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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to have a termination?

164 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:37

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

OP posts:
Cutecat78 · 17/03/2016 19:43

At 19 I had a termination. I still think of it now 22 yrs later - I don't regret because I was making bad lifestyle choices but it makes me feel sad.

At 26 I became pregnant with my third child after a fling and the relationship with my first two children had ended. DS2 is now 14 - I have never felt sad or regretted having him.

Only ever have a termination if it's what you really really want because it will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Mumof2twoboys · 17/03/2016 19:46

Even with a 2 bed you could always build a small extension/ granny flat type thing and turn it into a 3 bed in a few years time

I would keep the baby, don't let him bully you
Good luck

ChicChantal · 17/03/2016 19:48

Don't be pushed into anything you don't want to do. You would only regret it.

antimatter · 17/03/2016 19:52

OP's partner could have only been sure 99% if he was actively protecting himself.

It is like driving - we trust that other drivers will be responsible and never make any mistakes or drink or fall asleep at the wheel or get distracted.
And for that we take car insurance.

I think many couples don't actually think contraception through and leave a lot to chances.

Thymeout · 17/03/2016 20:11

I agree with Lea.

This relationship sounds bad enough already without bringing into it a second child when DP has made it quite clear he does not want it. Not fair on either of the children.

Yet Op says she will only leave if she terminates? If she has the baby, she wants to stay?

I can understand wanting to keep the baby and being prepared to be a single mother if that's what it takes. But Op's line seems to be 'like it or lump it'. And she thinks her DP will go along with it and not leave because he's worried about the welfare of their first child.

There's a lot more to this than whether 2 dc's can share a room or whether they will be able to have holidays in the sun.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/03/2016 04:53

Sorry to divert slightly but you sound like you have bad depression and/or anxiety. Are you getting healthcare for it? Sorry if you're totally on it with the whole mental health thing but from this thread you sound like its massively debilitating for you ...

starry0ne · 18/03/2016 09:04

I think the how you got pregnant now irrelevant..It may affect partners feelings ..However you are where you are there is a potential baby involved...

You do need to have a look at this relationship..As has been said you are both issuing ultimatums to essentially get your own way...This baby feels like a pawn before he/she has even been born..

I am not sure if you are parenting your 10 year old...If not this needs addressing.. You do need to look at this regardless of what happens with the pregnancy... Do you think you can parent 2 children.

Are you getting attention for your lack of energy.

FlourishingMrs · 18/03/2016 09:05

Thank you for your comments, nine weeks is too far gone is my opinion not medical fact, if OP wanted medical fact she would have good to the doctors not to us on here. I had a termination several years ago and I still carry the guilt. I have since had two miscarriages and they have been devastating.

If any of you have had a scan at 8 weeks and seen the heartbeat etc you will hopefully understand were I am coming from. I don't think OP wants a termination and she should not be pressured in to one. But then again I can support my self and my kids with or without DH. OP please think long and hard about it. If you think you can manage on your own then go for it. It's quite likely your DH will come around the idea but prepare for the worst. Best wishes whatever you decide to do. It must be your decision no one else's.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 18/03/2016 09:07

Oh love. He's done quite a number on you :(

He has you convinced he's better than you, that you are inadequate, that you couldn't cope etc. He has you believing you aren't worthy & are lucky he puts up with you. He even has you putting up with him saying he stays so your daughter doesn't turn out like you.

You say he's 'not that bad'. He is. You just can't see it.

I simply don't know how to convince you that HE is the problem. I wish you were here in person.

ItsSoooFluffy · 18/03/2016 10:10

If you want to keep the baby, please do. I was in the same position as you were almost 4 years ago. I have two children already at the time and my youngest was about 9 months. I really didn't want to go ahead with a termination but I was pressured into it and consistently worn down by my Dp to go ahead with it. It took me about 2 years to get over it, I felt as if I was grieving. I don't think I'll fully ever get over it and I often think about what the child would be like now as a nearly 3 year old.

DropYourSword · 18/03/2016 12:13

FlourishingMrs. I absolutely agree that the OP shouldn't be pressured into a decision. But I think this is completely unfair and uncalled for:
nine weeks is too far gone is my opinion not medical fact. She doesn't need your opinion or judgement on this, and your opinion is completely irrelevant. There are specific gestations that terminations can be performed to.

Hygge · 18/03/2016 15:16

I agree with DropYourSword, giving personal opinion on timescales may be just as much pressure on the OP to not terminate as her DP is putting her under by wanting her to terminate.

I don't think the OP has asked for medical facts, but she also hasn't asked for personal opinions on timescales. Her post has never been about timescales, it's about her and her partner disagreeing on continuing the pregnancy and what to do for the best.

And I think all we can really say on that is if she doesn't want to terminate, then she shouldn't be forced to.

She does have to think very carefully about what this means for the future, for her relationship, for her other child, for her financial circumstances and for her own mental health, and make the best decision she can based on all of that.

But advising her to think carefully, to find someone she can trust to confide in, to speak to her doctor, that's as far as we can go after we've reassured her that she shouldn't feel forced into a decision one way or the other by anybody else.

whois · 18/03/2016 15:41

Well, no one should be forced to terminate. But I also think it's pretty shit bringing a child into the world where one half of the parents actively doesn't want the child.

The situation here sounds shit. Unhappy couple. Poor mental health. Is another child really going to improve things?

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 18/03/2016 17:08

No its not whois.

I still don't know what to do. I know I wish I wasn't pregnant. The house we're buying is too small and I'd rather get better and get back to work tbh.

OP posts:
LifeIsChaos · 18/03/2016 17:44

The only advice I can give you is to go with your heart. Everything else can be sorted with the right support. You really dont want to live with the effects of a termination for the 'right' reasons if even a small part of you wants the baby. Believe me. Ultimately it's your choice but you need to be 100% certain.

Headofthehive55 · 18/03/2016 17:58

The child already exists lea
It's just not fully developed, but then babies aren't fully developed either.

I have a daughter born before the legal cut off for termination, who very much exists!

Pro choice, but make sure it's you op that's making the choice!

ateapotandacake · 18/03/2016 18:16

AAAARGH I'm sorry it is not the second time he's been "forced" into fatherhood: pregnancy is a side effect of sex! He needs to grow up and respect you and your body- your choice! Do not feel guilty, and if he makes you feel guilty, well, there's a whole other thread for you.
I am sending hugs and strength and if you choose to stay pregnant then I am sending congratulations, too. X

LifeIsChaos · 18/03/2016 19:18

I've got to mention. My termination was for medical reasons, the medication I was on at the time carried a very high risk. Think along the lines of thalidomide. And I'm still beating myself up as I did want that child.

So make sure it's want you want. I can't stress that enough.

FlowersAndShit · 18/03/2016 20:10

I'm sorry OP but I can't imagine what sort of quality of life this unborn child will have. I'd rather not be born than be born into a situation like this.

It's an awful thing but in situations like these I think the kindest thing a mother can do for her unborn child is to have a termination or give it up for adoption. That would be in the best interests of an unborn child that would otherwise be born into a miserable, hopeless situation.

I think it's very selfish to not terminate in a situation like this as it's more about the mother's feelings than a child's best interests. I think women who decide to terminate are selfless and are thinking about that unborn child rather than their own feelings.

WonderingAspie · 18/03/2016 21:08

Personally I'm not sure that a termination is best as you don't really want it. However the whole situation sounds totally shit and I do feel a bit sorry for your DD being in the situation she is in. I don't believe this relationship is at all healthy.

LifeofI · 18/03/2016 21:32

as everyone else has said dont be pushed into doing something you dont want as you will live with the regret of it

Alice1983 · 18/03/2016 22:44

Go with your heart and dont let fear hold you back Flowers

flirtygirl · 19/03/2016 01:23

Flowersandshit is talking shit, it may be a miserable situation but its not hopeless, DP may change, OP may change, people do everyday.
Children are born into worse situations every day but thats not to say they wont be loved or shouldn't be born. Mental health can get better and the baby may help the OP, that and getting rid of her abusive DP as she cant see it yet, but he sounds very emotionally abusive. Her mental health will probably get better without him in the picture. Also children can be great healers, as can time.
Why should a child lose its life and the OP have to suffer possible grief and regret over an unwanted termination?
Not to get into timescales but you do have time to work on you and the depression OP before making a decision. You have many decisions to make like leave, move, buy house and terminate but getting better and beginning to feel better should be where you start.
Please go see your GP OP as depression is rough and may be hindering your decision making or at the very least making it so much harder, there are antidepressants that are great in pregnancy in case you are keeping the baby and after a couple weeks, you will feel better and begin to have some clarity on your situation.
I think you will realise you are a better mother than you know and you have been believing your partners put downs.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

SecretWitch · 19/03/2016 01:40

Op, so sorry you are struggling with this Flowers Please make the decision you can best live with. I found myself in a very similar situation many years ago, I remember what those emotions felt like...I wish you strength and clarity..

Trollicking · 19/03/2016 02:44

What a difficult situation. OP, have you anyone else in real life who you could talk to? Minot sure Mumsnet is the best place for this type of scenario - people's feeling are too strong and I think it an be difficult for posters to give impartial advice and with something as emotive as abortion I don't think that's a good thing.

That said my advice would be to really try and sit down and talk this through with your partner. Call in third party help if need be. Whatever you do it will be much better for everyone concerned if you and your DP can work together.

It sounds like it not a happy partnership and, personally, I would be hesitant to have a baby without my partners support. I'd worry about the future too much. It sounds like you struggle with the relationship with your partner and with your own health.

Babies are hard work at the best of times and eve the soundest of relationships can suffer when a baby comes along.

Op, you haves very difficult decision to make. You have to use your heart AND your head.