To think this is really rude? [Xmas card-related]

[BatteryHenPecked]

Me and DH have been together 10 years, married just over 2 years.

DH's aunty every year sends us a card addressed thus;

Steven and wife

We laugh about what a twat she is but seriously, this is really rude, right? I have multiple issues with various members of DH's family seeing me as not a 'proper' family member and this is just totally indicative.

We don't send her a Christmas card and we obviously don't expect one.

I just don't get (a) why you'd send a card to someone whose name you don't know and (b) why the fuck you wouldn't just ask PILs what my name is.

We had cheques written to Mr and Mrs Fred Smith, we couldn't cash them seen as Mrs Fred Smith doesn't exist.

Even if you can't be bothered to find out someone's correct surname it would be polite to acknowledge their first name.

Serious question to those who address cards to Mr and Mrs John Smith. What would you do for a married gay or lesbian couple? Whose initial would you use?

Sorry first name not initial..or initial if that's what you usually do.

Wow, this thread is really full!!

For those saying I'm rude not responding by sending her a card. Okay;
(a) It's DH's aunt, not mine so not my responsibility. DH doesn't do card so fine.
(b) We don't send cards to anyone apart from parents and siblings; never have and never will so we won't make an exception for her.
(c) She sends us a card only because PILs spend a fortune on her children's presents so it's a return for that I guess.
(d) Above all, why the fuck would I send a card, out of 'politeness', to a woman who doesn't know y fucking name?!

Some of my male cousins all have the same surname so of course the envelopes are address to Mr & Mrs 'male cousin's initial' 'surname' - what else would I put? confused

Do these married cousins all live together then? Im not seeing a problem otherwise.

《sigh》I'm sure I've offended many people inadvertently. I get that it bugs some people and if they tell me that, I'll use the titles they request.

But I'm surprised that so many people are so restricted in their sense of identity. I changed my name when we married. It's an additional layer. I haven't lost who I was before. Now I also respond to "DD's mum" or DS' mum too. Additional layers. With friends of my parents, I'm still foremost their daughter. There's a richness. So letters can be addressed in many ways. I'll be glad to own each and all of those identities and hold them simultaneously.

Serious question to those who address cards to Mr and Mrs John Smith. What would you do for a married gay or lesbian couple? Whose initial would you use?

I don't have any married gay friends but I guess it might depend what they did with their names? Is it customary for one partner to take the other's name or do they keep their own surnames? Or do double-barrels?

I don't like Mr & Mrs S Smith thing (when S is the man's name), it's sexist, I know it is. But I do it because writing cards is a chore, I am lazy, and it's just easier to write Mr & Mrs J Smith that it is to write Mr J and Mrs S Smith. Actually now I've typed that, it really isn't. Some of the time I write John and Sarah Jones.

One of my cousin's wives took on a double-barrel when they got married. If he had too, I could write Mr and Mrs M Jones-Smith, but he didn't double-barrel his surname, and I am really too lazy to write Mr M Smith and Mrs N Jones-Smith. So I do just write Mr & Mrs M Smith. It might well annoy her. Writing out the whole names wouldn't help in that case (and the real surnames are both quite long).

If I don't know someone's kids names I do sometimes say "to John, Sarah and family" and in one case I wrote to "John, Sarah and the girls" as they have three daughters and I could only remember two names and thought that was better than saying John, Sarah, Louise, Elizabeth and the other one!

I am lazy, and it's just easier to write Mr & Mrs J Smith that it is to write Mr J and Mrs S Smith

Even easier to just write Mr & Mrs Smith :)

It's not the same. I will respond to 'parent of little pyjama', because I am.

I have never and never will be Fred Smith.

I didn't change my surname and I certainly didn't change my first name

I'd just chuck her card in the bin :)

Another username in your case I'd just write to 'the Smith-Jones family', that's what they are.

itsatigger But it's not about identity, it's about name. Of course, I have multiple identities but I only have one name and I don't think it's too much to ask to be referred to by my name.

As PP said, I will never respond to Mrs Steven Pecked (i.e. Mrs DH's first and surname) because that name bears absolutely no resemblance to my actual name whatsoever. I would think people who refer to me as this are basically twats.

imanintrovert but its a really nice card

That is obviously your prerogative. Mine is to have formed an opinion that your aunt might not be the only rude person in your family.

I think name and identity are quite linked together because they are part of my self perception.

Yes, its rude. You aren't a person, you are a wife.

I also don't get this thing for sending cards which aren't addressed to you but just signed with the person's name. Lazy!

In that case it will be fine to address your cousins card to Mr Katherine Jones, rather than Mr Fred Smith. I bet no one would though.

My name and my identity are strongly linked. I will only reluctantly answer to the descriptor 'DH's wife', because I don't particularly like being defined as a wife. I only got married so that my conservative parents wouldn't cause a fuss about us living together and raising children together!

Having said that, MN has taught me that being married offers genuine financial protection if my partner turns out to be a shitty unfaithful scumbag. So, there you go.

I'll say it again. If you only send cards to close family, don't think you can get shirty about any card that is or isn't sent to you by anyone else. And if your DH got off his arse and sent her a card signed from both of you, she'd know your fucking name, wouldn't she? Plus how do you know for sure why she sends a card, as opposed to assuming it's all about expensive presents?

You can justify it however you like OP. Of course it's your choice not to reciprocate, much as it's her choice not to research your first name. But your choice not to reciprocate makes you more rude than her sending a card with incomplete details.

Presumably you are well used to receiving and not reciprocating, and you've lost sight of how that might be perceived. Or have you never received cards from anyone besides your siblings and parents and this one aunt?

Tendon DH doesn't send cards to any of his family (bar siblings and parents), it's not about getting off his arse. Moreover, he's also offended at the way his aunt refers to me, why the fuck would be send a card to someone he believes is a rude cunt? Just so she can learn my name. Ridiculous.
It's MIL who has assumed that the card comes to us to reciprocate for PILs spending tonnes on her children.

Cressandra I don't see that it's rude not to send a card back to someone who refers to me as an appendage of my DH. If I was walking down the street and someone said 'Oi, Steven's wife' I wouldn't respond, I'd keep walking because it's not my fucking name. Would that be rude?
We receive cards from siblings, parents and a couple of aunts/uncles/cousins but not many because people know we don't send cards. All those that do send cards manage to be terribly clever people and actually write my name on them. Not sure why this aunt can't do that.

it is not rude of OP not to send a card. The aunt sends cards to Steven, after all.

You don't send her a card at all so why are you complaining?
Its an Aunt, why are you making her important by caring about this?

Absolutely it should be DH's job.