bad for your DS missing out, you'll be saving him from suffering in the way you did.

slithytove · 16/04/2016 15:13

Far bleaker to have this for the rest of your life.

How does this make you feel

Never seeing your rapist again
Knowing they will never be able to make your son feel the way they have you
Never hearing them enable his abuse again
Never having to jump through hoops again to cope with a 'family' event.

You have a son now, you know what family really means. That's all you need xx

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/04/2016 15:13

I'de ask your dsis how she feels about having a paedophile and rapist in her house so close to her kids
Feck only knows why his gf is with him and I assume she knows ?

Your not wrong and I'm sorry your being treated like he's the victim and your somehow to blame
Honestly ? Their morals and values are dubious at best X

contrary13 · 16/04/2016 15:14

YAabsolutelyNOBU.

I speak from experience (except it was my "uncle"). He died a few days ago. My parents - who know, I told them - cannot understand why I'm not upset, or planning on going to his funeral, or why I was hurt that they went running to his deathbed.

You need to do what is right for you and your child(ren). And if the rest of your family cannot grasp that fact? Maybe you'll need to rethink your relationships with them, too.

Flowers
ample · 16/04/2016 15:16

Sad 'put my shit aside for an hour' ?? What?!
She wouldn't be saying this if she, or her own child had experienced what you have.
Put yourself first. YADDNBU
Flowers

TealLove · 16/04/2016 15:26

Oh no don't say you had to continue living in the house with him. OP I'm so sorry. I can't fathom how a mother could behave like this. It's wrong in so many levels.

FavaBeans · 16/04/2016 15:30

Your sister is a fucking idiot to let a rapist anywhere near her child. You shouldn't be forced to be near him he should be in jail.

I would go nc with the whole lot of them. You can make friends and family isn't just blood. I wouldn't want them anywhere near me. Does his girlfriend know about his crime? Even if he told her it was "consensual" he still had sex with his underage sister...that's got to be enough to put anyone off.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 16/04/2016 15:30

YANBU and the older I get the more I realise that people are so, so strange.

Who would go out with a man who raped his sister? Even if you believed it was consensual, you'd keep well clear - wouldn't you?

And how on an earth can a mother or sister fail to have some compassion for their daughter / sister who has been raped by their son / brother? How can they expect that person to forgive and forget and act normally?

I think your mother and sister are probably not very nice full stop. Because I can't believe that otherwise loving family members would behave that way.

Do you really want them in your life?

MadameDePompom · 16/04/2016 15:33

I'm not generally one for saying you should cut off contact with your family but in this case that's absolutely what I'd advise. These people are excusing his behaviour and therefore they're still damaging you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Dollius01 · 16/04/2016 15:36

Jesus, this is horrific. OP continuing to have anything to do with these people is probably damaging you. Have you had counselling about what happened to you?

NationMcKinley · 16/04/2016 15:36

No no no no no. YADNBU. How bloody awful for you. Flowers

CheerfulYank · 16/04/2016 15:37

God, you poor thing.

What absolute evil bastards they're being. I'm so sorry. YANBU

edwardsmum11 · 16/04/2016 15:38

Cut contact with the whole rotten lot of them. It will be better for you and your son.

Luciferbox · 16/04/2016 15:39

Yanbu Thanks

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 15:39

His girlfriend doesn't know, no.

It is a big family secret that mustn't be spoken about and must definitely not be shared with people outside the family.

I got so much crap off my family for telling my partner about it after we'd been together over a year and were living together!

The way they see it is I'm a big liar and I need to accept it wasn't rape and move on with my life and accept him into my life again to make everyone else happy.

And yes, he came back to live with us after a year. And I did my very best in the time we lived together to act normal and forget about it. But then my actions were used against me. "Why is she playing video games with him or talking to him or eating tea with him if he raped her. She was obviously lying".

Then my mum kicked me out at 18 whilst he remained living there and since then I have been NC with him.

But still, every Christmas and family event I'm told to "give it a rest" and go along with everything like normal.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 16/04/2016 15:43

How old is you dsis? Maybe she was shielded at the time as to what really happened, and so doesn't realise the gravity of the situation.

If she knows the full story, then her attitude is awful. I can fully understand why you don't to be anywhere near him.

MadameDePompom · 16/04/2016 15:46

Oh my God, these awful people. It's as though you're suffering Stockholm Syndrome (I don't mean that to sound glib) being so accepting of their behaviour. What does your partner feel? There's no way I could even look at, nevermind socialise with, people who'd done this to my partner.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/04/2016 15:46

I would cut all those twats out. there's no good there Flowers

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/04/2016 15:50

OMG are your family a bunch of sociopaths? And your Dsis!!

Really feel for you OP x

UptownFunk00 · 16/04/2016 15:57

DefinetelyNBU.

Your family sound like cunts to be honest. How dare your sister say that?

Are they usually nice/supportive or not?

If not I'd go no contact it would save worrying every time and also knowing your family have put a rapist ahead of their victim. (Not that you are a victim just a victim in crime sense).

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I hope your DN has a lovely birthday and doesn't turn out like his Mum.

I could cry on your behalf, OP.

Hope you're enjoying being a Mum. Do you have a DP who has a nice family?

Squashysbrother · 16/04/2016 15:58

I'm so sorry sweetheart Thanks

How old is your dsis? I wonder if perhaps your family act like this because they can't handle the truth. It's easier for them to pretend than to accept that he's a rapist. Hence them looking for reasons to call you a liar.

I think that perhaps it would be best for you to go no contact with all of them, it's not always that easy though.

spankhurst · 16/04/2016 16:02

As someone else said upthread, there has never been a less unreasonable AIBU.

Your poor thing. Your family should be ashamed.

Badders123 · 16/04/2016 16:07

Wow.
What do you gain from still being in touch with these bastards?

UptownFunk00 · 16/04/2016 16:07

If you don't mind me asking, how old were you?

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