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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is really rude? [Xmas card-related]

151 replies

BatteryHenPecked · 16/12/2015 13:40

Me and DH have been together 10 years, married just over 2 years.

DH's aunty every year sends us a card addressed thus;

Steven and wife

We laugh about what a twat she is but seriously, this is really rude, right? I have multiple issues with various members of DH's family seeing me as not a 'proper' family member and this is just totally indicative.

We don't send her a Christmas card and we obviously don't expect one.

I just don't get (a) why you'd send a card to someone whose name you don't know and (b) why the fuck you wouldn't just ask PILs what my name is.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 16/12/2015 23:13

I had one today written to my husband, his ex wife and my stepson. They've been divorced 12 yrs and came to our wedding 8 yrs ago! Think it was just an accident as they've always sent them to me normally. It made us laugh.

slicedfinger · 16/12/2015 23:15

If you can't be bothered to send her a card with your name inside it, you are way more rude than her.

DontCallMeBaby · 16/12/2015 23:21

I'm amazed anyone under the age of about 80 uses Mr & Mrs Hisname Surname. My parents are nearly 70, these people were teenagers in the 60s, not the Victorian era ...

Mr & Mrs Surname is okay - I do have DH's surname, although I'm not Mrs. I can live with that. I don't think anyone we know uses his initial let alone first name. I do rather prefer just names without titles as I think Mr & Ms looks slightly odd.

I address cards as Name and Name Surname, or initials if names are long or cards are small, the person I knew first comes first in the order. Name Surname and Name Surname if surnames are different. On the inside, same order for a couple, plus birth order for kids - I've just had to check birth order for my cousin's kids as I can never remember who's #3 and who's #4!

Changedthenamehasbeen · 16/12/2015 23:21

DH was once sent a card from his old boss saying 'Dear DH, congratulations on your remarriage. All the best, boss.'

It was on the occasion of our wedding Confused admittedly it was DH's second wedding, but still. He did say his boss had always been a bit socially inept!!

Katarzyna79 · 16/12/2015 23:28

yes its like you don't exist as a human, its not personal, but is she being bitchy or is it a cultural thing?

In my culture they call you bo=bride and after the marriage day they continue to refer to you as bo=bride till you die, but apparently its interchangeable means wife too. I jjust think sod that culture i have a name and its for using. I only ever hear my husband call me by my name and we get raised eyebrows if there are visitors because its not the done thing. He;s meant to call me after my childs name so for example" sebastians mum can you come here please we have guests" I'm meant to refer to him as sebastians father lol. It's actually more frowned upon me calling my husband by his name but i do. his mother used to question it first and his sister he told me to ignore them, and since i had his support i did, now they don't frown anymore. Ive heard other relations of my family trying to call their husbands in front of guests without using their wifes name its really laughable, up the stairs theyd call "hello did you hear me such and such is here", so the wifes name is hello now lol I'm all for cultural practises but that is just backward i wont do it, it still goes on.

CheesyNachos · 16/12/2015 23:35

Changedthename when we got married, DH's parents said to him they had already spent perfectly good money on a gift the first time around for him so would get us nothing. Grin

(It was fine actually.... quite funny and something we laugh about together the four of us... we get on great!)

IssyStark · 16/12/2015 23:53

OP the simple thing to do would be to send her a card in return. 1) it's rude of you not to 2) not everyone is good with names, especially of people they've never met 3) after10 years she might be a bit embarrassed to ask your mil what your name is again.

Cressandra · 17/12/2015 00:05

I'm sure she thinks you are more rude for not sending reciprocating cards. Even just one would fill in the gap for her.

You are of course perfectly entitled not to do cards. But people in glass houses...

longingforfun · 17/12/2015 00:31

Lngy and some others - when I said 'people I know wouldn't' I was referring to the people I send cards to. Of course it's not a wind up; my social circle is clearly different to yours. There is nothing wrong in changing your name on marriage if you want to.

I am astonished at the nasty, sneering, small minded remarks aimed at me on this thread for no reason other than you don't like how I address someone on the front of an envelope. Live and let live.

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 07:17

Longing it's because it's sexist, all of these casual little acts of sexism are still deeply ingrained.

sandgrown · 17/12/2015 07:25

Does it really matter?? We get cards with all sorts of permutations of our names but it does not bother me. More important things to worry about. However I do feel sorry for PP who was referred to as a boy!

Pavonia · 17/12/2015 07:53

I have been separated from my exDP for two years, we were never married and I never took his name. I accept that sometimes people referred to us as "exDP surname" family as a convenient shorthand.

This Christmas I got a card from exDP's sister addressed to Mrs myintial exDPsurname. IT WAS NEVER MY NAME AND WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED TWO YEARS! I was with her brother for 20 years and am on fairly good terms with her, how can she think that is the correct way to address me?

Russellgroupserf · 17/12/2015 08:03

FIL made a point of giving me a cheque for my birthday, how nice and unexpected but he insisted on wiriting Mrs he knows full well that I have not changed my name. I just tore it up.

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/12/2015 08:24

As an aside, katarzyna, in my father's culture people are also referred to as parents of their sons; i.e. the mother of Sam is Umm Sam and the father is Abu Sam.

I never saw any real problem with this until my father (who has 2 daughters) was asked by a male acquaintance what his son's name was. Dad said he had no son. The acquaintance said 'Well what was your dad's name? You'd have named a son after him, so I can use that name' and called my dad Abu John (e.g) for the rest of the visit.

The sad part is that I did have a younger brother but he died Sad poor dad.

Just use people's actual names, dammit.

tatt · 17/12/2015 08:59

I'm surprised that no-one has commented that it is rude not to send the aunt a card when she tries to remember you at Christmas. Yes it's rude not to use your name but it's also rude not to send her a card. She is at least showing some interest in you, you have shown no interest in her.

Perhaps if you had ever made contact with her she would remember your name.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 17/12/2015 09:09

Lots of people have commented that the op should send a card. I don't think she should, her dh should.

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/12/2015 09:13

Why the hell should the op take responsibility for sending cards to her husband's family? Do people get up in arms about husbands not taking ownership of sending cards to their wife's family, in the event that the wife can't be arsed? No? Thought not.

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 09:21

Mil tries this with me. Can I rsvp to the invitation that I haven't seen for the person I haven't met, dh doesn't have time as he's at work apparently.

LittleCandle · 17/12/2015 09:26

XH's aunt used to call me by a completely different name to my own. It started and finished with the same letters, but apart from that, bore no resemblance. Her reasoning was that she had never met anyone with that name, so it didn't really exist. It was even more annoying that she was able to call my DM by her name - and we shared the same name! Miserable old bitch that she was! There is absolutely no call for such rudeness.

TendonQueen · 17/12/2015 10:02

I also thought it was at least as rude on the OP and her husband's part not to send a card back. Bit much to moan about how your card's addressed when you don't even bother to do one.

TendonQueen · 17/12/2015 10:03

The 'you' there is plural, meaning both OP and her husband.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 17/12/2015 10:24

longingforfun - ljny asked if you knew anyone who had changed their given (i.e. first) name on marriage.

Last time I recall seeing letters addressed to 'Mr and Mrs John Smith', was the bank writing to my parents in the 70's when I was tiny, and I remember querying mum about it then. "Why have they called you John Smith? John's a boy's name!"

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 17/12/2015 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 17/12/2015 10:57

longing I get you, let's ignore all the others Wink I can't believe people only on MN though really get that arsed about all this!

I address envelopes like you for some family members. Some of my male cousins all have the same surname so of course the envelopes are address to Mr & Mrs 'male cousin's initial' 'surname' - what else would I put? Confused

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 11:06

You could put Mr J and Mrs C Smith, or John and Cathy Smith.

If I am Ms Katherine Jones, why on earth would I want mail addressed to Mr and Mrs Fred Smith, Mrs Fred Smith doesn't live here.

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