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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to have a termination?

164 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:37

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

OP posts:
Ouriana · 17/03/2016 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curren · 17/03/2016 09:44

Yanbu. But you need to accept that he may issue the same ultimatum.

Which results in a stand off. Not suggesting you should do it. But ultimatums go both ways.

Why haven't your worked for 2.5 years. Can you go back to work when this baby is a year or so old? Is that an option?

Don't feel stupid, unless you got of on purpose and didn't tell you stopped butt control. These things happen and it's as much his 'fault' as yours.

Unfortunately there is no easy answer to this one. But being forced into to having an abortion will not end well. Even if logically he is right about the circumstances.

TheChocolateDidIt · 17/03/2016 09:45

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Also you should not feel stupid for getting pregnant. Contraception is not just the woman's responsibility. Your body, your choice and saying no more holidays abroad is a rubbish reason to terminate!

antimatter · 17/03/2016 09:46

You need to do what's right for you.
I am sure you are going to make the right decision.

I am always angry at men who don't take responsibility for their fertility and then try to guild trip their partners to have termination.

He should have had a snip if he was so sure he doesn't want more kids.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 17/03/2016 09:47

No, of course YANBU. Ultimately it's not your DP's decision. Your body, your choice. And from what you've written, I think it would be a serious mistake for you to terminate. Hopefully your DP just needs a bit of time to get used to the idea and will later regret acting like such a total prick. He chose to take the risk. Regardless of what happens, he owes you a lot of apologies for utterly failing to support you.
Good luck. I hope you work everything out. Flowers

possum18 · 17/03/2016 09:51

It takes two to tango so your dp isn't being fair in his reaction. If he is so against more children he should have taken charge to ensure contraceptives were in place and reliable!
Little too late for that lecture now though. First off, congratulations. A baby is a blessing.
You are both aware of what raising a child entails and the sacrifices (and rewards) involved and you are both entitled to your own feelings on the pregnancy, but it is your body and your choice. It dp won't stand by you, you need to make sure you are prepared, able and accepting to do this without him.

Please don't feel pushed into making a decision you will regret - that wrong decision could be keeping or terminating, only you can truly know z

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:59

I do feel responsible as I've taken the pill for 10 years and not got pregnant but I think I missed some in January or didn't start taking them at the correct time (after 7 day break). So I've been careless and that's also why we have DD - I was 23 and not using anything! So this is the 2nd time he's been forced into being a father.

On paper though, I sort of think "what's the problem?" - he has a decent job, we are finally getting on the housing ladder (mortgage is £200 less than rent)

OP posts:
FlourishingMrs · 17/03/2016 10:11

A bit late in the day now. Nine weeks is too far gone in my view. He will have to come round. If you split up over it you will still have your kids.

You can still work for the next few months so maybe you need to be sorting your work situation as soon as possible.

BirthdayBetty · 17/03/2016 10:15

What was his response when you said it will be over? He can't make you terminate if you don't want to. If he really didn't want anymore kids he should've had a vasectomy.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 10:20

I haven't worked for 2.5 years as I wasn't made permanent in my last job due to various flaws/failures. This did affect my confidence and I have been quite depressed/anxious since. I sought help but didn't follow up on the sessions.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 10:22

Why is 9 weeks too for gone Flourishing?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 17/03/2016 10:25

It's really not too far gone at all.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 17/03/2016 10:26

enough it's not too far if you are wanting a termination.

DropYourSword · 17/03/2016 10:27

But, it's absolutely your decision. Don't be pushed into it.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 10:29

BirthdayBetty he thought I was being very unreasonable, leaving him with no choice etc. He says I've used him. And how he thought we were just starting to make progress, ie. buying a house, holidays abroad. Really piling on the guilt. Anyway the holidays have been paid for with inheritance or credit cards so not exactly something we saved for. He knows he can make feel guilty and crap.

I told him the other day that if he really never wanted more kids he should have has the snip. That would be better for me as I hate taking the pill.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/03/2016 10:31

Of course YANBU.

In the same way that nobody gets to say you are UR for choosing to do so.

Your body your choice

Imnotaslimjim · 17/03/2016 10:33

Flourish thats just your opinion, not medical fact, so not really helpful here

enough you have plenty of time to make decisions. Do give him time to consider it, many things are said in shock

curren · 17/03/2016 10:34

It's not too late.

Op does he think you didn't take the pill properly on purpose?

Is he worried about having another dependent since you are unwell?

WhatColourIsBest · 17/03/2016 10:35

Of course YANBU! And I bet you'll get your holidays in the end, these thugs are rarely as bad as first feared.

I was petrified when I fell pregnant with my second child and didn't think we'd cope, but now that they're a wee bit older it's so much easier and the same will be for you too.

I reckon your DH will come round in the end. But it's wrong of him to pressurise you like that. Don't give in.

WhatColourIsBest · 17/03/2016 10:36

*things not thugs!

antimatter · 17/03/2016 10:37

What was his answer to your question about him volunteering to have snip?

twofingerstoGideon · 17/03/2016 10:53

Ignore flourish. Her comment is clearly not based in fact.
OP - your body, your choice.
It's wrong of him to pressurise you. If he's so adamant about not wanting children, he should have taken steps himself to ensure it didn't happen.

slebmum1 · 17/03/2016 10:56

Nine weeks is not too far if that's what the op wants.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 17/03/2016 10:59

If he came around to the idea once he probably will again. But, I think what you need to ask yourself is, if you keeping the baby caused your marriage to break down, would you cope as a lone parent? It doesn't sound like any part of you wants a termination (I've been through a termination I felt forced into, and it did mess with my head). So on that basis I really wouldn't advise it. I think to go through with a termination and not feel too messed up about it you need to be sure it's what YOU want.

jellybean2000 · 17/03/2016 11:02

FWIW...I have a 10 year age gap and a 2 bed house and my boys are fabulous, so don't let the age gap or size of house influence your decision.

Your body, your choice.