not to have a termination?

[EnoughAlready999]

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

Don't do it if you feel you don't want to - trust me.

He needs to pull his big boy pants up and face the situation he helped create, pill mishap or no. Guilt-tripping, manipulating you into doing something that will damage your mental health is disgusting.

As for forcing him into being a father - he's a father already. You have a daughter. I think it's pretty crass for him to pull that line when your daughter is alive and well and loved.

I hope it works out for you and he gets it together OP. Just don't do it if you don't want it. It's an awfully shit thing to recover from when you are forced into it.

YANBU at all. This is your baby and your body and you should choose what you want to happen. Do not let him force you into getting this done. If you did as you said you would be over. I think you have a few options and outcomes from what you have said so far:

1. keep the baby and DH comes round to the idea in time
2. keep the baby and DH doesn't come round and leaves
3. Abort the baby and you leave as you said you couldn't stay with him

Keep your baby

Please don't have a termination for any reason other than YOU really want to have one.

Of course it's your choice.

But you will have to take the responsibility for the consequences of that choice if you decide to continue with the pregnancy. There will be a financial impact on the family, and it's unfair to expect your Dh to shoulder the burden alone.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, you need to take your anxiety issues seriously and get back into treatment and make plans for finding work when the baby is born, or even before, as pp suggested.

From reading your posts, it's not something you want even a little bit and you would regret it if you did. For those reasons you absolutely should not terminate. Do not let him guilt you into anything. You must be 33/34? Plenty of time to have a DC and go on holidays a bit later on. Not exactly an older mother.

Don't let him bully you into something you don't want to do.

JellyBean how did you manage practically? Did you keep the baby in your room or do they share? The annoying thing for me is that our house now (rental) is bigger than the one we're buying. But the new one has a big garden at least.

Thanks for that LionsLedge.

I do have some reservations about having a baby - I feel so tired anyway and do wonder how I will cope. I don't if I'll have the energy and patience. With my daughter, age 0-5 was fine but 5-10 I have struggled as she is quite highly strung and can be emotionally draining. I am too soft on her and know I will need to take a different approach with the 2nd one.

DS2 (nearly 7) is in the main bedroom with me. It's a large room and he has a corner of it. It's not what you might choose, but he's known nothing else and means DS1 (nearly 17) has his own space.

By the time it becomes a real issue DS1 will have left home. I may then turn the big room into a room for both of them that DS1 can kip down when he visits and I'll have the small room.

TBH...I don't really think about it much. We all sleep in beds...stuff convention!

I think the DH is getting a hard time here. The contraceptive pill only works if taken according to the clear instructions. If it isn't taken properly, then any resulting pregnancy isn't really accidental is it.

I don't agree with the mn mantra that men should all have vasectomies if they want to avoid pregnancy. If their partner tells them they're on the pill then that pretty much covers it.

I often wonder what mn would think of a man insisting that his partner takes her pill in front of him every day to make sure she takes it. He'd be called all sorts I have no doubt.

Yet when pills get 'forgotten' he's equally to blame and should have had a vasectomy.

OP, of course you aren't being unreasonable, it's up to you how you go forward with this. But you will also have to live with the consequences in your relationship, whatever they end up being.

I'm a very pro choice person.

Don't be pushed in to an abortion, it's your body so it is really your choice.
The thing is if you feel you want this baby and you did have an abortion to please your husband, you might have many regrets afterwards and you may even end up resenting him and you'll be over then anyway.

No contraception is 100%, surely your husband understands this. He could of wore a condom if he was so worried about having another child.

If you keep the baby
Your husband might come round to the idea
Your husband might leave, if he feels it's really not what he wants.

I agree with Morris. You tend to trust your partner - so if they, as an adult, say they are taking the pill, you kind of expect them to take the pill properly and not just miss them - and not tell you - out of carelessness.

He's entitled to be pissed off. But OP, you have to do what's right for you...

Of course you tend to trust your partner, especially if they say they are taking the pill. There are coils and things if you can't remember the pill each day.

But what's done is done and now a decision has to be made about the baby

I wish you luck op.

Absolutely he has a right to be annoyed and yes even discuss options, but it should stop there imo. He doesn't get to bully his partner into an abortion.

OP you say DD was unplanned, how did he react when you found out you were expecting her? Did he try to convince you to have a termination?

Yes he suggested a termination last time. It was a horrible time and this happening now brings back bad memories. I always wanted any subsequent pregnancies to be planned so I could feel happy and look forward to telling people. But here we are again and all I feel is guilty and stupid.

Don't tell him that if you have a termination it will be over, this leaves him thinking a termination is an option. It's not. YOU don't want one. Tell him YOU are keeping the baby, what he chooses to do about that is his choice (and that's assuming you want him to stay, personally I wouldn't) . As you say, if he was that against having a baby he should have had a vasectomy.

Congratulations 💐

Hi Enoughalready, I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I was struck that both of you seem to be issuing ultimatums over this - he's saying no house or holidays if you keep it, and you're saying end of relationship if you make me get rid of it. I understand that you are going through a really difficult situation, but both stances come across as quite passive aggressive. Can you sit down and just talk to each other about it without making decisions or talking about ultimatums? This way you might be able to talk more constructively.

It's not fair for him to blame you for making a mistake. You took responsibility for contraception (and put your body at risk) for many years. The pill is not 100% foolproof. He could have taken responsibility himself, condoms, vasectomy etc...

He cannot 'make' you get rid of it, you can only decide that yourself. Will he put a lot of pressure on you if you decide to keep it? Will he leave? From what you are saying it seems he wouldn't - i.e. he's complaining about holidays and the house. Can you afford to bring up two children on your own?

You have one DD and I get that you want her to have a sibling. I would love my DS to have a sibling (sadly too bloody late). She is going to be affected by whatever happens, so you talking about her interests to your DP is the right thing to do.

Good luck, I hope you and your DP find a way through...

The OP states that she didn't take the pill correctly. So in this case, she is responsible for what happened.

That's not to say he gets to force her into anything, he isn't. But is right to say it was her responsibility.

To posters saying about the pill v a vasectomy. I get your point (and in this case I agree the OP should have told him she'd messed up taking her pill & they could have used condoms) but the pill isn't 100% even if taken properly, so pregnancy is a risk (albeit a smalle one) anyway. The OP feels 'guilty & stupid' already, so much more to be said on that count is there :(

EA, you're pregnant 💐 You're allowed to embrace it & enjoy it. Just because it wasn't planned doesn't mean you can't be excited & happy and tell the whole world. You are already a Mum, it's a whole different story to when you were pregnant with DD. MOST people will reflect the emotion you show when you tell them.

You may have answered this, but I can't find it.

Did you tell him you took the pill incorrectly at the time?

Does he think you did it on purpose?

• NOT. So not much more to be said...

Keep the baby. Contraception is a 2 way street and if he didn't want another, he would have had a vasectomy. It sounds like you want to keep this baby so keep the baby.

Sure. But I'm answering posters who say the dh is equally responsible. With respect, he isn't.

The pill is not a two way street. Only the woman can take it.

Sorry OP I am genuinely sympathetic and I agree you absolutely should not terminate a wanted pregnancy. I'm just not keen on the whole 'vasectomy' line on MN.