For thinking taking photos at a funeral is weird

[Singsongsungagain]

Seriously. Today on my FB page two seperate individuals have been to a funeral. I know this because both have posted posed photos of themselves dressed in black at cemeteries. There's an "arty" photo of a single flower on someone's knee. Last year, an acquaintance of mine sadly suffered the death of her young child. A horrific experience I have no doubt. Why then post posed pictures of yourself/others standing near the coffin?!

I just find it in really poor taste. I'm fortunate enough to not have been to too many funerals in my life but have never dreamed of taking photos!

Am I unreasonable or is this strange?

Here we go again, another post having a go at the way a grieving mother grieves.

Please, op, please tell us bereaved parents what we are supposed to do. Clearly those of us walking this shitty path every single fucking day are getting it oh so very wrong.

Do you know what is more 'distasteful' than taking photos at your childs funeral?

Having your childs funeral in the first place.

I didn't take photos at my childrens funerals, but I wish I had, I can't remember a thing.

If I had then chosen to put them on facebook, twitter or make a 50 foot poster and stick it up in the middle of London that is absolutely my business and you should feel nothing but honoured that you had seen some of the most precious photos I could share.

To sit there on your fucking high horse talking about what poor taste a grieving mother has in sharing pictures of her precious childs funeral says far more about you than it does about anyone else.

My Mother in Law took photos at her daughter's funeral. If that's what she felt like doing, why ever not? She wanted to share the photos so sent copies to me. I hope she never worried that she might be judged for sharing them.

There isn't a right and wrong way for other people to grieve, we all do it our own way.

I hope MNHQ do the right thing and close this down soon, its deeply upsetting and naive.

I cant see how anyone is benefiting from this.

And to Mrs DV and Elsa

Beraved Parents Know Your Place!

And that place is not flaunting your grief all over Facebook you ghastly person.

This is exactly it, we are allowed to grieve, just not in a way that may effect, upset or otherwise intrude on someone else. God forbid we dare to make anyone else uncomfortable with our crying or gasp mentioning of our childrens names, and if we even dare to share a picture, well we should just jolly well think through the impact it could have on anyone else first.

MrsD

Hold on a bit here, the OP referred to an acquaintance of mine posting pictures of herself and her partner at her grandmother's funeral, posing in their outfits. It had no reference to bereaved parents or etiquette for mourning, beyond an observation that I don't understand why posting pictures on FB would in any way help anyone.

For my part, I did not want my grief recorded. The sight of the coffin is engraved in my memory, as is the hole in the ground that he was lowered into. I don't need or want photos. I want to remember his life, not his death.

Last year, an acquaintance of mine sadly suffered the death of her young child. A horrific experience I have no doubt. Why then post posed pictures of yourself/others standing near the coffin?!

^ looks a lot like having a go at the way a bereaved parent grieves to me.

Thank your lucky stars you don't understand how it may help.

Goodness, I really did it all wrong when my husband died didn't I. Not only did I video the funeral, I took photos of my husband after he had died. With our children in the photo too. And at Christmas we're going to go to the crem and take flowers and christmas cards. To a man who won't ever be ever to hold them or see them. No he won't have a merry christmas because he's dead. I don't suppose we will either. But at least we could stop being weird and not take cards to the crem. Or maybe we'll continue to do what the hell we want and to continue not give a shiny shit what other people think.

I'll add too that taking the cards from the flowers I personally think is lovely, something to keep along with the cards etc.
If this post has caused any offence then I completely apologise- it was most certainly not intended at all. My only point really was how/why does posting pictures on Facebook help.
This same person, by the way, posted pictures of her with her grandparent which is very much a tribute. It's not about hiding the grief or denying the life. It's actually about showing a bit of respect.

I think it's similar to the circles of kvetching thing - those closest to the bereavement get to do exactly what they want and no one has the right to judge them. Those further out need to show some respect and follow the wishes of those closer in.
I've been to a funeral recently where I'd only met the deceased a handful of times but we were there to.support his daughter. As such we sat at the back, no big displays of mourning, quiet respect. When it was dh's father last year, it was different and I certainly felt like whatever Dh and MIL did was fine as their loss was the greatest.

So, the thread needs to be deleted because someone has a different opinion. Why do people report or want threads deleted, what are you afraid of.

There is only one post on the thread criticising a parents action, pretty much all the others say that nobody judges immediate family

Woah there OP you're backpedalling so fast your legs are blurry. Your only point was that its weird/disrespectful, nothing to do with asking how it helps and your final sentence in your post of 10.04 confirms that.

It helps because it helps Posting a photo of flowers and cards at my dd's grave on her birthday acknowledges her very real, very short life. It shouts to everyone that she was here, she was real, we love and miss her more than I can put into words at this time on a Saturday.

I so wish I had more photos of her and of her funeral. There are so many gaps because I was so crushed with grief that I couldn't see straight let alone think and take it in. The longer it is since her death and her funeral, the harder it is to remember the details. It hurts.

I find photos at funerals very odd, that said I went to the funeral of a child last year and the parents had a photographer there to take photos of everyone. The child had a life limiting illness and the funeral was a celebration of her life. Everyone wore pink / purple (as requested) and it was a very bitter sweet day - the parents were helped to plan the funeral by support staff from the children's hospice she had attended and if having photographs of the day brought them some peace that can only be a good thing.

I do think it is a very personal thing and should be up to close family, mourners taking selfies is a real no no for me!

My only point really was how/why does posting pictures on Facebook help.

You have a child, you know that child will go to school, make friends, get a job, go to parties, bump into people on a night out, marry, have kids, travel make an impact on the world somehow.

When your child dies they no longer have that impact on the world anymore, they become someone that people shuffle uncomfortably at when their name is mentioned, that people eye roll at when you bring up a memory for the millionth time, someone that people want to forget. Instead of celebrating their special days you are supposed to hide them.

Sharing photos, even photos of your childs funeral, means they are still being remembered. Just because your child has died they are still very much a part of your family, although it is more of a fight to get them acknowledged.

Every time I mention my childrens names it helps me, if I choose to show their pictures it helps me, if I had facebook and shared pictures on there every comment and like would help me because it means my child is still acknowledged to other people and not just me.

I remember a cousin bossing everyone into a family photo at my grandad's funeral. I thought that was strange, and seeing the photo later isn't nice. Staged people, standing in the cold and grey, dressed in black and crying. Why would anyone want a photo of that? But it was a long time ago, so has thankfully never been posted online. It's never occurred to me to take photos. I have brought a photo album to the wake before, of nice happy photos from the person's life, so that the family could chat and share memories. But each family must do what feels right to them.

But if you pose for a picture at a grandparent's funeral then receive comments referring to your outfit etc, are you remembering the life or are you making it, actually, all about you?
Stanky I'm with you. I just can't imagine that moment of saying "just stand over there while I take your picture".

And Dinosaur, if taking pictures helped you then who am I to argue. Did you post them on FB? From what you've said, I'm guessing not.
For what it's worth I think going to the grave on Christmas Day is a completely natural thing to do.

I don't think we should tell the family how to grieve. I don't see any issues with family members taking any pictures they need providing it isn't hurting another family member.

I do find selfies with the dead in an open coffin distasteful though if done by distant relatives/friends. Family members should be allowed to do what feels right to them without any judgment.

Sorry if my comments upset anyone. Everyone does grief differently, this is a discussion of what people find acceptable (to them) which others find less so.

Personally, I don't sit here thinking how I would 'do grief'. I have done my fair share thanks very much. It was at my mums' funeral when my family member suggested I take the cards off the flowers because that is what she did, (or take photographs which I didn't do either). It obviously helped her, she didn't regret it and that is fine but it should also be fine for it not to sit right with me too. My first thought was 'no, no, no, the cards are to her!' I remember as if it were yesterday my 7 year son carefully writting 'Dear Grandma, I will miss you'. I have no idea what I wrote. It doesn't matter. It was to her. I am crying now just thinking about it. No way could I have taken those cards back. The sympathy cards are for me should I wish to look at them and I will keep them always. My dad died many years ago and I didn't look at his again until my mum died. I haven't looked at hers again yet but am sure I will one day.