To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

I'm so, so sorry your brother raped you and that your family have betrayed you so horribly.

I really wouldn't have anything to do with them if I were you - they're going along with his narrative for an easy life because the truth is too difficult. And you're being sacrified to suit that narrative.

Fuck them. They don't deserve to have anything to do with you and your DS. And I hope you are able to tell your niece one day why you didn't attend her birthday party.

Sorry, I'm probably getting inappropriately angry on your behalf but I'm absolutely appalled.

YANBU at all in case that wasn't obvious

Your son does not need the are were wiped in his life. He needs you and your love. Tell them all to fuck off a92nd I would defiantly ask your sister how she would feal if you DN were treated the way you had been. Your mum I wouldn't even give a second thought to she is a enabling birch who is not fit to be near any child.

I am too Lynda how can anyone treat their own daughter/sister like this?

I remember my friend G telling me at 9 or 10 her DB had done similar. I told her to tell someone and she did and he got prosecuted (I think he was 16 or 17).

I remember thinking it was bad enough with her family who just avoided the topic but this is just vile.

If I knew them I'd never speak to them again.

YANBU it's ridiculous and awful that they expect you to go!

"playing devils advocate here"..."teenagers do stupid things"

helsbels there is no stupid teenager or devils advocate here. Raping your little sister is so far away from a teenager doing something stupid, and suggesting it is anything like regretable teenage behaviour is damaging and belittling.

YANBU. Not even a tiny bit.

OP, hasn't your partner suggested that you break ties with your family?

Because I know what I would encourage my partner to do in such a situation.

Your family are scum. Despicable, evil scum. Even if it had been consensual (and I am in no way saying that it was), the way in which they have dealt with it is insane and damaging and disgusting.

Your son is much, much better off having no contact with them. And please find a good therapist if you have not done so already. It will help you so much.

You are definitely definitely NOT being unreasonable! Jesus who could believe that a 14 year old would have instigated that. They've got their heads in the sand. If they actually thought about it they'd have to believe you and then think about the monster they've raised. And the implications about their parenting skills.

You're making a lovely life for yourself with your DP and DS. They are your family and the people that you can rely on. I hope that you can develop bonds with your DP's family and create positive memories with them.

Going NC with your family isn't an easy thing to do but if you need antidepressants regularly the situation with them can't be helping.

Why not try to get together with your Dsis and nephew so that your DC can develop a friendship but opt out of anything that involves your NOT D brother. In some ways by going along with them you're letting them convince themselves that all is well.

They don't deserve to have you in their lives. YADNBU

I have had 4 rounds of therapy since I was about 16. The last time was about 2 years ago.

I was 14, to the poster who asked.

I hear what you are all saying but I think I have been muddling through like this for ao long, just ignoring any mentions of his name and dealing with this pressure from my family that it doesn't seem that bad anymore.

And I don't know if I could cut my sister out because I love my nephew so much and him and my DS have a good relationship. And it's not their fault and that would feel like punishment towards them. Not having a relationship because of my inability to deal with this stuff a few times a year.

I understand that you want to keep in touch with your nephew. But if you don't want to break ties formally, I think you need to detach as much as possible from the rest of your family. And refuse to attend any event where your brother will appear.

And I say this in all kindness - you speak of "my inability to deal with this stuff a few times a year". YOUR BROTHER RAPED YOU. YOUR FAMILY BLAME YOU. You don't have to "deal with this stuff". You are the victim here. Shame on them. Really, shame on them.

You are definitely not being unreasonable & I have a lump in my throat as I type this.

How awful. I can't even find the words, other than I'm so sorry this happened and that your family are utter shitheads.

No Contact would definitely be the way to go here. These aren't normal people.

It's not your inability to deal with it, it's essentially theirs.

I understand re: nephew and not his fault. Maybe cut down contact then instead of cut it out completely?

You just learning to deal with it doesn't mean it's right though, does it? You shouldn't have to learn to deal with it.

Bloody hell OP this is the most vehement YANBU that I have ever typed.

YANBU

YADNBU. Your family is dysfunctional, many are.

My SSis was raped by my Sbro, their family took his side including my mum's partner even after he partially admitted to it. She still tries to please them to the detriment of her own mental health. Because she's had issues with alcohol they use it as a stick to beat her with. Personally I think they are all disgusting and she's better than them all, but she still wants their acceptance.

You are better than your family, even after all they have done you were still willing to have a relationship with your sister and mother but it sounds like you're coming to the point where you realise that this relationship is probably never going to be on your terms and if it's not on your terms with clear boundaries then it's not going to be good for your mental health.

So angry on your behalf. It sounds like the family have scapegoated you.

It's not fair that he gets to enjoy the family events and you're left out in the cold.

On the other hand, I don't know what to think about a family that is continuing to blame you for what happened.

I think it's good you're moving away and I agree that you should not attend events if he is there.

I think your doing the right thing op

You need to walk away from these people! I can't believe they act as though the whole thing didn't happen...it's shocking and so fucked up

I hope your OK

Playing devils advocate here First of all, why the hell do you feel the need to play devil's advocate on a thread where the op has disclosed child sexual abuse?

how old was your brother when the rape happened? Older than 14, so old enough to know better & be prosecuted for what he did.

Has he ever apologised/explained/tried to make amends? What the hell am I reading here? Apologised? Explained? He raped her, how can an apology fix that!??

But teenagers do stupid things, which they then regret as adults. he didn't steal her toys, or trash her room. Sexually assaulted her! Why are you trying to minimise this?

I missed that post differentname. I've reported it. There's no place for victim-blaming when it comes to raping children. I hope the poster is banned

YANBU. I was assaulted by my stepbrother when I was 16. I told my mother, and we tolerated his presence in a room thereafter with the good old English tradition of stiff upper lip. But he was and still is loathed and despised by those who found out after his father (my stepfather) died.

But had it been anywhere near as bad as what you have experienced, and had I had the balls to tell anyone other than mum, he would have been roundly kicked out of the family and left to rot. That didn't happen, because I couldn't bear to upset my beloved stepdad. So we kept it quiet until after he died (20 years later).

I'm so sorry your family are not understanding. You deserve so much better.

Well, to be honest I don't have that much contact with my mum anyway.

Mainly because she still habours resentment towards me and she expresses it in the way she treats my son.

She very obviously favours my Nephew over my son and this came to a head about 8 months ago and since then we have had reduced contact with her. Mostly because I don't want my DS to realise how differently she treats him.

Happy I'm so sorry you went and still go through this because of one enabled by many, cut them all off and send his gf evidence of what he did.

For you lovely

I don't think I could ever tell any of his gfs.

Although I have wondered what I would do if he had children.

So many thanks for so many supportive comments. It is hugely appreciated to know I'm not losing it!