Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking taking photos at a funeral is weird

153 replies

Singsongsungagain · 26/11/2015 21:13

Seriously. Today on my FB page two seperate individuals have been to a funeral. I know this because both have posted posed photos of themselves dressed in black at cemeteries. There's an "arty" photo of a single flower on someone's knee. Last year, an acquaintance of mine sadly suffered the death of her young child. A horrific experience I have no doubt. Why then post posed pictures of yourself/others standing near the coffin?!

I just find it in really poor taste. I'm fortunate enough to not have been to too many funerals in my life but have never dreamed of taking photos!

Am I unreasonable or is this strange?

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 26/11/2015 22:18

When my BIL died, we took photos because there were people who couldn't make it to the funeral who wanted to see photos.

When a friend died far too young, all the mourners wore bright colours as she loved that. It was a heartbreaking celebration but so beautiful that everyone wanted photos.

I don't think it's for other people to dictate what is tasteful or wrong. Consideration to the family is important but it's often not straight forward. I have seen divisions in families between what one person wants versus another person. I've seen a mum arguing with the wife over what was right. I wish people would just respect every person's individual right to grieve in the way they want to - and that includes taking photos.

StitchingMoss · 26/11/2015 22:29

Laurie, it's the sharing on social media that's so vile. I have been left devastated by my bf's death - being faced with pics of her wanker of a husband pissing about on FB hours after the service just rubbed salt into an already very deep wound.

Take photos just don't bloody share them - it's attention seeking of the worst kind.

Ohbehave1 · 26/11/2015 22:50

I don't think that photos of the funeral/wake or sharing them on line is vile/morally wrong/disgusting in general. But there will always be times or people that are vile/morally wrong/ disgusting and they will be inappropriate with what they do.

Krampus · 26/11/2015 23:27

I will be burying someone soon and expect that people will take photos and put them on fb, it will be a celebration and a few photos will be of interest to many people that won't make the day.

Last year I went to a couple of funerals and the children did out photos of their parents funerals on fb, it was done as a tribute with old family friends all meeting up and remembering. It's like anything, it's not the photos and it's not fb, it's the attitude and the way it's done.

Original poster
Singsongsungagain · 27/11/2015 06:34

The photos I'm talking about today featured a couple who live together posing in their funeral attire and a photo of someone's knee with a flower on it sitting in the funeral car. There's no reunion involved in them and I can see no reason why you'd post them on Facebook.

OP posts:
Fourarmsv2 · 27/11/2015 06:44

We put lots of photos of DH's nan's funeral on FB. It was a celebration of her life and so the photos of her GC and GGC were a good representation of the dynasty she founded.

Bigpants4 · 27/11/2015 06:49

My friend lost her partner and it was her way if helping her DC remember and work through the event

RamblingRedRose · 27/11/2015 06:50

People just want to share and many do share important events through Facebook so I don't see it as a huge problem. Of course larking around, doing peace signs behind an open casket, that sort of thing is in very poor taste but if someone wants to take a tasteful shot of the flower displays or a photo of friends/family members who attended, I don't think it's awful. Many of us live very international lives so Facebook is a great way of just staying in touch and perhaps mourners just want some virtual hugs or sympathy.

KittyandTeal · 27/11/2015 07:00

I took a few photos of dd2s funeral. She was stillborn and so we have very few photos of her.

I think I did it because I wanted to document all of her time here. That doesn't even make sense but it's how I feel.

I took photos of her little coffin with the flowers on it and the flowers separately.

My pil tried to get us to pose together holding her coffin so they could take a photo for my bil (who hadn't even knowledges our loss) thinking back it's a miricle they're still alive after that!

ivykaty44 · 27/11/2015 07:09

When my mum died nearly twenty years ago, my dad wanted photos of the funeral. I don't see why it would seen as odd, people take photos at life events, new birns, weddings so why is it odd at funerals? My dad was around sixty at the time so not old but not young and going back to the 1960s I have photos of my aunts grave St her funeral which was piled high with flowers.

For some people grieving this is what they want, everyone is different but photos of funerals arent surely odd. We see them in the press so why is personnel photos different from that?

VulcanWoman · 27/11/2015 07:14

Yes, I think it's out of order, unfriended someone on FB for this very reason.

FindoGask · 27/11/2015 07:19

My father in law's funeral was two weeks ago and his wife was saying just the other day that she wishes she'd thought to have a book of remembrance or similar so she could know who was there - the church was packed out but she couldn't take in any faces and the rest of us only recognised the people we knew. I can see the need to record aspects of funerals especially for close family. I'm not sure she would have wanted any photos though but I can understand the impulse to take them.

Booyaka · 27/11/2015 07:19

If the immediate family want to take photos to help them grieve, it's up to them. I think there are some occasions where a tasteful arsty photograph (like a single rose) on Facebook might be acceptable, only if it's the absolute next of kin and it's their way of letting people know the funeral has happened either to stop enquiries or just because they feel the need to share something with people who can't be there.

But for mourners it's an absolute no no.

Defnotsupergirl · 27/11/2015 07:25

I'm a photographer and I've been employed to take funeral photos/video before. Wasn't sure about doing it before especially as it was the very sad funeral of a young accidental death.

The family and partner of the person that had died said in their meeting with me that they wanted the deceased's little girl to see how many friends and people who cared about him there was when she was old enough to understand.

I agreed to do it as they assured me all the funeral goers would know in what spirit the photos were intended. I'm glad I did- it was a beautiful service with the deceased's friends giving their sometimes funny eulogies. I avoided focusing on the coffin and people who were visibly crying. More focusing on the people celebrating his life as a funny and special young man. Afterwards the photos were set to the modern music chosen for his funeral by me as requested and I got a lovely thank you letter afterwards.

I now love the song "if I ever leave this world alive" by Flogging Molly.

I wouldn't have agreed that funeral photos were a good idea before but now I think it depends on who wants them and the spirit they are taken in.

ShatnersBassoon · 27/11/2015 07:27

A friend's teenaged daughter died earlier this year, and hundreds of photos were taken at the funeral. They had a professional photographer there, actually. The family wanted to record images for posterity, and they did share some on Facebook. If anyone found it macabre, the family really didn't care.

Defnotsupergirl · 27/11/2015 07:28

I mean they requested I did the DVD set to that music, I didn't request the music!

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/11/2015 07:29

I think people should be allowed to grieve in their own way and not be judged for it at such a difficult time.

Booyaka · 27/11/2015 07:35

Yes coffee, but what if 'grieving in your own way' impacts on how others grieve? Which is why I think it's only acceptable for the absolutely immediate family or on their say so. I'm talking the spouse if there is one and if not the children/parents.

If you don't have their explicit permission it's hugely insensitive. I don't want someone checking IN on FB at the funeral of my nearest and dearest like they're going for a cheeky Nandos.

MooiMeisje · 27/11/2015 07:42

My Mum died early this year, had an open casket, and a service in the house. A cousin turned up and told me another of our cousins who couldn't make it had requested a picture of Mum. In her casket. I said no! I just couldn't understand why she'd want a photo of my dead Mum, and knew my Mum would hate it.
I do however have pictures of her grave with all the flowers. I don't have a problem with that, mainly because I live abroad and can't get to see it very often.
Also I had a cousin let us know when Mum was added to the headstone and took some pics for us, which was fine.
I was more upset with a different cousin ( lots of cousins, massive family ) who announced Mum's death on FB before we'd had a chance to even take in she'd gone. He wasn't thinking straight, but it just wasn't right.

gabsdot45 · 27/11/2015 07:49

It's quite common in the US to take photos at funerals. A friend of mine lost her dad earlier this year and she posted some photos of the funeral on Facebook and I thought they were lovely. There were photos of the flowers, his grandchildren playing in the cemetery, lots of photos of the people who were there, ( not pose, just group shots). I think they make lovely memories of the day.
Ideally a funeral should be a celebration of the person's life and although it is a sad day there can also be beautiful parts that people might want to remember.
I draw the line at photographing the deceased though.

stolemyusername · 27/11/2015 07:54

I wish that there had been photos taken at my mums funeral, I couldn't go and wish that I had been able to witness it in some way. I don't know what flowers there were, what her casket looked like nothing and it's really hard.

shockthemonkey · 27/11/2015 07:54

The Victorians were big into post mortem photography as someone has said upthread. They propped up their recently departed in lifelike poses to then take family snaps just before the burial. Nobody smiles.

Some Mexicans celebrate Day of the Dead in very unusual ways, actually digging up their long-dead relatives, dressing them up and parading them around. These days, photos are involved in that practice too.

It's weird to me but it obviously works for some.

I 100% get the need to take pictures when there has been a stillbirth or neonatal death, and I thank god I have never had direct experience of such sadness.

Sallystyle · 27/11/2015 07:57

I have photos of my son's holding the flowers we got for their dad's funeral. They were in the colours of their favourite football team.

And yes, they went on FB.

Was it attention seeking? I don't think so. Some people couldn't get to the funeral, some people wanted to see the flowers, my children wanted a photo of them holding them. Football was so important to them and they loved the flowers, they wanted to share them with people because they thought it was a great way to honour their dad.

I try not to judge how people grieve too much. I think photos can be crass but it depends on how it's done.

SaucyJack · 27/11/2015 07:58

We took a couple of photos at my dad's funeral.

I don't get together with that side if the family much, and it was nice to get a pic of all the cousins and remaining uncles together.

Sod anyone who doesn't like it.

StUmbrageinSkelt · 27/11/2015 07:59

A friend took photos at our stillborn son's funeral and I am so grateful he did. I went through the funeral in a daze and had no idea who was there.