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Original poster

not to have a termination?

164 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:37

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 17/03/2016 12:26

every child a wanted child. But also pro-choice, every woman should make her own decision about whether an abortion is right for her at a time. If the OP decides it is not right for her, that's it.

what's done is done. There is no 100% reliable contraceptive except abstinence.

so time for you both to man/woman up - there's going to be a second baby, think about the practicalities and face the consequences.

antimatter · 17/03/2016 12:28

Anyone who says I trust one methoid of contraception is exposing themselves to the law of statistics.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/how-effective-contraception.aspx

Pill even if taken correctly has 1% failure rate.

That means that if 100 women are taking the same type of pill 1 of them will get pregnant within the next 12 months.

Even if OP was taking her's following instructions she might have gotten pregnant anyway.
That's why men should also take responsibility for their fertility. Othervise they may father a baby and that is a given.

expatinscotland · 17/03/2016 12:40

Don't have a termination because you don't want one. What special said.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone · 17/03/2016 12:40

Hmm, the pill might only be 99% effective but the OP is actively using protection when taking the pill and her DP thought she was using protection. However she wasn't. She admitted to missing a few pills.

Under those circumstances I can't plame the DP for feeling the way he does.

It is a choice you should make together in my opinion.

OohMavis · 17/03/2016 12:46

It is a choice you should make together in my opinion.

Sounds lovely, but they don't agree. What then?

ApplePaltrow · 17/03/2016 12:46

Don't have a termination unless you want to.

You have the right to have the baby. He has the right to leave. He has done nothing wrong. Neither of you are villains.

MsMims · 17/03/2016 12:47

I do feel sorry for your DP. Did you not tell him that you had missed your pills at the time?

With my DP, we agreed to use the pill as contraception and if for whatever reason I didn't think it would be effective due to missing pills/ upset stomach/ late pills I tell him so we can either both choose to risk it or use other contraception. I don't think it would be fair for the woman to know the pill isn't going to be as effective and not let her DP also choose whether they want to risk a pregnancy.

Yes, contraception is a joint responsibility but in a partnership if you choose to use the pill it is the woman's responsibility to make sure it's taken correctly, or let her DP know if it hasn't been.

Danlsb · 17/03/2016 12:48

I got pregnant whilst on the pill ( I had been taking it correctly and didn't miss a dose) doctor said there is a risk with all contraception - even the snip is not 100% reliable. My OH was shocked and concerned about how we would cope - we had only just moved in together. However dd is now 2:4 and we are both so glad we went ahead ( OH was still unsure for most the pregnancy but once dd was born he was smitten)
Stay positive and I wish you well. It maybe a good idea to speak to gp about help for your anxiety/depression as pregnancy, moving house etc. Can be stressful and play havoc with your emotions not to mention your current situation. Take care x

BolshierAryaStark · 17/03/2016 12:53

Agree with Morris
Whilst I do sympathise I also think the DP has a right to be pissed off.

Valentine2 · 17/03/2016 12:55

If your house and living is about to cost you £200 less than the current situation, you can surely afford your new baby. You have plenty time to try and get back into part time work too before the baby is here.
By the way, it's you who had to keep taking pills and if you missed them, he was "forced" to become a father? There is something wrong with that situation there. I think accidents happen and if they result in new sibling for your DD, why not? :)

Justaboy · 17/03/2016 12:56

Pardon a mere bloke barging in but. If you were my wife /other half/ lady then I'd say keep the child and sod the foreign holidays and you'll manage. The house may well still happen you might get back to work, a lot of things could change but as the dad of three fantastic daughters you can see where I stand on the matter.

Over time they've bought more happiness than any building, holiday, materiel possession anything etc.

Course in the end your decision, but Just sayin;!

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/03/2016 13:05

I brought up boy and girl in a 2 bed house, 1 average size bedroom and 1 tiny bedroom. Eldest was in the tiny bedroom on her own till ds was old enough to go in a bed with no sides. then I bought bunk beds. I know 1 family of 4 who lived in a 1 bed flat. Children had the bedroom and mum and dad were on a bed settee.

You say you wanted to have any subsequent pregnancies planned but 10 years later you still hadn't planned another child. When if things hadn't gone the way they have would you and your dh decide to plan your next child. Does your dh want to be a parent at all? or has he in a way been forced to parent your dd but doesn't actually want another child ever.

Did you get pregnant knowing if you had suggested even talking about another baby he would have said no so you subconsciously took the absolute no out of his hands IYSWIM..

Inshock73 · 17/03/2016 13:12

Enough you have my total understanding and empathy on this one because I'm in a very similar position!

I'm 43 with a 10 month old baby, our daughter was very much wanted but both myself and DP are late to parenthood by choice, he's 39. We decided our daughter would be our only child partly due to age, partly finances etc and we were happy with that decision. However......we discovered I'm pregnant a month ago, currently 11 weeks, and we were absolutely floored. I cried every day for 3 weeks!! We live in a rented 1 bed flat, I normally have a good job but was on a contract in my last position so contract ended when maternity leave started. I was offered and accepted a new job just before finding out and I'm due to start next week and haven't told them yet!

We have spent the last 5 weeks talking through what we should do. We've swung like a pendulum between keeping and not keeping the baby. In the end we've decided to keep the baby and keep everything crossed my new employer is understanding and I keep my new job. DP works too but we want to buy a home etc so we need both incomes. For us, we feel that at our ages this will probably be our last chance and we've decided that although we think it will be a struggle, a huge struggle, in the long run we'll see it as a blessing, which is how we view our daughter.

Good luck with your decision x

TeamStark · 17/03/2016 13:13

Birth control pills can fail for lots of reasons. They can be ineffective if you take them with certain antibiotics. They can be ineffective if you get the runs, or a vomiting bug. They can sometimes be ineffective if you don't take them at the same time every day. And yes, sometimes they can be ineffective if you miss a few pills after the week off. But even then, an unplanned pregnancy isn't entirely your "fault". An educated partner should be aware of these risks and take his own precautions if he is keen to prevent pregnancy - perhaps a vasectomy is extreme, but what was to stop him from using a condom if he was that dead set against having another baby?

Let's say you follow through on buying that two-bed house. It might be a squeeze for a family of four, but it may also work out just fine. A baby (and maybe even a toddler) could have a cot in your room with your partner at first. When he/she is older, they could share a bedroom with your older child. And while you might have a teenager by then, needing her own space, your financial circumstances could also be totally different in a few years. You might be able to sell the two-bedroom house by then and move into a bigger one with a third bedroom. Or you might find you're able to build an extension, depending on the type of house you're looking at.

MorrisZapp · 17/03/2016 13:19

The sickness and antibiotic stuff is very clearly explained on the packaging, and usually by the doctor or hcp who prescribes it too.

That isn't a pill fail, it's a user fail.

Inshock73 · 17/03/2016 13:21

Don't feel guilty about the birth control element Enough there isn't time for that now, you need to just deal with the situation and not proportion blame. If it makes you feel any better we didn't use any birth control! We foolishly kept out of that 'fertile window', or so we thought, and literally had sex once in that whole month!

BillSykesDog · 17/03/2016 13:27

OP, of course you shouldn't have an abortion if you don't want one.

BUT

I do get the feeling that your DP is being a bit more realistic about this than you are and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

I think he may well have a point about the house and he certainly does about the holidays.

You need to sit down and work out how you are going to do this financially. Are you going to carry on renting or go ahead with the house with a view to either room sharing in some way or saving up to move to a larger house not long after you move in? Are you going to go back to work at some point to facilitate that?

I think you need to be realistic about the fact that with two children and renting, putting holidays on credit cards or spending windfalls on them would be extremely imprudent and not something that you should be doing.

I don't think he is being at all unreasonable to point out that you're going to have to make sacrifices elsewhere if you go ahead with the pregnancy.

Klaptrap · 17/03/2016 13:54

Your body, your choice!

No one can tell you what you should do - but please don't be pushed into a termination, if it's not what you want.

I got pregnant by accident in my early twenties (took the MAP, which didn't work) and I agreed, reluctantly, to have a termination, because it was what everyone around me seemed to think was the "right" thing to do. However I suffered a miscarriage before I went through with the termination. Miscarriage left me absolutely broken, and I really don't know how I would have coped after the termination - knowing I'd made that choice, when it wasn't what I really wanted.

Please think carefully, don't be bullied into anything by your DP!

LeaLeander · 17/03/2016 13:55

I can't blame the husband for not wanting another child or for being distressed about this pregnancy.

No, the pill is not 100 percent effective but this is not a case of that - it's a case of failure to use it properly and failure to inform partner of that. OP, had you ever discussed vasectomy with your husband? Had the two of you ever discussed how another accidental pregnancy would be handled?

What would be the effect on your existing daughter? Would tight finances deprive her of any educational/growth opportunities, holidays or hobbies/sport/outings? Would decreased parental attention and the need to focus family life around the needs of a baby/toddler/pre-schooler have an effect on her as she moves into crucial school years?

Good luck in making your decision.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 14:01

Curren I have usually told him when I've missed a pill or two but I think we both got a bit complacent about it.
There may be some truth as to subconsciously wanting to get pregnant though. He would never agree to it as he's always said I'm not committed enough. I think being depressed makes me seem very uncaring and cold. But I don't feel very loved by him either.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 14:08

Justaboy That's lovely that you enjoy being a dad so much. I really really wish I had styled down with someone who actually wanted and enjoyed children.

He says if I was different we'd have had a 2nd ages ago but I'm not sure I believe that. I think its something he says to make me feel guilty (again).

He won't ever leave as he can't trust me to bring up our daughter properly (ie. so she doesn't turn out like me).

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 14:11

*settled

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 14:14

We are buying the house. I'm prepared to sacrifice holidays, its him that works all year and wants to weeks in the sun - completely understandable.

OP posts:
LifeIsChaos · 17/03/2016 14:23

I think there are two issues here.

The pregnancy and your dh. He doesn't sound very supportive of you. Your last posts make him sound emotionally abusive, does he often put you down?

If you want this baby do not allow him to talk you into it.

BirthdayBetty · 17/03/2016 14:25

Op, he doesn't sound a very nice partner.

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