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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is really rude? [Xmas card-related]

151 replies

BatteryHenPecked · 16/12/2015 13:40

Me and DH have been together 10 years, married just over 2 years.

DH's aunty every year sends us a card addressed thus;

Steven and wife

We laugh about what a twat she is but seriously, this is really rude, right? I have multiple issues with various members of DH's family seeing me as not a 'proper' family member and this is just totally indicative.

We don't send her a Christmas card and we obviously don't expect one.

I just don't get (a) why you'd send a card to someone whose name you don't know and (b) why the fuck you wouldn't just ask PILs what my name is.

OP posts:
Showgirl109 · 16/12/2015 15:20

I have had a similar situation,my DH uncle (who I have met many many times) returned our wedding invitation addressed to my husband and partner. Made him sound like an estate agent! They did the same for a wedding card and a birthday card (our birthday is the same day) I would rather receive nothing. They clearly know what my name is (written on the bloody invitation that they sent back) and choose to write "and partner" in my more generous moments I think that maybe they think that this is a formal way to address a letter. But mostly I think it's very very rude. I no longer send them anything....

Seryph · 16/12/2015 15:40

Is his aunt older? My great aunt forgot mine and DM's names some seven years before her dementia became a real problem, we were Simon's wife/Simon's daughter* for all that time despite DM and DF having been married for nearly 40 years and seeing her regularly throughout!

*Not actually Simon.

ClaraLane · 16/12/2015 15:47

Before we lived together I would always get Christmas and birthday cards from DP's Nan saying "to Clara, Merry Christmas, love Andrew's Nan" which used to make me chuckle. Now we get a joint card that just says Nan and it's not as funny Grin

nokidshere · 16/12/2015 15:57

I can't get all get up about this stuff to be honest. If you get a card in the post that you don't want to take ownership of just have it redirected back to the sender with a 'not known at this address' message.

If you are handed one just hand it back and say you don't know the person it's for.

Simple

JessTitchener · 16/12/2015 15:58

One of DH's aunts hates me (related to our wedding) and used to send cards addressed to 'DH and DD's 1 2 and 3', no mention of me. DH pulled her up on it so now she includes me but mangles the spelling. It's become a running joke every Christmas when we open the card and discover how she's decided to spell my name!

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 16/12/2015 16:01

Must be tempting to send a card to Steven's mother/father's sister(or sil)

It's so dismissive.

My problem is how to sign one card send jointly to DC and their partner.
Signing mum and dad doesn't seem to hit the spot really so I end up writing To DC love mum and dad and To DP love from ENTx and ENTy as it were.
Does that seem odd?

longingforfun · 16/12/2015 16:10

Addressing cards is a minefield and people take offense where probably non is intended. I agree with the person upthread who has to put up with people thinking she isn't a real doctor because she has a PhD as I have had the same response. I just put it down to ignorance. Other friends forget to address me as Dr as they know me as wife of .....I really don't mind. Of the dozens of cards we received this year only one person addressed me as Dr. I remark on it as it's so unusual, not because I take offence.

I usually address people as Mr and Mrs male firstname/surname if they are married, Mr, Mrs or Ms firstnamesurname if they are single/widowed/divorced. If they are living together I either just address them by their first names or be each firstname/surname.

I probably offend some people but i'm doing my best.

BalloonSlayer · 16/12/2015 16:17

I had a wedding card from a guest addressed to "Balloonslayer and husband."

To be fair this was someone I had known in the past, hadn't seen for ages and who was coming as the plus 1 of a single mutual friend who didn't know who else to bring.

But how hard would it have been to have not stuck down the envelope and asked mutual friend "What's Balloon's husband called?" and quickly put the name in on the day?

MirandaGoshawk · 16/12/2015 16:38

YANBU OP. '... and wife' is horrible.

And longingforfun, please don't address cards to Mr and Mrs male firstname/surname. Wives have their own first names, they don't take his! Only Lady Campbell and Princess Pushy types use their DH's first name. Why not just Mr & Mrs Smith (or whatever)?

LemonySmithit · 16/12/2015 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/12/2015 16:43

Oh, I don't need people to call me Dr - I am happy with Ms. It just winds me up when people call me Mrs, though. It's not a title I use (quite deliberately) and so I don't want to be called it! Why on earth does my personal salutation have to include an indication of my marital status? Hmm?

Original poster
BatteryHenPecked · 16/12/2015 16:46

Sorry, been working this afternoon.

Said rude bastard aunty is in her mid-50s.

And agree Long please please don't send cards addressed Mr and Mrs HusbandFirstName HusbandSurname. TBH I find this even more offensive than just 'wife'.

OP posts:
longingforfun · 16/12/2015 16:56

Sorry Miranda and Battery but I will continue to address envelopes as Mr and Mrs malefirstname/surname unless my personal friends say they find it offensive. Most people wouldn't. it is not just for Ladies and Princesses.

Hihohoho1 · 16/12/2015 17:05

I would return the card unopened to be honest. If you know it's from her don't bother to open post it back through her door or rip it up and send it back by post.

CantSee4Looking · 16/12/2015 17:06

most people wouldn't Actually most people would be are too polite to complain openly.

Ds has his dad's surname not mine. It is a minefield and I have had to tell medical and official people that Mrs ds' dad's surname does not live at this address, and follow it up with are you looking for ds' mum.

Also had no end of issues with people getting ds' surname wrong, which is only less frustrating as there is no legal and Data protection issues usually in this case.

Hihohoho1 · 16/12/2015 17:07

Agree detest use of husbands first name. Bloody stupid in this day and age.

longingforfun · 16/12/2015 17:11

Bloody stupid what people get upset about.

CantSee4Looking · 16/12/2015 17:14

Sorry that you think it is stupid that i find it offensive if people can't get my name right. I find it stupid that people don't see why people would get upset to be called the wrong name.

longingforfun · 16/12/2015 17:18

OK Cantsee lets agree to disagree

TesticleOfObjectivity · 16/12/2015 17:36

I get lots of cards addressed to Mrs Dp's Name, mainly from dp's family. The same people address cards to dd as Dd Dp'sSurname. Dp and I are not married and Dd is dd Myname-Hisname, as his family know full well because they made a massive deal out of it when she was born. It doesn't bother me so much when his elderly relatives do it as I realise it is fairly modern, but it does annoy me when sils, bils and pils do it.

Pyjamaramadrama · 16/12/2015 17:50

It is fucking ridiculous to address someone as Mr and Mrs Hisname/Surname.

It's started happening here since I got married, I haven't even changed my name. I don't get offended but I do shake my head in disbelief. It's so rude.

Op yes the aunt is rude.

Pyjamaramadrama · 16/12/2015 17:52

Most people would be too polite to say, I am too polite to say, I'd rather not be referred to by my husbands first name.

Surname I can understand, people assume.

GreatFuckability · 16/12/2015 18:01

My dad has been married to his wife for 34 years, his MIL still addresses every card to me as 'from Anna (Gail's mam)' as if I don't know who she is. Bless her soul.

SoupDragon · 16/12/2015 18:22

I will continue to address envelopes as Mr and Mrs malefirstname/surname unless my personal friends say they find it offensive. Most people wouldn't.

Actually. I suspect that most people would.

d270r0 · 16/12/2015 18:25

Shes probably really embarassed that she doesn't know your name and feels she can't ask anyone now. Send her a christmas card signed from you both so she can learn your name