Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really rude? [Xmas card-related]

151 replies

BatteryHenPecked · 16/12/2015 13:40

Me and DH have been together 10 years, married just over 2 years.

DH's aunty every year sends us a card addressed thus;

Steven and wife

We laugh about what a twat she is but seriously, this is really rude, right? I have multiple issues with various members of DH's family seeing me as not a 'proper' family member and this is just totally indicative.

We don't send her a Christmas card and we obviously don't expect one.

I just don't get (a) why you'd send a card to someone whose name you don't know and (b) why the fuck you wouldn't just ask PILs what my name is.

OP posts:
PeasOnEarth · 16/12/2015 18:40

I really bristle at Mr and Mrs hisfirstname surname. MIL does it but I'm too polite to point out I am not a chattel.

I am Dr P Earth at work and Mrs P His name in my personal life. Causes a fair bit of confusion, and that's fine - the everyday sexism isn't though.

hesterton · 16/12/2015 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imissmy0ldusername · 16/12/2015 19:01

I used to address cards to Mr & Mrs usernames relatives, until I was sharply told off by said relative that she'd not changed her name upon marriage. It's not a close relative, and it hadn't crossed my mind (I was in my teens at the time). Now I really struggle to work out what to put on cards. One of my other less close relatives addressed our card to us as "Username and bloke" this year - they probably couldn't get hold of DM when they were writing cards this year Grin

RaspberryOverload · 16/12/2015 19:02

longingforfun
I usually address people as Mr and Mrs male firstname/surname if they are married, Mr, Mrs or Ms firstnamesurname if they are single/widowed/divorced. If they are living together I either just address them by their first names or be each firstname/surname.

This is only acceptable if the person/people concerned haven't expressed a public preference on how they wish to be addressed.

Even Debrett's says you should address people how they wish to be called.

I've never changed my name, and have no plans to do so. To be addressed as Mrs HisName His Surname would be very offensive to me.

CheesyNachos · 16/12/2015 19:04

I hear you hesterton. Friends of DH when we told them we were getting married said Oh, we are away then. Don't bother sending us an invitation'.

So, we did not. More than a decade later I still hear from them (usually once or twice removed.... i.e. from mutual friends) how annoyed they were that Cheesy did not send them an invitation.

hesterton · 16/12/2015 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickleSarnie · 16/12/2015 19:40

When I'd just had my eldest, we got a new baby card addressed to "Fred* and partner"

They couldn't even bother their arse to find out the name of the person Whenham just given birth to said baby.

*not real name obvs

PickleSarnie · 16/12/2015 19:41

"who had" not "whenham "

longingforfun · 16/12/2015 21:02

We got 5 Christmas cards today. They were all addressed to Mr & Mrs husbands first name initial/husband's surname. Not bothered in the slightest.

Pyjamaramadrama · 16/12/2015 21:05

You must live in the 1950s Wink

NataliaOsipova · 16/12/2015 21:12

Take your point about it being polite to call people what they wish to be called - and I would always respect that.....BUT Mr & Mrs Hisname Hissurname is standard polite form, so it's not surprising that people use that as a default if you've never expressed a different preference.

DropYourSword · 16/12/2015 21:25

I receive cards to Mr & Mrs DropsDH first name / surname.

It really doesn't bother me either. It's a bit old fashioned but I couldn't find the energy to get myself whipped up into a frenzy about it.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/12/2015 21:57

My in-laws really piss my parents off by sending them a Christmas card without writing who it's to inside, they just sign the card.

Maybe you should do that...

Oysterbabe · 16/12/2015 22:00

A friend of mine has been with her husband 10 years and they have a child. Last year they got a webbing invitation from one of his close relatives addressed to her husband plus one. She was livid and they didn't go Grin

Oysterbabe · 16/12/2015 22:00

*wedding!

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2015 22:00

It was a bit old-fashioned when I got married, over 30 years ago! Only a couple of our older relatives used that form. I changed my surname, not my forename, on marriage. The standard format I've been encouraged to use by (mostly public sector) employers is Mr A & Mrs J Smith. Sounds reasonable in the light of this being the 21st century and all. Or even the second half of the 20th.

OwlinaTree · 16/12/2015 22:11

Just send her a card this year saying love from Bob and Jen or whatever. See if she changes what she writes next year. I feel you are being a bit sneery at someone just trying to send you a card. Does it really matter that much? We get all manner of names on front of envelops here, really doesn't matter as the envelop is not what goes on display is it?

OwlinaTree · 16/12/2015 22:13

The envelope bit was not sspecifically at you ov, lots of envelope moaners on here!

elQuintoConyo · 16/12/2015 22:24

People who address cards/letters to me as Mrs Javier Bardem have it sent back 'not known at this address'.

That isn't me (¡ojala! Grin), so they can piss off.

I'm Maria elQuintoConyo, thanks, and have been for 40 years.

nosleepat10 · 16/12/2015 22:25

Mr and Mrs DH first name DH surname from his parents, SIL and BIL though (married 5 years and they know i kept my own surname)? What's wrong with all of our first names or even 'DH surname family'. We do have a child you know Confused.
Seems painfully formal and not very friendly to me (as a non-English person) and ignoring their beloved grandchild completely (just with regard to this, not generally!) Is it just his family???

cdtaylornats · 16/12/2015 22:28

Really rude would be "and current wife"

Bogeyface · 16/12/2015 22:28

Is your name Tit?

LuluJakey1 · 16/12/2015 22:58

Our opposite neighbours send one to 'Number 37 from number 62' . Can not see the point at all. If you do not know someone's name after living opposite them for years, why would you send a christmas card- we never see them or speak to them and I would not recognise them.
Similarly why do people send cards to people they do not like or hardly know?

We send about 20 cards in total and donate money to a charity instead of buying more.

We do the same with presents- buy PIL, SIL, BIL and grandma, Ds and each other- nothing extortionate just nice small treats- and donate £200 split between two local charities, one for children and the other one an animal rescue.

I hate the waste of Christmas.

ljny · 16/12/2015 23:02

'I will continue to address envelopes as Mr and Mrs malefirstname/surname unless my personal friends say they find it offensive. Most people wouldn't.'

'Most people wouldn't'??????????????????????????????????????\

Are you serious or is this a wind-up?

Do you know anyone who changed their given name on marriage?

And just out of curiosity, how do you address your envelopes to gay couples?

shiteforbrains · 16/12/2015 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.