To not attend DNephew's birthday party? *Possible Trigger*

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Long story short, when I was 14 I was raped by my older biological brother. I won't go into the whole shebang but basically I was pressured to drop the charges etc and he was convicted on reduced charges. Didn't get a custodial sentence.

I'm now 25 with a 2.5 year old DS.

Most if not all of my family still see him and my sister and mother still have a close relationship with him.

Now, at various times I have been in the same room as him and gritted my teeth for the sake of the family. However, now I have my own DS to think of, who I want to shield from the sheer fucking mess of it all, I have decided I won't be attending family function with my DS if he is attending.

It's my DNephew's birthday party next weekend and of course my DSis has invited him and his girlfriend. So I have told her we won't be attending the party and I will take DN out with my DS in the morning.

She thinks IABU and I should "put my shit aside for an hour" and think about my DN. She thinks it's silly as it's not like "he will hurt him"

I've basically told her to not push it, I've made up my mind.

Who IBU?

for you happy

I am pleased to read that you will go and see your GP again and defo ask for more therapy (four sessions is nothing really).

Everytime, you have contact with your family/brother, they reinforce the fact that they do not believe you, that it was your fault and that you need to deal with it for the sake of appearances. The fact that they don't speak about it outside of the family and that they lost their shit when you told your DP about it speaks volumes.

You are worth so much more and so is your son. They have made a choice and for your own well being you need to walk away. Yes, it will be sad to lose the relationship with your DN; however, you need to put your needs above that of them. Whatever you do will never be good enough and your son will be tainted with the same brush unfortunately.

I'm NC with my family and at times (birthdays, Christmas, special events) can be difficult; however, my life and well being without them in my life is far happier.

Can you not go back to the police and tell them at 14 you was coerced into making a lesser statement ?

I had to reply cos ny situation isn't all that different. One of my abusers was in the family, tho he is dead now, but I wasn't protected from him or my other abuser (not family). I have been scapegoated for a long time.

I am in long term therapy and about 3yrs ago found the courage to tell my family I would no longer be scapegoated. Our relationship is now on my terms. Some of my family I am nc with, others I will see but only in a public place..not because of danger but because I don't want them in my home and I don't wanna be in theirs. I have made it so they are grateful for any time I allow them to have with me or my children. I am in control now.

I guess what I am trying to say is, they abused you by making you a scapegoat and they are still doing it. How can you move on from what he did while you remain their scapegoat? Perhaps nc is the way to go but I know how hard that is. I haven't been able to do it with my parents because quite simply, I love them.

You don't have to remain their scapegoat. You did nothing wrong. You deserve to be surrounded by people who believe you, who honour you and who will keep you safe. Your family are not those people.

It's tough. I know it's tough. An ever ongoing struggle, but you deserve to be free from them.

So sorry you have gone through this - it's absolutely horrific. Your family have invested a lot of time and effort in minimizing the horrific thing that your brother did in order to preserve the illusion that they are a 'normal' 'happy' family - when clearly this is absolutely not true. Until your son came along you were just-about able to tolerate the ghastly hypocrisy of the situation but now you have family of your own your every instinct is telling you to keep your child away from a group of people whose operating system is so twisted that they condoned sexual abuse. Quite rightly you do not want your child to have contact with the perpetrator - but I'd go further and say that you probably, somewhere inside, don't want your son to be part of this 'family' circle because you cannot be sure that they will keep him safe and protected (because they failed to do this for you when you were a child).

This gives you a conflict because on one hand you want your son to experience family life, but on the other you want to keep him away from these people who have shown that they don't know how to function as a healthy family. Your DS might 'adore' his cousin but as long as he is in her orbit then he's swimming in a pool of toxic sludge. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel but what happened to you, and the cover up around it, is really NOT okay and can't be minimised.

If you can't bring yourself to go NC immediately then can you start to build up a network of loving, supportive friends? Lots of us have 'blood' families who fall far short of the ideal but you can still create a circle of happy, loving, protective people who will give your son (and you) all the security and unconditional love that 'real' family often fails to deliver.

You sound absolutely amazing btw - and stronger than I could ever be in your situation. You are a fantastic mum - caring, smart, thoughtful, and with the proper support, you have all the tools you need to build an emotionally secure future for yourself and your son in which both of you are safe and valued.

Thank you everyone.

Me and DS' Father aren't together anymore, though we still have a good relationship. He was always very supportive and his family, especially his Mum, was and still is brilliant and so good to me.

I've never really thought that being around people who support him is still having a detrimental effect on me. Perhaps that is why I go round and round and have almost cyclical bouts of depression.

I'm sorry to read other stories like mine, whereby we have not received the true support we should have. to all fellow survivors.

Your family basically bullied a 14 year old little girl who had been violated in the most horrific way to drop the charges against this disgusting sickening brute. They're almost as bad as him. He should have been locked up and the key thrown away.
Of course youre not being unreasonable.

"put my shit aside for an hour" - FFS! I am gobsmacked by this.

Your family has treated you like a sacrificial lamb - I would be incandescent with rage!

Go out and have a lovely day with your DS and steer well clear of this "uncle" - how your family can welcome in the bosom is quite beyond me.

I am sorry that your family are unable to give you the love and support that you deserve. Sometimes you have to be your own mother. Love yourself for all the courage, truth, integrity that you own. Your son has a father with a healthy family - as his mother can you join this family instead? Take all the health from them that you can?

I'm so proud of you taking your brother to court without any family support, when you were a girl. What a wonderful girl you were! It is people like you who progress this world to make it a better place for all of us women and our daughters to live in.
Make your son into a man who is worthy of such a wonderful mother. Protect him from the bullshit and align him with the other side of his/your family. Use the support of his father (and family) to distance yourself, until the distance gives you the clarity to realize how strong you have been.

I agree with a previous poster they abused you too by not listening to you and trying to get you to go for a lesser charge. So not only were you abused by your brother, but you were also abused by your mother.

I'm so sorry to hear of all those others who have gone through similar.

I can honestly say I feel sickened that people behave this way.

It's surprising even with friends how people can support an abuser. When I spoke about what my ex did people seemed very blasé about it that it was not particularly nice and he's an ass, but kept talking to him and I have no idea why they'd do that. To be honest a few I speak to vaguely on Facebook but none of them I like or respect anymore, due to it.

Even that my ex looked at 'inappropriate images' of 8-16 year olds seem to just be met with reacts of revolt and that was it.

I'll stop talking about it because even now 9 years later it boils my piss.

Thinking of you OP

I've never had to experience anything like what you've gone through, but for many reasons we don't see much of family and DCs hardly see aunts and uncles. We have some wonderful close friends who are just as caring to the DCs as any family member would be. Surround yourselves with friends who will love and care for you and your DS, they won't be missing out on anything. 'Aunt' & 'uncle' is just a random title, it doesn't make them special, more loving or more caring to you or your DS.

I'd be concerned about DN and DS having a close relationship as they get older. Would DN invite DS to his house (without you, could your brother be there?) or would DN sing your brother's praises to DS? How would you handle this sort of situation? (not to share here, but to know what you'll do in your own mind). It might be easier to limit their friendship and expand others for your DS, so he/you are less likely to be in that situation in the future.

It is up to your DSis to make up her own mind as an adult. Sadly she may side with the rest of your family. That isn't your fault and nor should you feel guilted into staying in contact with her, just because she is your sister.

Admit I've read your first post OP & have jumped straight into replying so apologise if I miss any vital bits in-between (my cookies need to come out the oven in 4 mins so dont have time to read all the thread sorry) but you are absolutely NBU. I was raped at 8 by a family member & for years was told to just suck it up to attend family events with this person despite still being a child & at risk. This has definitely had a lasting effect into my adulthood but I'm now NC with him & all the family members who once told me it wasn't a big deal - never been happier. X

Sometimes it is shocking what people have to deal with in their lives. For you OP and choco and everyone else that has this appalling shit in their lives. The depression stems from crushing down the urge to get all your family by the throats, glare into their eyes and bellow, 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT SACK OF SHIT DID TO ME? WHY DO YOU EVEN LOOK AT HIM, HE IS SCUM!' But we don't do we, we carry on and make nice and internalise it to our own detriment. It's a hard knock life and no mistake :O

Unfortunately they would rather just pretend than face reality. And as you won't pretend with them, you are the one at fault because you are the one spoiling it for them. So you become a victim again and again.
I said earlier I was emotionally abused by my family. I have pulled back massively from them because I have had enough of being the scapegoat and enough of being told everything about me is wrong. It really came to a head because they started on my DD and I will not allow her to be scapegoat by association. My DD would rather it were different as she did at one stage see her grandparents a lot more. She is very mature for her age and an only child. I have told her that we are starting a different kind of family and I will be the best grandma I can be for her children. She is only 7 and yet very aware that my family treats me very poorly then accuses me of being abysmal with them. I understand that you wanting to have s relationship with your niece. I have partly reconciled the loss of being able to have a great relationship with my nephew, my SIL has been a big part of the abuse. She is also a real helicopter mum so it would have been unlikely to happen anyway.
As I see it, I have a duty to stand up to these people not just for me but also because I am teaching my daughter lessons such as boundaries and to not accept bullying. I hope you will be able to stand up to your family and teach these things to your ds.

Poor you. Your sister and family are awful people. I'm sorry but they are awful.

AliceScarlett and HappyGoLuckyGirl I believe you.

This is one of the reasons why rape convictions are so difficult. I know you want to see your DN but I suspect if you want to safeguard your own mental health and that of your daughter. Remember, the family you ar from is simply an accident of genetics and not a reflection on your character.

She invited the man who raped you and has the effing nerve to ask you to come, too? Is this woman completely insane? (Rhetorical question)

Whether or not the rapist will attack your son is not the point - what about you and your wellbeing?

Also, showing a boy that a man can rape his sister and still be invited to all family parties ... is a very, very, very bad influence on him. (You may or may not be planning to tell him, but such things have a tendency to come out sooner or later)

Your son may be too young to rationally understand all this, but he is bound to pick up the toxic atmosphere and dysfunctional family dynamics. You are right not to expose him to this.

Omg. What FreeProteinFromTheSky said. 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT SACK OF SHIT DID TO ME? WHY DO YOU EVEN LOOK AT HIM, HE IS SCUM!'

This sums up how I feel every day. I hate this feeling yet I can't and won't bring myself to forgive.

Janecc - I understand your explanations. Hard for me to sympathise with this set of explanations because it makes these ''families '' less than humane in my eyes.

For what it is worth if you were my friend in real life and I knew this had happened to you I'd be inviting you round for Xmas, celebrating life's events with you, supporting you through the hard times, being an 'Auntie' to your DS and doing all the Auntie type stuff and we'd be family in every way but biology. Family can be anyone you want it to be, build relationships with those that genuinely love you... blood is not always thicker than water and most cocktails (a blend of different ingredients) are thicker than blood

I so agree with sizcasa and summerroses. (In fact summer your post brought tears to my eyes )

My mum was abused physically and emotionally by her father, and she prevented me from meeting him. Back when i was v small I did feel a twinge of curiosity and sadness (literally only a teeny bit) but as soon as I was old enough to understand that he wasn't a nice man and he'd hurt my mum, I totally understood and have never regretted not knowing the old bastard. Get her reasons even more now I'm a grown up.

Just in case you worry that your son will mind in the future. He can see his cousin on other occasions, FGS.

Cookiedough it took me a long time to get to this point. These people don't allow themselves or others to feel the normal range of emotions so I get your point. I've read loads about narcissism and particularly like the article on www.thehappysensitive.com Narcissistic love versus Unconditional love. Apparently we are thought of in the same way as domestic appliances, which need fixing or discarding. Eye opening reading.

Op I agree with siscaza.

I'm so sorry OP that your family didn't keep you safe. It was unacceptable and still is unacceptable that they minimise your brother's attack.

YANBU