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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to have a termination?

164 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:37

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 19/03/2016 07:44

I don't mean this unkindly, but from some of your responses it sounds almost like you want DH to push you into a termination so you can use it as a catalyst to leave him? It doesn't sound like either of you were very happy even before you found out about the pregnancy. If your gut feeling is that you want the baby then you need to tell DH that so you can sit down & discuss where you go from there.

Ready123 · 19/03/2016 08:30

It sounds to me as though you don't really want a baby right now and there are things you really want to focus on and sort out first.

Having an abortion does not need to be traumatic and something to regret. I have had one, as have many women, and I don't regret it for a second. If it is not the right time for you to have a baby, then you don't need to have one. You can always have a baby in a few years when things are calmer (and after you have discussed with your partner what you both want) or perhaps you will end up leaving your partner and meeting somebody else you do want a baby with.

Ultimately it is of course your choice. If you have a baby then you should be prepared to bring it up alone given that your partner has made his feelings quite clear. Even so, I am sure you will never regret having a baby once it is here. But abortion doesn't need to be something to regret either - I am grateful every day that I had the option of a quick and straightforward termination that meant I could get on with my life rather than have it changed irreparably forever by something I hadn't planned and didn't really want to happen at that time. And when my planned child came along several years later, I was in a much better position to be a mother.

Bambambini · 19/03/2016 09:46

It doesn't sound a good situation for any of you, bringing another baby into this. Do you think this baby will enhance all of your lives or be negative. Will you be able to cope mentally and physically, whether your partner is behind you or not?

I feel for you op, must be an awful situation to be in and a difficult choice to make. But we don't know you, so people just saying "go with your heart" and "everything will be allright" have no idea if this is really the best situation for you.

JolseBaby · 19/03/2016 10:07

You wish you weren't pregnant.
You wish you weren't buying this house.
You wish you'd settled down with someone more committed to fatherhood.

Take a step back and look at those statements, which you have made throughout the thread.

Being absolutely honest, in your shoes I would have the termination. Pull out of buying the house and dump him. You have your inheritance so that you can rent somewhere on your own and keep your head above water for the moment. I bet that if you weren't with him 'sucking the joy' out of everything, you would probably find that your depression improved. That leads to you being able to go back into the workplace - better for you and your DD. She can still have regular contact with her Dad. Once you have your life back on an even keel there is nothing to say that you cannot meet someone else and have more children with them - the world is full of possibilities.

You have one life. How sad for you and your DD to live in an environment where your 'D'P thinks that you aren't good enough. Shit for you being ground down by it, and for her to watch her Mum being treated like crap. Would you want this relationship dynamic for your daughter?

AppleSetsSail · 19/03/2016 10:16

You wish you weren't pregnant.
You wish you weren't buying this house.
You wish you'd settled down with someone more committed to fatherhood.

Take a step back and look at those statements, which you have made throughout the thread.

Being absolutely honest, in your shoes I would have the termination.

I agree 100%. I have very little reverence for a 9 week embryo and there is no way I would allow my life to tailspin over it.

Your husband is a complete asshole and you should leave him. You can walk away from this situation and start over.

Trollicking · 19/03/2016 10:37

If you terminate you should make sure you are doing it for yourself and not because your DP is pressurizing you. It would be easier to absolve yourself from making the decision by blaming your DP so I think you need to make sure that you 'own' your decision either way. It's healthier for you and, I imagine, it will reduce any feelings of regret.
If you have an abortion with the mindset that your DP has pressurized you into it I think you will feel bitter and angry and that would be bad for your mental health and for your daughter.

So, regardless, of your decision make sure it's your choice.

Good luck. This must be extremely hard for you.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/03/2016 11:56

You are not doomed to a sad and hopeless life or relationship. Your DH appears to be a significant factor in your depression and I'd suggest you think hard about that. The resentment and contempt he shows you is palpable and your lack of confidence in yourself and your ability to live as a fully functioning adult Is so sad to read. It doesn't have to be like this

Original poster

EnoughAlready999 · 20/03/2016 10:56

10 weeks today. The original termination was booked for yesterday but I postponed it. DP has accepted it now but is having doubts about buying the house with it being so small. If we don't buy now I will end up frittering away my deposit.

OP posts:

NoOneIsInterested · 20/03/2016 12:03

I'm glad that you DP has accepted the pregnancy now. I hope you have really talked about it and that neither of you are harbouring too many resentments. Do you think counselling might be an idea too. Your relationship doesn't sound good.

You comment about frittering away the deposit is worrying. You could just choose not to fritter it away and save it until you sort things out with your DP. . You need to take some responsibility for your life and your actions.

Trills · 20/03/2016 12:38

If we don't buy now I will end up frittering away my deposit.

Why is that?

mortgagefreesoon5 · 20/03/2016 12:51

Please don't do it. You clearly want this baby.You'll regret if you terminate. You ll still get your house, go on holidays and have a squeeze lovely baby. Things work out somehow. And DH will come round. Be strong and hold onto what you really want.

starry0ne · 20/03/2016 12:52

Has he told you this? Do you have enough money for what you need?

antimatter · 20/03/2016 16:48

Put your money away in a deposit where you need 60 days notice to withdraw. You won't fritter it away.

I wanted to ask you what is it about you being lazy?
Who says that you are. You or him?

Original poster

EnoughAlready999 · 22/03/2016 11:51

We both think it and say it. The fact is I am lazy.

OP posts:

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