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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For thinking taking photos at a funeral is weird

153 replies

Singsongsungagain · 26/11/2015 21:13

Seriously. Today on my FB page two seperate individuals have been to a funeral. I know this because both have posted posed photos of themselves dressed in black at cemeteries. There's an "arty" photo of a single flower on someone's knee. Last year, an acquaintance of mine sadly suffered the death of her young child. A horrific experience I have no doubt. Why then post posed pictures of yourself/others standing near the coffin?!

I just find it in really poor taste. I'm fortunate enough to not have been to too many funerals in my life but have never dreamed of taking photos!

Am I unreasonable or is this strange?

OP posts:

thefourgp · 26/11/2015 21:17

Yanbu. It's strange.

CalleighDoodle · 26/11/2015 21:19

I was at a family funeral last week and there were photo from the wake on fb that evening. Of drinking. Odd.

Rivercam · 26/11/2015 21:19

I don't like photos at funerals either.

When my gran died, my mum took several photos of the flowers on the gravestone. I think they were taken after the funeral, not at the funeral. Even so, I wasn't keen.

BackforGood · 26/11/2015 21:21

I think it's strange, but I'm old, and didn't grow up in a time when people want to take photos every 2 minutes. I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes more common.

Jackie0 · 26/11/2015 21:22

I've only ever seen photographs of a grave with the flowers.
Anything else is highly inappropriate and attention seeking
Honestly I can't believe the depths people will sink to .

Helenluvsrob · 26/11/2015 21:22

I don't see a problem. I took loads of photos at mums wake certainly though not in the crem itself.

We were meeting to celebrate mums life, many of the people who were there were from parts of mums life I didn't know about and may never see again - but it was lovely to meet them and hear their rememiscences

celtictoast · 26/11/2015 21:24

YANBU

Original poster

Singsongsungagain · 26/11/2015 21:24

Maybe it is my age too BackForGood. It wouldn't even cross my mind to take photos, much less to post them on FB.

OP posts:

ConferencePear · 26/11/2015 21:26

I hate this. I went to a funeral in a busy French tourist village in the summer and we had to follow the coffin a short way through the town from the church to the cemetery and people took photos of the procession as we went by. It made me angry and also made me realise how easily we think of other people as 'local colour', but taking picture of yourself at a funeral just seems weird.

StitchingMoss · 26/11/2015 21:26

My best friend died in May. Some of her other friends and her "d"h took photos at the wake and posted them on FB - photos of him mucking about, grinning, etc.

It was vile and in incredibly bad taste. But then the man is a wanker of the highest order.

My friend who died years ago when she had two v young children had photos taken at her funeral. Her dh asked me to do it but I couldn't. He wanted them so he could talk to her children about the funeral when they were older.

AtSea1979 · 26/11/2015 21:27

YANBU very odd

Birdsgottafly · 26/11/2015 21:29

There's a few bereaved parents on here that have been glad they took photos and that photos were taken, because they went through the day in a haze and it didn't seem real.

My eldest DD (then 16) decided that she want to take pictures at my DHs funeral, which my younger children (6+8 at the time), are pleased that they have that captured.

We took pictures of my baby GD, touching my Mums funeral flowers, outside of the Crematorium.

I think it's only appropriate for close family members to do so.

nancy75 · 26/11/2015 21:32

I think some photos are ok, a young member of my family was killed earlier in the year, the funeral was massive ( as they tend to be for younger people) photos were taken of the flowers - this was something his mum wanted as it was a reminder for her of how many people cared about what had happened to him. Later on there were photos all over Facebook of people at the wake, photos of people having a laugh and a good time. I hope to god his mum never sees these photos as she would be devastated. What shocked me most was the fact that some of my older ( should know better) relatives were quite happy to use the funeral as a photo opportunity.

hibbleddible · 26/11/2015 21:36

I thought when I saw this title that Facebook would be mentioned.

Selfies at weddings are in incredibly poor taste.

I think it is symptomatic of this generation now.

Not everything has to go in social media.

Original poster

Singsongsungagain · 26/11/2015 21:36

I suppose partly I don't understand why you'd want a momento of a funeral- remember the life rather than the death.
If people find comfort in it then fair enough but I'm a bit baffled by what comfort is to be found in posing dressed in black then posting it on the Internet.

OP posts:

SuckingEggs · 26/11/2015 21:36

It's shitty taste to take pics like you would at a party. It depends on how and why it's done.

My friend's relative filmed her funeral 20 years ago. I thought it was really odd. Then realised it was for the benefit of a close relative who couldn't go.

Dexterjamesmummy · 26/11/2015 21:37

I took pictures before my little boys funeral last year (my boyfriend asked me too), I took photos of the flowers at the chapel of rest surrounding his little coffin. I also took pictures of the coffin in his horse drawn carriage.
I didn't post them on Facebook, I don't look at them but I know the are there if ever I want to. I sometimes see them by accident while scrolling through Dropbox and it's horrible.

vdbfamily · 26/11/2015 21:37

I think if the family want to do so then it is fine. My cousins 15 year old son died of leukemia and there were hundreds of people at his funeral including 2 coachloads of schoolfriends. She nominated a friend to take lots of photos as there was family there from all over the world and she wanted it to be a celebration of his life and to have memories of it later which were not all lost in a blur of grief. I don't think you can judge that or say it is not appropriate. However, I would think it slightly odd that non family members were just taking selfies and sharing them publicly.

imip · 26/11/2015 21:39

I have lots of photos of dd's funeral. She was stillborn, and photos are the memory of the short time we had her. I guess it was also to show my future dcs the funeral (she was my first).

I lost a brother when I was 3. I would be really interested to see photos of the funeral, at an appropriate time. However, he wasn't baptised before he was born, and so wasn't allowed a proper funeral (neo-natal death).

Long before I'd lost dd, my friend lost her first husband. At the time her son was 4yo. She recorded the funeral. I thought it was really strange and wondered why. She said it had been suggested by a counsellor so that her son could remember. I actually thought that was a pretty sensible thing to do.

2kidsintow · 26/11/2015 21:39

I took a (very, very discreet - super quick as we pulled up in the car to the crem - looked like I was just transferring my phone from my pocket to my bag at my side in 2 seconds flat) photo of my Dad's coffin in the hearse at his funeral last week.

I am aware of how some people would think it insensitive, but... I had sat through the service at church looking at his coffin and struggled to think that it would be a memory soon. I'm not looking at the photo anytime soon, but at some point in the future it might bring me comfort to be able to see it. It won't be shared with others or put on social media at any point ever.

Back in Victorian times, many, many memento mori photos were taken at funerals and of deceased people. They are fascinating. And they were a way of holding onto the image of someone who has passed away as a way of remembering them, not to be insensitive or disrespectful.

DH has photos of him and our DDs leaving flowers on his Dad's grave. He's buried several hours away and the children were small, so they don't remember the service and we can't visit easily.

That said: photos of merry making, while in keeping of celebrating someone's life at their wake, doesn't seem quite right.

PippaPug · 26/11/2015 21:42

My Mum asked me to take photos of her fathers (my Grandads) wicker coffin, she wanted to sit in the Crem before he came in

Both my Aunt and Mum are really grateful - it bought them a little more comfort in a difficult time.

We didn't take any photos at the wake though and taking selfies is just in such bad taste

MidnightAura · 26/11/2015 21:43

I think it's poor taste. Its almost as bad as people checking in on Facebook at a funeral and tagging the deceased person. Can't imagine being at a funeral and thinking "Must get some pictures" it's just weird!

LaurieFairyCake · 26/11/2015 21:46

The bottom line is that I don't think we should tell mourners how to mourn.

Those young people laughing and joking and taking photos at the wake of a peer, they're still mourning. And still celebrating life.

I would never take photos (I suspect because I'm older and don't bother with social media) but I wouldn't judge how other people do.

nancy75 · 26/11/2015 21:48

Laurie, even if seeing pictures like that causes more upset for the family of the person that has died?

MargaretCabbage · 26/11/2015 21:55

We took photos at my MIL's wake. My in-laws live at the other end of the country, and she was dying in hospital as my DS was born and she never got to meet him. Her funeral was the first time my in laws got to meet our son, and of course they wanted photos with him. It was an incredibly sad day and we were all heartbroken, but it was something else to do apart from just breaking down over and over again. I don't think it was disrespectful at all and I'm sure my MIL would not have been against photos of her children and grandchildren together.

Quite often a funeral is one of the only times some friends and families come together, so people may take pictures for that reason.

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