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Original poster

not to have a termination?

164 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:37

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 17/03/2016 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven · 17/03/2016 16:15

Your dp makes me really angry op, he would have you terminate your child so he can have two weeks on a beach.
Do not let him pressure you into a termination.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 17/03/2016 16:17

I would consult the Citizens Advice Bureau. Maybe, if you put your savings into a house, you will be entitled to benefits?

Deathclawswouldrunfrommykids · 17/03/2016 16:27

We use condoms, which is DP's responsibility. We have always used them religiously, yet at some point something went wrong and I got pregnant, having 3 year old twins, this wasn't the perfect situation but we sat down and talked about it. At no point did it occur to me to blame DP simply because birth control was his job. We both know that sex produces babies and even if the risk is minimal it is a risk!

OP the past is in the past and you have a decision to make. It would be best for everyone if you can make it together, but ultimately it's your body, so it's your call and you need to make the choice you can live with.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/03/2016 16:33

So if you don't cough up the 10% deposit he is leaving? Seems like you are paying to be in a relationship.

StrictlyMumDancing · 17/03/2016 16:38

Please don't abort your baby when you clearly feel this strongly about it. You will figure something out, but if you feel your mental health is suffering now it will only get worse if you make a decision you already know you'll regret.

I was you over a decade ago. I had the abortion. I've still never forgiven myself. DH used my poor mental health as a weapon to get me to comply. DH ended up becoming XH anyway, him happy but me still riddled with guilt and shame.

But you know what? My mental health massively improved without that jerk around, and I now have a DH who respects me and we have 2 DC together. DH doesn't make my mental health worse nor use my issues against me.

antimatter · 17/03/2016 16:45

If we don't buy the house he said we are not renting anymore and that we will break up.

so he is forcing you to buy something
I think that is very unfair thing to say

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 17/03/2016 17:12

Don't buy the house

Don't have a termination

Do separate from this nasty, controlling, awful man.

I have to go to work right now, but love, I'd put actual real money on you being a totally different, happier person on your own with your DD & your baby x

dottycat123 · 17/03/2016 17:15

Slightly aside be very careful with your inheritance money. I put £36000 of inheritance money into a house with ex, we had legal documents drawn up recognising my contribution and that should we split up this would be taken into account. 17 years later when we split up I didn't get the full money back,his extra contribution to the household when I was bringing up children and not earning was taken into account. Not sure if it would be different as your not married.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 17:31

My daughter would suffer if we split. There are times when I've thought we could split and she could stay with him as he is more normal than me in terms of making conversation with her, having the energy to go and play cricket etc in the park.
I can't see myself leaving and keeping this baby. I'd only leave if I was terminating. Its all just such bad timing with buying a house as well.
He's not that bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 17:34

I am difficult to live with and quite lazy. He has stayed with me and worked to provide for us so I guess I should think myself lucky.

OP posts:
ilovesprouts · 17/03/2016 17:38

At the end of the day it's your choice.

Cabrinha · 17/03/2016 18:00

You have a golden opportunity to separate now, whilst you have some money behind you.

Personally I would terminate the pregnancy as it's a complication too many but you seem pretty set on having the baby.

But I'd separate, rent on my own, share child contact with the oldest, and prioritise seeing the GP about my depression. Sounds like you didn't follow up treatment last time. I think part of your depression is being with a partner who isn't good for you. And not working for 2.5 years won't have done your confidence any good.

My plan would be - separate, abort, rent, GP, job.
It'll be trickier pregnant but still do-able.

Your boyfriend sounds like an arse. But I do think that although contraception is a joint respinsibility, once a couple decides that they will use the pill, responsibility to take it properly falls with the one who takes it. I'd be pretty pissed off if I was having a child I didn't want because my partner didn't take the pill properly. It doesn't matter that it's not 100% effective anyway. That's not the point - OP should have taken it properly and didn't.

antimatter · 17/03/2016 18:09

Cabrinha do you think if OP was taking the pil properly and it failed her DP would act differently?

Cabrinha · 17/03/2016 18:19

No I don't, I think her boyfriend sounds like an arsehole - that's why I said I think she should separate.

I just disagree with people saying contraception is an equal responsibility. Once a woman agrees that contraception will be the pill, it is her responsibility to take it properly.

Like a PP, I'm not sure this pregnancy was accidental on a subconscious level.

I have a child a similar age to the OP's first - I don't want another. I would be seriously pissed off if I was stuck with another because my partner hadn't bothered to take the pill properly. If it was a true contraception fail, I'd still be gutted - but not pissed off with them.

elizalovelace · 17/03/2016 18:20

Please don't feel forced into a termination, however your dp might not want to be forced into parenthood again either, so be prepared to maybe having to be a single parent, which is no easy task! Lots more talking,and really listening to each other is needed here.

missbishi · 17/03/2016 18:26

I am difficult to live with and quite lazy. He has stayed with me and worked to provide for us so I guess I should think myself lucky.

he is more normal than me in terms of making conversation with her, having the energy to go and play cricket etc in the park

*Enough
*, is this what he tells you?

antimatter · 17/03/2016 18:35

as I said earlier chances of falling pregnant on pill is 1% so handing over responsibility to the person who is taking pill means you are agreeing with a chance of fathering a child and should also allow for any other eventualities

if he is 100% sure he doesn't want to have more kids he could have prevented it

now is too late so he has to live with consequences whether he likes it or not

starry0ne · 17/03/2016 18:51

I think reading your posts your partner tells you how shit you are and are believing it.

Don't have a termination if you don't want one..

Who has told you that you would lose your child you?

Do you parent your 10 year old? if so what makes you think you can't parent another one/

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 17/03/2016 18:53

Unless you told him you'd taken the pill incorrect and gave him chance to decide if he was willing to take a risk, abstain or use other protection I can see why he feels cheated. You clearly wanted another child and knew he didn't. Your relationship may never recover if you weren't truthful about missing your pills.

LeaLeander · 17/03/2016 18:55

"live with the consequences" ugh, what an attitude. As if sex is something one should pay a punitive price for.

You know who will live with the consequences? The existing child and any result of this pregnancy. THEY through no fault of their own will be doomed to live with a begrudging, hostile and resentful father and apparently (by her own description) a sickly, low-energy and browbeaten mother. Quite the toxic stew. I don't think it's right to introduce more strife, stress, financial woes etc. into the life of the existing child, whom things seem precarious enough for as it is.

It's a shame but sometimes these things happen and not every pregnancy is meant to result in a future human being.

Look at it this way: Would anyone allow a child to be adopted into these circumstances?

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 19:18

Ah, did you feel ignored with your first nasty Lea?

OP posts:
antimatter · 17/03/2016 19:20

As if sex is something one should pay a punitive price for.

pregnancy for some feels like punishment but for others it isn't
pretending that it will never happen because we are 99% covered is childish

LeaLeander · 17/03/2016 19:33

If putting the welfare of the existing child ahead of what the parent(s) want is nasty, we all are doomed.

MorrisZapp · 17/03/2016 19:36

The OP wasn't 99% covered. She didn't take the contraception according to the instructions.