To think this is not fucking on

[SureY]

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

no, he is trying to minimize damage by blaming you!

YANBU! I would be seriously fucked off too, and, if I had gone as far as you and was giving him a second chance this frankly would be the end of it.

Good luck to you OP!

Why are you choosing to accept a cheater ? He's obviously lying to you, and you can do something about it - leave him.
His whole 'chill out' attitude says it all.

Agree with PP, he's a dick and it's probably been going on all this time. He's trying to shift the blame on you

Wow - "no marriage if YOU don't chill out"... That takes the biscuit in terms of dodging all responsibility and making it your fault.
I'm gobsmacked - truly. You're spoiling the holiday?

If he's saying these things to you now, he's clearly not feeling that guilty and obviously has no plans to accede to your wishes..

He's not going to stop- you know that don't you?

Do you believe no sex? If they can't resist the temptation to email when he knows the marriage is at stake then why would they have managed not to sleep together?

He has gone from begging for one more chance to not giving a shit how you feel. This is because he has no respect for you. Relationships would be a better place to post.

Yanbu at all - how dare he essentially blame you when he is the one in the wrong

No he's a dick who is trying to minimise the damage he has done to your marriage by blaming you and your reactions. Whether or not you decide to LTB is up to you (I would), but if he's now blaming you for overreacting to him contacting the OW it won't be long before he starts to meet up with her and call it "friendship". He hasn't ended things with her and will continue his affair and at the same time make you think you're overreacting and petty.

I will have no such idiot in my life as a friend let alone a fiance!

That's an opening gambit text.

Telling him where she is, mentioning good coffee.

Next thing, I fancy a good coffee... Etc etc.

It's definitely not on! He should be moving mountains to keep you happy and regain your trust. If non work related contact is such an issue to him you need to discuss why! Good luck OP - I hope you manage to sort things out.

What Twitter said

No contact means no contact. He is completely trying to minimise the whole thing and push the blame on to you. He doesn't care, OP. Especially about your feelings.

YANBU.

Agree with everything that has been said. Accept this and it will progress to more chit chat. The chats will lengthen., the subject matter will become increasingly intimate, until before you know it they are talking like a pair of love birds.

Either nip it in the bud now as in no contact, under any circumstances.
Or prepare For the affair to start again, if indeed it ever finished.

Your h cannot expect you to tolerate any of this.

He's a dickhead who is probably lying to you anyway.

Get through the holiday and then reassess whether you can be bothered to live with someone you don't trust who shows you little respect.

He certainly doesn't care and obviously has zero respect for you

that must have been horrible to see, OP.

He should be respecting the ground rules you have laid out, if he can't then there isn't a marriage to save, is there?

He has and is still fucking her. How DARE he make this your fault. You have no marriage he expects you to put up with continue contact. If you want your self esteem to be trodden into the dirt. Stay with this man

LTB seriously. Why would you want to stay married to someone who has no respect for you and has no intention of ending the affair. Oh, and get an STD check too.

I'm not usually one to start shouting LTB, and I won't here....
But IMO he hasn't stopped communicating with her at all - you just happened to see this set of messages. And sorry, but I was spun the 'no sex' line too....

No sex? YABU to believe that! No contact means just that. I'm sorry OP but I think he's already checked out of your marriage and probably just trying to get through this holiday...

LTB

Really sorry to hear your going through this.

Totally unacceptable behaviour.

If indeed he is trying to make the marriage work and regain your trust that is a fucking disgraceful way of going about it- both his response to the email and his reaction to you.