To think this is really rude? [Xmas card-related]

[BatteryHenPecked]

Me and DH have been together 10 years, married just over 2 years.

DH's aunty every year sends us a card addressed thus;

Steven and wife

We laugh about what a twat she is but seriously, this is really rude, right? I have multiple issues with various members of DH's family seeing me as not a 'proper' family member and this is just totally indicative.

We don't send her a Christmas card and we obviously don't expect one.

I just don't get (a) why you'd send a card to someone whose name you don't know and (b) why the fuck you wouldn't just ask PILs what my name is.

What a bitch. If she wanted to find out your name (assuming she didn't know, devil's advocate), she could.

We get some Mr and Mrs William Smith*. We share neither first nor last name.

*not William nor Smith of course

Why don't his family see you as a 'proper' family member?

It may 'just/ be thoughtless and cavalier rather than rude, but also may just be rude. I sympathise..... DH has 'friends' who only send a Christmas card to him and not to me or our son as well, even though we have been married 11 years. (That's about them being friends with his ex-wife though).

You're not being unreasonable. It's beyond ignorant and bad mannered to address someone by their name.

Sorry its beyond ignorant and bad mannered not to address someone by their name

Send her one to Steven's Aunt. Or even better Steven's elderly Aunt

That IS rude. Mind you, I get twitchy whenever we get letters addressed to 'Mr & Mrs AwfulCunt', using only DH's name.

Although I don't doubt that some people really do refer to us as 'Mr & Mrs Awful Cunt'

Whether they see you as a proper family member or not. That still doesn't excuse rudness. There's people I don't like but I'd never be rude to the them.

Cheesy Because...
I didn't change my name when we got married,
we moved hundreds of miles away for my job because I have a more successful career and earn more,
I don't refer to DH as my husband but my 'partner' because that's how I see us
I don't put any value in the fact I'm married- it was purely administrative
I won't be leaving work when I have a child

Basically I'm a not-particularly-radical feminist but, to them, I'm a crazy bra burner who's intent on destroying the wonderful 1950s patriarchal family structure that keeps our society together single handedly

Yes it's rude.

If she can't remember your name, why not put 'to you both' or put no names at all!

However, in an attempt to make you feel better. I am one of four, but the only girl. My parents always got cards from friends (and one family member, my dad's SIL who hated him) addressed to 'Bob & Sue' and The Boys.

The Boys!!! They all knew I fucking existed. Doesn't bother me now but it did when I felt like an insignificant, left out by my brothers little girl!

Glad others think it's rude also.

I've never met this woman by the way but she'll be at a family wedding next May

Max Aw, that's horrible. Bad enough as an adult but to do that to a child is really nasty

That is really rude . Would have been less rude to just not mention you at all!

Send her one to Steven's Aunt.

This! She can hardly complain.

I agree, OP, it is probably a message. My experience is the same: my generation in my family has one marriage with both partners having his surname, one with both having hers and several with each partner keeping their own. Most people get something so basic right, whatever their thoughts might be on the matter. Some people do it wrong persistently and always the same way around wrong.

There was a picture doing the rounds on FB a year or so ago. It was "To a Special Aunt" but the curly, ornate font somehow contrived to make the 'a' into a 'c'...

...Know any local printer or graphic designers??

Quiz I remember that!!

My dh's family don't include me on things deliberately exclude me because "Starky's not blood" which, as I tried to explain to his sister, that's a good thing! If I was a blood relative, we likely wouldn't have got married!

Although in fairness, most of Dh's family don't bother to remember my name and call me Samantha, or more recently Sammy, which bears no resemblance to my actual name. It doesn't bother me, but yes its rude.

How rude.

Although I get simmering rage every Christmas as DH's family refuse to acknowledge that I don't share his surname. So they either send to Mr & Mrs Hisname, or even worse, just Mr Hisname - although they do write my name in the card.

Discuss this every year on here. The best is my Swiss family who address the card to Family HisName MyName (our dd is double barrelled). I think that works perfectly.

We have been living together for over 15 years. We are not married. We still get letters addressed to Mr Smith + Conference. It makes us sound like an old style music hall act.

Conference I'd definitely come and see your music hall act

YANBU. On her birthday my DD got cards addressed with just her first name through the post. Apparently they "didn't know her last name". DD is adopted. Drives me batty 😠

Can I ask, is that what is written on the envelope (and then inside she only writes, love from aunty) or is that what is written inside the card.

I ask because I will sometimes write 'Fiona & family" on an envelope and 'Steven and wife' isn't too different from that.

How rude!

This year I have received cards to:

Contessa and DH
The Contessa-DHsurname family
Mrs Contessa DHsurname
Mr and Mrs DH surname
Mr and Mrs DHinitial DHsurname (I hate this one the most)

I did not change my name upon marriage and EVERYONE knows this.

The weirdest one was where my grandfather sent us a cheque (bless him) to the name of Contessa DHname. Bank refused it. We told him why and requested another. He sent us another one - the actual cheque was to me in my actual proper name but the envelope said Mr and Mrs DHname

Is it a particularly difficult concept? Am I missing something here?!

And if we're going to be particular about it then it's DRs Contessa and DH, bitches

Girls Oh god, how sad for your DD

Lizzie On the envelope it's Steven and wife. The card isn't posted, it's handed to MIL who then gives it to us when they come on their pre-Xmas visit. Then inside the card is Steven and wife from Sue

I think and family is different though because there's usually more than 1 person and writing lots of names on an envelope is silly.
Also 'family' is a lot more inclusive and recognises that you're a unit. To me, calling me 'Wife' rather than my actual name just feels like I'm an appendage just stuck to DH like some mad barnacle.