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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not fucking on

232 replies

SureY · 18/08/2014 14:20

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 18/08/2014 15:16

it's incredibly unlikely that they didn't have sex if they worked away together.

Men like that will lie about anything if they think they can get away with it. presumably he had to confess to something because you found the evidence.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 18/08/2014 15:16

castle said it much more succinctly Grin

Castlemilk · 18/08/2014 15:20
Grin

More seriously, OP, I am really sorry but you absolutely need to move on from him. Leave, leave, leave.

There is no point in talking about it any more - if he can't see all that is absolutely so so wrong about his attitude, then it's dead in the water. If after all that's been said, he thinks that text conversation was ok, then it's dead. He simply doesn't have the mental capacity or the emotional intelligence to process why it's wrong. And even if he could, he clearly doesn't agree that it's wrong anyway, so why bother conversing on it further?

What he said to you puts the tin lid on it. People say they can recover after affairs and not endure a life of utter shit. Maybe they can. One thing is certain though, it can't be done with a third-rate specimen like this. PLEASE move on, leave him, and start to recover.

AMumInScotland · 18/08/2014 15:21

Being in contact with her is a higher priority to him than the second chance you agreed to give him after he begged and promised.

I'm sorry, but it shows very clearly what he thinks is important in his life, and your marriage isn't it. The 'marriage' can only survive if you accept that you have a husband who is unfaithful to you (emotionally at least and quite possibly physically) and put up with being second-best in his life.

Not so much a matter of you 'chilling out' but you selling yourself short.

Not what I'd choose, personally.

Original poster
SureY · 18/08/2014 15:29

He is back now and I've shown him this thread as feeling completely gaslit...gaslighted?? and wanted him to see other opinions
His reply was to laugh and said you're all mad Hmm

He has now said 'You should stop focusing on the o/w and try to focus on our relationship, which is the reason we are here' and said I am 'just taking my bad mood out on him'

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 18/08/2014 15:32

Um 'you should stop focussing on the OW'?

If he hadn't been focussing on her instead of his family none of this would have happened. What an awful man.

BookABooSue · 18/08/2014 15:33

I'm sorry but they are both taking the piss. The email about coffee in a work venue is them pretending it is a work email and hence passes the criteria of only having work conversations. It's got bugger all to do with coffee and everything to do with them keeping in contact.

To quote Dr Phil - it was your DH's job to put your relationship back on track because he was the one who drove it off the road. I'm sorry but he's shown he doesn't have any respect for you. Don't resign yourself to a life of checking emails/texts/call logs to try to discover if he's cheating or not.
He's not worth the emotional energy.

You, however, are worth much much more than this.

areyoubeingserviced · 18/08/2014 15:36

Yabu if you believe anything this man says.
I am not suggesting that you LTB, but just be aware that he is actually embarrassing you by keeping in contact with this woman.
The fact that he had the bare faced cheek to basically accuse you of putting the marriage in jeopardy shows lack of remorse on his part.
It is up to you as to whether you are prepared to put up with this ,

Guitargirl · 18/08/2014 15:37

'Stop focusing on the OW'. Um, I think he should have thought of that when he pissed all over your marriage. What a horrible man.

AlpacaYourThings · 18/08/2014 15:38

Yes, we're all mad. Of course. Random people on an Internet forum who have no reason to lie to you are all mad. Hmm

Seriously, OP he hasn't got any respect for you. If he did he wouldn't contact her or allow her to contact him.

My DH cheated on me at the very beginning of our relationship, I found out because the OW messaged me on Facebook classy. I was devastated. Granted, we were only BF & GF and no DC involved so not the same as you.

BUT, he cut all contact with her, when she text him to saythat she wanted to be friends he changed his number. When she got a job at the same place as him even changed jobs so that she wasn't around him.

That's commitment to a relationship and we didn't even have a child.

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this.

Castlemilk · 18/08/2014 15:41

Yup, we're all mad. Much better for you to stop focusing on the tiny detail of your husband having an affair. Good God woman, can't you see that if you just got on with it and carried on trying to mend things properly instead of getting all naggy about him, err, going back on the essential things he said he'd do to mend some of the damage, it would all be fine! Fine fine fine!!!

OP- just leave. There is no point to this. You are on a hiding to nothing but unhappiness.

areyoubeingserviced · 18/08/2014 15:41

Tell your dh that the only person who is mad is him.
He is prepared to risk his family for a bit of skirt .I will now say LTB for your own sanity. He sounds like a dickhead

Amethyst24 · 18/08/2014 15:42

"Focus on our relationship" in other words, start doing the Pick Me dance, which the OW is currently doing with her nicey-nice little emails about coffee.

Fuck him, OP. The only way he's interested in this marriage continuing is to have you dancing attendance on him, being a doormat because you're so frightened of him cheating again, and him going off and doing it anyway because he knows you have no option but to turn a blind eye because you've given him tacit permission to do what the hell he likes.

ramrod757 · 18/08/2014 15:42

To be honest he was an idiot to have got caught in the first place. How stupid do you have to be to not delete texts and emails?

Frontier · 18/08/2014 15:44

I do agree with what's been said here but looking for some glimmer of positiveness:

"That's an opening gambit text.

Telling him where she is, mentioning good coffee.

Next thing, I fancy a good coffee... Etc etc."

If that's the case and she was hoping for him to respond by suggesting meeting for coffee, then she didn't know he's on holiday, so they can't have been in much contact of late?

BitOutOfPractice · 18/08/2014 15:44

Yes yes ramrod that really is the most salient point on this thread

areyoubeingserviced · 18/08/2014 15:44

OP,
I don't want to see a post from you next year ; full if regrets because you didn't leave your dickhead of a husband.
The only person he loves is his pathetic self

LuluJakey1 · 18/08/2014 15:45

You have to make a decision:
a) Are you going to stay on the holiday, accept his comments and behaviour, believe he wants to make this work and try to start re-building with him?
or
b) Is it over- you don't believe him, he does not understand the depth of the damage he has done, you can't trust him and you can not live with him like this?

If it is the first you will have to do your best and expect his best. He should be prepared to text her in front of you and ask her to not contact him again. The phone should then be turned off. He should allow you access to his phone at all times so you can learn to trust him. If he is not prepared to do those things, he is not prepared to really try.

If it is the second, I am with BringMeSunshine - leave him on holiday with DS, go home, see a solicitor, pack his stuff, cry it out with your best friend and chuck him out when he gets home. Easy to say but terribly hard to do.

Thanks
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/08/2014 15:45

He says he just doesn't want to make a big deal out of it

He needs a reality check. This IS a big deal. He's the mad one if he doesn't get that.

AMumInScotland · 18/08/2014 15:52

Have you reminded him about the bit where he promised to do anything he had to in order to be given that second chance? The bit where he promised not to have any contact with her again?

He seems very quick to forget that he was the one who was supposed to change his behaviour.

He wants you to 'focus on the relationship'? He isn't doing that himself. He's making out that this is all your fault, not his.

And it isn't. It really isn't.

If he can't stop texting her, after promising, then he's clearly not prepared to put the slightest bit of effort into earning your forgiveness.

AgathaF · 18/08/2014 15:54

You should stop focusing on the o/w and try to focus on our relationship - like he is currently, what with his cosy messages to OW?

HumblePieMonster · 18/08/2014 15:56

tell him you've put it out of your mind. enjoy your holiday the best you can. make use of his body, it might be the last sex you get for a while.

when you get home, divorce him.

[I love my advice. Its practical. I should take some of it. Currently, I'm advising people not to think they can take back the abusive ex 'if they take things slowly', whilst dreaming that I might be able to cope with dodgy-guy-I-know by doing just that. I give great advice. I don't necessarily follow it]

hell2theno · 18/08/2014 16:03

Chill out? WTAF. He is a total and complete cock. Classic minimising, and blaming technique. Marriages can only survive affairs if the man accepts, and is genuinely sorry for, the betrayal and hurt he has caused. Telling you to "chill out" is all you need to know. LTB.

russiandwarf · 18/08/2014 16:05

He is trying to emotionally manipulate you and deflect attention away from his wrong doing. Don't let him get away with it!
You must stand up for yourself otherwise he will completely railroad you. I have seen it happen to my best friend - made to feel as though she was being ridiculous when all along she was right in her suspicions and he eventually left her for the o/w.

I agree with Lulu - He should be prepared to text her in front of you and ask her to not contact him again. The phone should then be turned off. He should allow you access to his phone at all times so you can learn to trust him. If he is not prepared to do those things, he is not prepared to really try.

I would also be inclined to take his claims they never slept together when they worked away together with a pinch of salt. The less you can prove, the more he can get away with lying about. Let's face it, he hasn't been able to cut contact with her when he said he would and if you hadn't found the text you would be none the wiser.

You deserve better. He needs to work to earn your trust and he's not really trying is he?

ramrod757 · 18/08/2014 16:06

Yes yes ramrod that really is the most salient point on this thread

I meant that I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone that stupid! If he had a 2nd brain cell he'd be dangerous!