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Original poster

not to have a termination?

164 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 09:37

I am 9 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and DP is not happy about it. We have one DD who is 10. I do feel stupid for getting pregnant but can't bring myself to terminate. This is my DD's brother or sister and I never wanted her to be an only child.
I haven't worked for 2.5 years so he is worried about money especially as we are just about to buy our first house (2 bed :-( ). He's also saying no more holidays abroad etc.
I don't judge anyone who chooses to terminate but I really think it will damage my mental health to do so.
I told him if we get rid of it we're over cos I can't carry on after that.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/03/2016 14:39

What? Shock

Your DP has actually said that he doesn't trust you to bring up your daughter alone in case she "turns out like you"?

Have you ever seriously considered that you might be less depressed, anxious and more confident without him in your life? Sad

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 14:39

LifeIsChaos and BirthdayBetty I don't know if he is nice/decent/reasonable or not. We've been together so long its hard to know. He would describe me as cold, uncaring and abusive. As some PPs have said, he is more in touch with reality than me so I expect the main problem is with me. He says I'm overly negative but I told him that's because of him. He is so stressy and grumpy, he sucks all the fun and joy out of life and I find that I just dread things. However, I wasn't exactly 'happy' when we met so difficult to know how much he is to blame.

He keeps saying all I do is create problems. This baby is a problem.

And that I should've "sorted things out" before. If I was less than 9 weeks pregnant the termination would have been a different procedure but just as upsetting for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 14:40

Considered it Santas yes, but no idea if I would actually be happier.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 17/03/2016 14:47

He sounds a real charmer.

He won't ever leave as he can't trust me to bring up our daughter properly (ie. so she doesn't turn out like me

But he lives with you, so you can't be all that bad if he is prepared to share his life with you and not leave for pastures new. Or does he enjoy guilt tripping you. I wonder if your depression and not working is because he has eaten away at your confidence with his nasty remarks. Maybe he won't leave because he knows no one else will put up with his crap.

BirthdayBetty · 17/03/2016 14:50

Why does he say you're abussive? What do you say/do that is abussive?
From what you're posting it seem to me to be the other way around.

antimatter · 17/03/2016 14:53

You are buying house together. I hope you are going to be on the deeds becaus your "DP" doesn'r sound he is a nice person at all.

curren · 17/03/2016 14:59

Curren I have usually told him when I've missed a pill or two but I think we both got a bit complacent about it.
There may be some truth as to subconsciously wanting to get pregnant though. He would never agree to it as he's always said I'm not committed enough. I think being depressed makes me seem very uncaring and cold. But I don't feel very loved by him either.

So he believes you missed the pill on purpose and you are saying there is some truth to that?

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 15:06

I didn't miss it on purpose but he is angry that I was careless and didn't make it clear that we should have used extra precautions/MAP.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 15:08

I am supposed to be paying a 10% deposit today from my inheritance but it feels like the wrong thing to do even though it was my idea to buy a house.

If we don't buy the house he said we are not renting anymore and that we will break up. If I wasn't pregnant that would be an easy decision.

I do have a termination booked so maybe I will do it.

OP posts:
MinniedeMinx · 17/03/2016 15:14

Whatever choice you make about the termination, he doesnt act like someone who loves or respects you. Its not an equal partnership.

So stay with him or leave.
If you leave you could be single, or you could meet someone else.
Being single is better than being with someone who is cold and nasty as he sounds.

If you stay you two could split anyway.
Or you could stay together and stay unhappy.

I sincerely hope you find the path that makes you happy.

OohMavis · 17/03/2016 15:15

If we don't buy the house he said we are not renting anymore and that we will break up

He likes attempting to force you to do things, doesn't he?

curren · 17/03/2016 15:16

Op don't do anything you don't want to do.

Regardless of the pregnancy this relationship is not good.

You say he won't leave and then he says he will if you dorm pay the deposit. Is he putting anything in?

Look o have cared for someone with anxiety and depression. It didn't bring out the best in me at times. Being the sole earner is hard, living under a cloud is hard, wanting to help but not being able to is hard.

But I have also been the person with depression. Which is just as hard.

It could be that you are both stuck in an awful place due to circumstances and are going round and round in a circle. Or he could be abusive (it's starting to sound like that) or your health problems could be too much for you both to handle.

But the relationship isn't good. Do you think it will survive either choice?

Hygge · 17/03/2016 15:17

It is absolutely your choice and you shouldn't feel forced either way.

I am very much pro-choice, and this is your choice. Discussing your options with a supportive partner, even if you disagree, is one thing. Being made to feel like you have to do as he wishes is another.

If you have any doubts whatsoever about having a termination, don't have one. Talk to someone else, anyone else, about what you want and how you feel. But don't let him push you into anything, one way or the other.

Nine weeks is not too late either. Many people don't even know they are pregnant at nine weeks, so don't let someone else's opinion on that affect you either.

Your relationship doesn't sound good though. He sounds like a bully and an emotional abuser. Talk to someone about that too.

Can you speak to your doctor about the way your partner is treating you? They should be able to signpost you to someone who can help.

But don't do anything you don't want to do. You have time to think. It's okay to use that time to work out what you want and how you can achieve it.

curren · 17/03/2016 15:18

Do you both often issue ultimatums to each other?

There seems to be a lot of 'we are over if xyz' going on.

LionsLedge · 17/03/2016 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/03/2016 15:40

Who booked the termination?

witsender · 17/03/2016 15:49

Do you know what I would do? I would pull out of the house, keep my money and baby. I suspect given space from someone who sounds pretty awful and a little time you may find you miraculously feel better...

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 15:53

I booked the termination. It was meant to be this weekend but I've postponed it until the next weekend so I can see how things are in a week's time.

I think we're as bad as each other. Like you say Curren I think we're just going around in circles in difficult circumstances.

Re the house: it was my idea to buy as we have been renting for 10 years and I have a substantial inheritance as a deposit. The contract will state that the money came from me and that if the house is sold then I get my share back. I sort of think that buying is a good idea regardless of whether we stay together. Its an investment so he's not spending over a third of his salary on rent. Its in the interests of our daughter for us to own a property I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 15:55

Witsender and live where? My money will soon run out and then what?

OP posts:
LifeIsChaos · 17/03/2016 15:56

I would pull out of the house too. Don't rush into a termination either.

I would want some space, time away from the relationship to think and perhaps speak to gp who can put you in touch with the right people to help you decide what you want to do.

witsender · 17/03/2016 15:58

Rent for a while while you apply for various benefits etc. Look for work. Do you have any family support?

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 17/03/2016 16:02

Do not abort! If you are feeling like this now, your life afterwards will be hell if you abort.

21 years on I am still regretting as hell having my only abortion. I also didn't want to do it but thought pressed by circumstances. I could't have been farther from the truth. I would have been richer with one more child now. So sorry!

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 16:06

I don't think I'd be entitled to benefits as I have too much in savings. I think my child/children will be better off with their dad around. On my own, I'd probably be at high risk of losing them.

Family support isn't great, my parents are 70+.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 17/03/2016 16:08

Sorry to hear that Dirty. I won't terminate whatever happens. I am just going to have to get help to sort out my depression and also try and have a better support network... somehow.

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 17/03/2016 16:12

You dp is giving off so many red flags from what you say in your posts, he comes across as emotionally controlling, abusive and extremely manipulative.
Please don't rush into anything, takes some deep breaths, work out how things can be tweaked to work either way.
You don't sound set on a termination, So my worry is you will never get over this if he pushes you into it. It absolutely should be your ultimate decision, you have to live with what you decide. Xx