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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For thinking taking photos at a funeral is weird

153 replies

Singsongsungagain · 26/11/2015 21:13

Seriously. Today on my FB page two seperate individuals have been to a funeral. I know this because both have posted posed photos of themselves dressed in black at cemeteries. There's an "arty" photo of a single flower on someone's knee. Last year, an acquaintance of mine sadly suffered the death of her young child. A horrific experience I have no doubt. Why then post posed pictures of yourself/others standing near the coffin?!

I just find it in really poor taste. I'm fortunate enough to not have been to too many funerals in my life but have never dreamed of taking photos!

Am I unreasonable or is this strange?

OP posts:

Vagabond · 27/11/2015 15:58

I used to be the boss to several Indian employees in another country. When one of them had to go home for his father's funeral, we were all very sad for him etc..and he was gone for a month. When he returned, back in the good old days of real photos, he came to my office and presented me with a pack of photos to look at from him visit back to India. All of them were of his father laid out in his coffin with him commenting "madam, this is my good father". He was so earnest. Brought tears to my eyes but was also a good lesson in different cultures. I felt happy that he shared the photos with me, even though I thought it was odd.....

PageStillNotFound404 · 27/11/2015 16:12

I think people should be able to grieve however they want, but when it comes to sharing photos it wouldn't hurt to take a step back and think "am I doing this for other people who can't be here, or to get some likes and comments for me? Is this going to cause more pain than benefit? Is social media the most appropriate way to share or would I be better off emailing the specific people who want to see the photos?"

IwishIwasinNewYork · 27/11/2015 16:14

I can't stand FB and am not a sharer or a picture taker.

But I find absolutely nothing wrong in mourners taking pictures at funerals.

As others have pointed out, it could be to show relatives, to preserve in memory, to celebrate life...whatever their reasons are their reasons.

People can mourn how they bloody well want.

For people attending that are not mourning to post pictures I think is insensitive and personally, if it was the mourner, I'd be fuming/upset.

So sorry for those who have lost loved ones. to Kitty and It'snotaRehearsal.

VulcanWoman · 27/11/2015 17:16

Vagabond that's touching, seems different to Facebook though, I'm not sure what the heck it is with Facebook that makes it just feel crap.

green18 · 27/11/2015 17:30

It does sound odd. However until you are in that situation don't judge. At a funeral of a very close family member, photos were taken at the wake with family members who we hadn't seen for years. It just happened casually and naturally. We didn't post them on social media though.

thebestfurchinchilla · 27/11/2015 17:36

I worked with someone who had tragically lost her daughter at a very young age. She talked about her a lot and I could see the pain she was feeling, several years on. One day she brought photos of her smiling and happy, pre-illness and others of her shortly after she died in hospital. I was shocked but I could see that it helped her explain her awful grief and she wanted to tell this awful story so that it somehow kept her daughter alive in her memory. Grief is so personal. We mustn't judge how people deal with it.

nancy75 · 27/11/2015 17:44

Lots of the stories on this thread are about close family members making the choice, of course that is fine. The people I have the issue with are aunts or cousins that haven't seen the dead person for years and just see the funeral as a get together. I have seen quite a few of these and I really feel that posting them is usually about the likes and comments they will get, it's not because they are celebrating the person or even because they are particularly sad.

green18 · 27/11/2015 17:50

nancy Your post earlier about people having a good time is a bit insensitive. Funeral wakes come at the end of a very emotional, tiring and anxious time. People have a drink and all of those emotions are mixed up. Grief for the lost loved one, pleasure in seeing friends and family members showing their support and just sheer relief at getting through it. I smiled a lot at my DMs funeral for all of the above reasons. I also cried my heart out and still do most days. If someone caught a photo of me smiling and decided I was having a great time, I'd say that says more about them than me.

cathpip · 27/11/2015 18:02

A close friend of ours discreetly took photos of our dd's funeral, she photographed everything from the vicar, coffin, flowers to the wake, food and hearse. She gave us two copies on a cd a few weeks later and then deleted them off her camera, they have never and will never go on Facebook as it's not appropriate but we now have a record of that awful day as it was a complete blur which we can share with our other dc one of which was three weeks old at the time, if they want to in the future.

nancy75 · 27/11/2015 18:06

Green18, my post earlier was not insensitive, it was about a specific funeral of a member of my family that was murdered and the pictures that appeared on Facebook after that funeral. The pictures were disgusting, it wasn't smiles of relief it was people that didn't know the person that well and had not seen him since he was a child behaving in a disrespectful way. As I said if the mum of the person being buried ever sees the pictures she will be devastated.

Original poster

Singsongsungagain · 27/11/2015 18:11

Bless you Cathpip. To you and others I can't imagine your pain. I think it's the Facebook bit that shocks me really. I'm not sure what they are hoping to achieve- likes? Compliments on their outfits?

I have to say I don't think I've ever been to a funeral I want to remember, although I've known many people who I will never forget

OP posts:

DickDewy · 27/11/2015 18:14

A family member's baby died at 1 week old. One of the grandmothers took loads of photos at the funeral. It is unusual but I could understand the need to have memories as they had so little of the baby.

The only really uncomfortable bit was when she got a group of close family, all about to release balloons, to pose in a group. They all looked so uncomfortable - it was a very awkward moment.

SuckingEggs · 28/11/2015 00:03

Getting people to pose at a baby's funeral?!

Fucking hell.

SuckingEggs · 28/11/2015 00:05

Cathpip, to be clear, that was not aimed at you. I'm so sorry for your loss

DontStopBelievin · 28/11/2015 00:14

I'm a complete social media and Facebook addict, and I'm one of those annoying people who update with crap every 5 seconds and will even occasionally post pictures of what I'm having for my breakfast or lunch.
HOWEVER, I'm also mid thirties and completely mindful of a time when we all weren't completely obsessed with taking selfies, random pics of everything, and remember a life before it.
Some things just should be kept to the moment.
FB is ace, but you have to see it as a public platform. Just because YOU see it as somewhere appropriate to post pictures of coffins, wakes, etc, doesn't mean everyone else close to the deceased does too. In fact, some could easily get distressed seeing your casual grave side selfies etc.
It's just so unnecessary. Pay your respects, social media shouldn't come into it.
This coming from a FB and Twitter over-sharer.

DontStopBelievin · 28/11/2015 00:21

I can wrap my head around people wanting photos at a wake - sometimes it's the only time you get all of the family under one roof. I can kind of understand the deceased's nearest and dearest taking photos at/of the funeral. But sticking them on FB, even an arty farty rose on the knee, no doubt with instagram type filters on them and 'checked in' as if you've gone for a cheeky Nando's. That's just grim.

Exactly this.

weeonion · 28/11/2015 00:43

At my MIL funeral my SIL took lots of photos of herself and shared them on fb, twitter and her blog. She listrd the designers of her clothes and accessories with accompanying links to sites where each item could be bought. It suggested that what she wore was bang - on -trend as funeral attire.
I thought it was bizarre and crass.

V different from close relatives taking snaps to record the day.

DontStopBelievin · 28/11/2015 01:00

Ugh. I'm all for social media pimping myself out when it comes to my writing for newspapers and my blog and stuff, I do it enough myself - but even I'd draw a line there.
That just crosses a line. Maybe some just see it as a bit of a blurred line. They can't differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate as they're that used to documenting everything online.
You need to know when to stop and keep some things personal.

DeepBlueLake · 28/11/2015 01:36

We videoed my dad's funeral which was nearly 20 years ago, I am so grateful we did as I was only 13 and I can remember barely any of it as I was an emotional mess.

I couldn't watch it for many years but when I did, I am so glad as I was ready to watch it and actually see the goodbyes etc.

If my DSs want to watch it, they can.

Senpai · 28/11/2015 02:49

DH's family took a photo of his dead mother to frame in their house. They didn't mean any disrespect by it, but it was pretty weird.

Senpai · 28/11/2015 02:50

Oh and they hung it next to photos of her dead mother and father.

derxa · 28/11/2015 04:14

I've been to 4 funerals this year and not a single photo was taken at any of them. I think though that people can do whatever helps them. The minister at my father's funeral made a sound recording of the service and it was comforting to listen to it.

DrasticAction · 28/11/2015 09:23

Last year, an acquaintance of mine sadly suffered the death of her young child. A horrific experience I have no doubt. Why then post posed pictures of yourself/others standing near the coffin?!

This is not clear. Are you saying the mother who lost her dc posed by the coffin?

If you are saying this, and asking this question then I think your being spectacularly out of order.

I have photos of two funerals of people very close to me. You have no idea how anyone reacts to grief even if you yourself had lots every single member of your family, you would still not be in a position to critise someone else.

The two funerals I am thinking of were celebrations of the lost ones life,

Yes there were tears, there were moments when it was un bearable, but I tried to make the funeral a celebration because when the body is in the ground and gone, you have a lifetime of loss to bear, a lifetime of grieving.

For us it was a momento of the last time the person was above earth, A momento of a beautiful funeral, lovely flowers and touching words and support from family.

I dont even know why I am writing this I just wanted to let you know in some way, Your post is awful.

I cant believe, you have come on and criticized how someone who has lost their child has reacted at their funeral.

sickening really. One of the worst taste posts I have ever read on here,

DrasticAction · 28/11/2015 09:30

We were meeting to celebrate mums life, many of the people who were there were from parts of mums life I didn't know about and may never see again - but it was lovely to meet them and hear their rememiscences

^ wise words from someone who has buried someone close to them.

I felt the same people from someones life I would never ever see again, her BF from the days when she was single and out, a cousin who came from abroad and so on.I get comfort from occasionally seeing the photos and the love that was shown that day.

Op I have reported your post, I cant see how its helpful, to anyone who has lost someone close to them, or indeed a child.

Who know if MNHQ will do anything about this, I think its in incredibly poor taste, to critise how people grieve over the loss of a child.

I cant see how its helpful to anyone and you yourself are leering and sneering at other peoples grief.

This is not in the spirit of the site in my view.

I want to make it clear how I feel on this.

Purplepixiedust · 28/11/2015 09:30

I think photos at funerals is wierd. Maybe at the wake would be ok but I have never been to one where people took photos.

A family member took the cards from the flowers after her husbands funeral which felt wrong to me. They are to the person who has died.

I also find sending xmas cards to dead people odd. When you go to the crematorium at xmas there are loads of cards on wreaths now, much more than there used to be. How can they have a merry christmas when they are dead! Sorry went a bit off topic there.

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