To think this is not fucking on

[SureY]

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

Thank you
He really doesn't see anything wrong with the messages. I've asked him to send a message back to her saying that she cannot continue to send him personal emails, but of course he has refused
Tempted to email her, but prob not a good idea
Have left him with DS having lunch, back in our cottage and fuming and so so worried about the future

Unbelievable response from him!!
Why on earth does he think you'll take such an outrageous comment? What's he actually done to rebuild your trust in him?
Oh and he was obviously fucking her. Ugh!

Why the hell has he refused? Sorry but why are you accepting this? Why isn't his refusal a deal breaker for you?? His brazenness suggests he knows exactly what you'll put up with!

Sorry but his refusal to email & tell her to stop with the non work related communications says it all really.

You're worth more than this.

Don't do anything about it now. Just get through the holiday.

I wouldn't email her as she is probably aware that he is married with a child and obviously doesn't give a shit.

When you get back you need to lay it down in simple words so there's no confusion and no way your husband can misinterpret your words. If he tries to manipulate that with what ifs and buts then tell him he's the one in the wrong and if he isn't prepared to do everything possible to get your marriage back and your trust, then he can fuck off and start paying maintenance.

Why wont he ask her for no contact?

Why wont he ask her for no contact?

Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around? If you had been having a 'no sex' affair with a colleague and now you refused to stop contacting the other man? His behaviour is outrageous, I would be considering my future with this man very carefully. You don't need to rush, just quietly make a plan.

I don't know why would you stay with a man that's cheated on you. Let alone a man who's cheating on you and seemingly trying to gaslight you and make it your fault. Nobody deserves that, please don't allow this to continue.

Also, don't email her. She is not the problem.

There is no point emailing her. It's your husband that needs to stop the contact.

If he sees nothing wrong in what he is doing how are you meant to move forward?

I'm guessing that while he told you he was going nc, he hasn't told her, so an email now "reminding" her that emails are to be only work-related will be met with surprise from her, and then shit will really hit the fan when you find out that actually nothing has changed.

Bastard!

Apart from is behaviour, which has been appalling, the very fact that you are still checking his phone should tell you your marriage is over. Sorry.

They agreed to only have work related contact

Hello OP, was just wondering whether you meant they or was it a slip of the tongue.
I think if he has said they have agreed he is obviously lying again because she hasn't stopped.
His behaviour and reaction to you seeing the email speak volumes, he is putting it all onto you and he should be jumping through hoops to make you happy.
Do you believe the no sex thing? Is she single? Sorry for all the questions but I think it makes a difference as to how he will behave.
Either way if he doesn't stop the emails all together and ignore her you have your answer.

He really should be moving mountains to save his marriage- no contact should be an absolute given.

Sorry OP but if he doesn't agree to this he obviously isn't committed to making your marriage work

Why won't he ask her for no contact? I don't know
He says he just doesn't want to make a big deal out of it
I think it's probably time to call in a lawyer. I have kept proof of the affair (screen grabs) -will it help in any way?
Sad for DS mostly and worried about the future, am a SAHM and gave up my career, fucking idiot

Yanbu.
I'm sorry he sounds like a total shit.

Well done for thinking to take screen shots - I'd imagine they'd be extremely important.
Remember, you've done nothing wrong - he chose to treat you like shit AND YOUR CHILD!

He begged for another chance - remind him of that.

If he can't stick to his side of the agreement then he obviously has no respect for you or your marriage.
YANBU at all, can't he switch off from work and focus on your marriage and family for a few days?

I very nearly took DH's phone off him on holiday and we both agreed to keep off the internet - best holiday we've had in a long time.

morethan no apparently they both agreed
Yes she's single
I did believe the no sex thing...but he's a pathological liar so not sure why

So, his "will do anything etc etc" pledge really meant "will do anything that doesn't put him out or cause him to actually cut off contact with her"

I see

But no, don't email her. No good will come of that. No goos at all. Trsust me

Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday.

That's you told, then.

No, YANBU.

Maybe its time you asked him to move company as he said he would if it wasn't possible to not speak to OW.
Call his bluff, no contact at all and change company, neither will need to contact the other.
Tell him you don't believe the no sex either, who wouldn't if they were working away. there would have been nothing to stop them.
Then let him see your appointment to the std clinic, closely followed by a solicitors letter.
He is a complete arse and doesn't deserve you or a nice family.

'No marriage if you don't chill out'?!

Time to reply - 'Thanks - I'll take the no marriage, please. Looks like it stopped existing the moment you started fucking Miss Coffee Pot Clunge - and fuck her you did, you lying piece of plop. Now, how shall we get home separately, and when will you be moving out?'

castle

Marriages can survive affairs - some even go on to be better/stronger BUT that only happens when the person who has had the affair takes 100% of the blame, realises what a momumental mistake they have made and wants their marriage more than anything and so is prepared to put a lot of work into regaining trust, repairing the damage they have caused and really looking at why they did it. Sadly, none of those things apply to your H. He has simply gone for the 'easy route' told you it wasn't physical, blubbed a bit and told you he'd do anything... yup, anything 'not too difficult and for 5 minutes'.

:(

Unless you want to be with someone who cheats on you, this is the end of the road.

If it was me, I'd leave H & DS on holiday and go home (presuming he's competent enough to look after DS), where I would see a solicitor, start working out where my career could be picked up and packing his stuff. I would call my best friend, cry a lot and generally get myself together before they get back.

it's crap x