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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

173 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 13:43

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. Confused She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 16/04/2016 21:37

Excuse my language but are your family for fu##ing real???? How any of them could have anything to do with him is beyond me but to basically make YOU feel like s#it over something HE did is appalling!!! Send your nephew a card and present in the post and enjoy a day with you son instead!

randomcatname · 16/04/2016 22:00

Wishing you all the best HappyGoLuckyGirl

Catsize · 16/04/2016 22:06

I think that the girlfriend would ultimately thank you for telling her.

ClopySow · 16/04/2016 22:15

SoThatHappened

People on here were really saying that? That's awful.

Finallyonboard · 16/04/2016 22:16

If I were you I'd be contacting children's services to ensure they are aware that your brother is bring given access to small DC (your DN). Sorry you've been through this and that your family have let you down Flowers you are a wonderful mother to be putting your DC first.

lovelychops · 16/04/2016 22:34

Your DS isn't missing out on anything- he's better off not being around your family. As another poster said, they're a bunch of shits.

I don't understand the relevance of a poster asking if he'd tried to 'explain' his actions. WTF ?

I'm so sorry this happened and you're doing a brilliant job of protecting your son from these people. Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2016 22:37

Yanbu at all, I would not have any contact with the lit if them. Have you thought about going to the Police again. Your family have treated you appealingly, especially your parents, who have not only enabled this but put him above you. Sorry, doesent sound like they care.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2016 22:42

Reading your further posts, your family are utterly shit, especially your mum, I would go nc with the lot.

Gide · 16/04/2016 22:44

devils advocate are you on fucking drugs completed deluded?! A 17 year old lad knows better, of course he bloody does.

OP, YADNBU. Please organise some counselling for yourself. I'm utterly appalled at your family, especially your DS.

nothruroad · 16/04/2016 22:45

OP, I want to cry for you reading this. You are so strong and deserve so much better. I hope the GP and further therapy can help you with this.Remember you are not in the wrong here on any level whatsoever. Wishing you peace.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 16/04/2016 23:00

Helsbels you're not playing devil's advocate. You're playing rapist's advocate. And a rapist who taped a child. You should be ashamed of your whole minimising, victim blaming post.

OP you are just incredible but, and I say this kindly and as someone who knows something of what you've been through: your inability to cut your family out or get proportionately angry with them is all part of your trauma and your need to minimise the horror of what happened to you. Please get some help from your GP, and do anything and everything you can to protect yourself from these people. YADDDDDDDNBU x

Janecc · 16/04/2016 23:09

The lengths people will go to to protect the image of their golden child is despicable. Honey I'm so sorry. And to all the other victims of abuse writing on this thread, my heart goes out to you, you are all truly amazing X

dillydotty · 16/04/2016 23:35

My family did similar although it was an uncle not a brother. It is shit and very wrong. Above anyone else your family should believe you and be on your side.

I still speak to them but my barriers are up. They think I am 'cold' towards them, no shit sherlock!

You have every right to insist you never want to see him again. Anyone trying to persuade you otherwise is sick.

P.s I believe that it was rape and that you didn't encourage it. That seems patronising but it was the thing I needed to hear the most.

leelu66 · 17/04/2016 00:13

dilly they thought you encouraged your uncle? So sorry to hear that. Sad

Hope he is out of your life.

Primaryteach87 · 17/04/2016 00:29

Glad you are getting support.
You are clearly doing the right thing. As others have said, I can't imagine that it is good for you or your son to have contact with family members who have essentially tried to act as if this awful traumatic thing didn't happen.
You are 100% justified and would also be justified in reducing or stopping contact with any other family members who don't clearly articulate with words and actions that you were a victim.

Incidentally, the aren't helping your biological brother either. He needs to accept what happened and face up to it in order to ensure he doesn't repeat harm to women. Their love for him is absolutely no excuse as they are enabling his denial. Anyone none of that is remotely your problem.

summerdreams · 17/04/2016 00:35

Yanbu she is sorry but she should not have a rapist around her children in the first place. Sorry for you having to go through this op Flowers

FreeProteinFromTheSky · 17/04/2016 05:36

Happy you made a throwaway comment about him doing it again. Chances are that he has done it again surely? Do the Police have his DNA do you know? I don't wish to sound dramatic but rapists rarely only do it only once and as he has effectively got away with raping a 14yo, I doubt it was a one off :(

puglife15 · 17/04/2016 05:51

Fucking HELL what a bunch of poisonous cunts. You sound lovely BTW, how on earth you are related to these awful people I'm not sure. YANBU. And I know you love your nephew but there may be a way of still seeing him without having to engage much with your mum or sister (refuse to write DSIS or DM)..?

Do you have a partner still and what is his family like? Could you focus on doing stuff with them instead for the sake of your DS getting family time?

MoonriseKingdom · 17/04/2016 08:07
Flowers

If you ever doubt yourself read back your posts and imagine a friend was telling you these things. You'd be raging on her behalf. Your family's behaviour is perpetuating the abuse you already suffered. I would really minimise contact with them. I do hope you have some lovely people in your life who treat you with a lot more respect than this.

CookieDoughKid · 17/04/2016 08:15

I'm in your shoes. Although I wasn't raped but my ds was abused just the once. Once was more than enough . I have cut out all 18 members of family and it's been a huge relief. I see abuse as black and white. There is no grey area and i have no time for abuser sympathisers. You are damn nother being unreasonable.

CookieDoughKid · 17/04/2016 08:20

Every victim I have met on mumsnet, their family have minimised the abuse and swept it under the carpet. I would really love to hear from family members as to why they insist contact between the abuser and the victim. I should start a new thread as to this day in completely struggle to understand their reasons.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2016 08:26

Exactly cookie, op I feel would benefit from counselling and therapy. No hels, rape is rape, black and white, there is no devils advocate. He should not have done it. I would cut contact with the lot! You know where they stand! Protecting an abuser and minimising your abuse, even blaming you for it is disgusting! Your sisters comment is disgraceful, it is not your shit fgs, if your brother had not raped you, there would be no issue. It's them against you, they are not with you.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2016 08:28

I would go,to the Police again if your able to, he could well do this to another child or woman. If he's being protected by your family, he probably thinks he's right and has a sense of entitlement.

Janecc · 17/04/2016 08:42

Cookie I'm no expert. I was and still am emotionally abused. I would say it's s number of reasons. This is what I've learnt. Most human beings are very confused. The people, who stand up for themselves and others in a mature and adult way are few and far between. There are a lot of people out there, who have not learnt the skills to be and adult. What I mean is that part of them emotionally is still stuck at a certain age, and this could be for example 2 yrs old (2 yr olds - like my mother, who is 2 - don't know by much about the world and are very narcissistic) so it's no wonder some people are very confused. The victims, who have extricated themselves from their environment have learnt many things, which these people are unwilling or unable to learn. The victims may well have had counselling or other kinds of therapy and support or there is something inside them made them see the world differently. The victims have then have wisdom, which their abusers and accomplices haven't accessed and are therefore in denial. Generally speaking, the family is dysfunctional, which is how the abuse happened or was allowed to happen in the first place. It is then not surprising that the family reacted in a dysfunctional way to the abuse. This approximately is how my counsellor has worked it through with me anyway.

AliceScarlett · 17/04/2016 08:46

Yanbu, I think if you went NC you would well within your rights and hopefully things would improve overall.

My 17 yr old bf raped me when I was 15 and my dad maintained that I enjoyed it and the shame about the enjoyment was why I went to the police. He didn't even like the ex.
I think families can find it hard to face reality. I'm glad you're not like this. Protect your son and yourself, get outta there. Flowers