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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

173 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 13:43

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. Confused She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 16/04/2016 18:21

I feel sorry for your nephew if your Mum is going to be an influence in his life - I hope someone decent is there too to guide him, as she sounds beyond disgusting.

Just keep her away from your son and he'll be all the better for it, as well as you of course.

t1mum · 16/04/2016 18:30

Nothing to add but I am so sorry that this happened to you and for your family's response. It seems so unfair that you should have to go NC when it is your brother who should have no contact with your wider family, but please consider it further.

And no, YANBU.

LittleLionMansMummy · 16/04/2016 18:43

Sadly op your family are failing you now just as they failed you when you were 14. Know that you are resoundingly (and unanimously right) in your stance and they are utterly wrong. I really cannot find the words, I am so angry for you. Distance yourself and think nothing of it and certainly do not allow yourself to be pressured into ever being in the same room as him again. You sound lovely and I am sure you'll find a way to retain a relationship with your dn. Flowers

ASAS · 16/04/2016 18:49

Tell them all to get lost. I'll be your sister.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/04/2016 18:51

YANBU.

SuperFlyHigh · 16/04/2016 18:52

As you hopefully will go NC with your despicable family I'd tell your brother's GF about this, suppose he ever has kids with her?! Does she have kids??

The mind boggles.

What a disgusting piece of work your brother is and your family even more so... I'm shaking with anger on behalf of the lot of them.

Don't feel guilty or bad by cutting off the lot of them Flowers and a hug to you.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 18:58

Aw ASAS, I might take you up on that! Grin

I don't think I can keep tabs on all of his girlfriends and tell each one. That would just make me come across as a weird bitter freak. And it will cause me no end of bother from my family.

I think if I did go NC it would be completely. If he ever did anything like it again, I would hope my family would realise their mistake.

OP posts:
StayAChild · 16/04/2016 19:01

OP I think you can see how enraged we all are on your behalf.
How can your brother sit there, in the same room as you and your DS, knowing what he did to you? Isn't he even worried that you might blurt it out to his GF?
You were very brave to report it at just 14 years old, not that it did much good. What a horrible time that must have been for you.

I can really understand why you don't want to lose your whole family because of what he did, but they are truly despicable to choose him over you. They don't deserve you.
I hope you can move away and build a happy and safe life for your own little family.

SuperFlyHigh · 16/04/2016 19:03

OP - I don't mean all the girlfriends just this one. But maybe that's me outraged.

It is worrying that even now the cycle could continue.

facedontfit · 16/04/2016 19:05

Flowers for you

Shame on them.

MewlingQuim · 16/04/2016 19:08

YANBU Flowers

I was abused by my elder brother for several years while my parents pretended it wasn't happening and excused their pfb's behaviour saying he was 'only playing' Hmm

I am as NC as I can be with him but still see him at family gatherings where I cringe while my mum moans about how mean I am to him. I was NC with her when I was younger but I found it impossible to stop loving my mum Sad

It is easy to say 'oh just cut them all out of your life forever' but actually doing so is really difficult.

Toocold · 16/04/2016 19:10

This happened to my poor dm, even now it has an impact ( I am quite old) for what it's worth I am so very grateful that my mum had the strength to walk away and cut contact as an adult and I expect your son will as well, if you can find the courage please please go nc with them all, your son will thank you in the future, you could make new happy memories without them, a fresh start. Personally I'd tell the girlfriend but understand the fallout that could cause for you. Please take care of yourself.

Salene · 16/04/2016 19:10

I'm sorry but I would cut contact with these people for your sake and your sons

Your son don't need toxic people in his life. You are better off without them, they are some sick individuals

Anyone who even has anything to do with him in my eyes is as bad as him. Get rid if the lot of them.

Toocold · 16/04/2016 19:11

You are also so very very brave x

randomcatname · 16/04/2016 19:20

Dear OP - everyone here is right. What happened to you is ongoing for as long as you are in contact with these people. I understand it's very easy for us on the internet to advocate no contact. Have you sought counselling over this? It sounds as though you don't fully trust your position, which is common in when all around you disbelieve you. Imagine yourself in 10 years free of these people. Family doesn't have to mean blood relatives. You can build a perfectly lovely family for yourself and your son with other people who will love and support you. Flowers

SideOrderofChip · 16/04/2016 19:23

Oh OP you are DNBU in the slightest.

I really just want to Cwtch you us close and try and make you feel better about yourself. Even though i know i cant Sad Flowers

Lordamighty · 16/04/2016 19:23

Good grief OP, your family are despicable. They don't deserve to have you in their lives.

MrsDeVere · 16/04/2016 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatTimeIsItCuckoo · 16/04/2016 19:27

I can see how difficult cutting family contact completely would be OP as I understand your wanting to stay in contact with your nephew for his sake, yours and your son's, the boys are both innocent after all, and I think you must be a lovely, selfless person to be putting yourself through this in order to keep him in your life. Of course this would mean that you can't completely cut ties with your sister so I think I would state quite clearly to her that you love your nephew and wish to continue with him in your life, and then just remain civil to her for that reason, but also state that you and your son will never be in the same room as your brother, ever. Then stick to this, do not be bullied, and offer no further explanation. For birthday parties such as this your compromise of taking your nephew out with your son beforehand is perfect and if your sister can't see that - tough. Flowers

SoThatHappened · 16/04/2016 19:36

YANBU. Unfortunately its really common for the family to close ranks around the abuser.

This was said on page one and I confess to not having read the rest of the thread.

My sibling and mother have treated me appallingly in the ast, but thankfully nothing so terrible as to what happened to you.

They actually look surprise and demonise me even more when I refuse to engage in family activities because of it.

I started a chat thread about not wanting to go to my nieces party because of it and I was told I was a disgrace and didnt deserve the title of auntie.

I hope people have been kinder to you here.

BoopTheSnoot · 16/04/2016 19:36

YADNBU. You're better off out of it, and if I'm honest you are being a lot more forgiving than I would or could be in your situation.
HelsBels3000 are you for real? Your comment is absolutely ridiculous.

SoThatHappened · 16/04/2016 19:36

And my point was yes people do close ranks around the abuser.

UptownFunk00 · 16/04/2016 19:42

I'd happily be your sister too :F

I would tell any long term girlfriend, especially if she gets pregnant as she shouldn't be in the dark about things like that.

Your family don't deserve your concern.

I know why you'd not want to tell every girlfriend. My sexually/emotionally abusive ex new girlfriend (who incidently was underage she was 15 he was 21) I warned and I also told her Dad and sister - they thought me bitter at the time but months later he shoved her and went to hit her and then her family was grateful but it's not any easy thing to put yourself against, the ridicule.

liinyo · 16/04/2016 19:42

YANBU. You ARE being a good mum. Flowers

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 16/04/2016 21:11

Thanks everyone.

There has been lots of amazing support and some food for thought.

I am booking myself into the doctors next week as I'm going through a rough patch at the minute and didn't think this had anything to do with it, perhaps I'm wrong and I could benefit from some more therapy.

Flowers to all you lovely vipers.

OP posts: