To think this is not fucking on

[SureY]

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

You need to ask yourself if you trust him right now and if you ever think you'll trust him again. If the answer is no then you know what you have to do. The message between them might well have been innocent but it was something he promised not to do and he's fucked up by not telling her they can't have contact other than for work relation discussion.

Obviously I'm not saying you should trust him because clearly he's a total dick weasel but if you know yourself you'll never trust him with this woman or any other then you need to leave for your own sake.

make use of his body, it might be the last sex you get for a while.

Ew. Please don't do this.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. But please don't accept it. Your husband has no respect for you or your DS. Clearly. He should be moving heaven and earth and the fact he's not and has the cheek to tell you "to chill out" should tell you all you need to know.

I think people on mn say LTB far too easily - but in your case it is 100% justified. What an utter shit.

Stop thinking about the o/w?? Why doesn't he take his own advice? He has NO respect for you or your marriage or he would be doing EVERYTHING to prove to you she means nothing - including telling her to never contact him again.

I'm actually fuming for you. He needs a massive wake up call - as another poster says, go home, get organised and Get angry (to get you through the upset). You are better than both of these people.

What a prick. He's somehow completely normalised, in his head (and possibly yours) that he had an AFFAIR! Seriously. That is so fucked up.

He has put you and your marriage way, way down his list of priorities. Below the OW. Below his selfish urges.

Urgh, he makes me sick.

Yes of course everyone on the internet is mad, that's right. And he never had sex with this woman who is still texting him in contravention of your stipulations re. the marriage continuing, no of course he didn't.

And you're over-reacting?

Like hell you are. He's royally taking the piss, he's just waiting for the furore to die down and then he and she will be back where they were before, for sure.

If he really wanted to work on your relationship, he wouldn't have responded to her message. He wouldn't be having anything to do with her as she's clearly a threat, in that he can't seem to control his behaviour around her.

So - I'd say you're best off going to see that solicitor asap, sadly. Get rid of the cheating low-life (you did say he was a pathological liar, didn't you? Not worth keeping around, sorry - I went out with one of those for a few months and ended up not knowing what the fuck was going on! luckily for me he moved on to some other poor woman but he royally messed with my head!)

make use of his body, it might be the last sex you get for a while

Oh yes, agree with weeblue please don't!

I just don't know what to do

Looking at getting home right now, then I will have six days I suppose to find a lawyer, get the necessary stuff together

Just can't believe it's come to this. Does not feel real.

On I'm so sorry, OP.

I know its hard but you deserve someone who will love and respect you, not treat you like this.

HE should be having no contact with her at all. OF course he is sleeping with her. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Oh bless you.
It's so horrible when the realisation hits you.
It's all been said already about him.

But you need to look after yourself.
Try to eat and drink. Sugary things to keep your sugar levels up.
For me it was sugary tea and ice lollies. Couldn't really keep anything solid down. Soups may be a good option as well.

Get home. Find a good family solicitor and get things moving.
You'll feel so much more in control of your own future if you can take the lead and get this man out of your life.

I am soooo angry for you.
He's an utter knob of the highest order and not worth a moment more of you time or energy.

Does he know that was the final straw?

I suppose this coffee thing could be code for something? Worst case scenario

You deserve better

Your children deserve better

It's not even the on going contact so much as the 'Yeah whatever' reaction to your upset feelings. That's the worst. If he is at such an uncaring point, what are the two of you trying to work on exactly, and why? Not saying leave, but there is a heck of a lot of plain talking to do if you and he are to salvage anything.

Have you found a way to get home?

Have you told any of your friends?

x

It's the lying that is the real killer, isn't it?

And being blamed for the marriage failing, FFS!

Some anger is in place.

The trouble with talking to an arsehole is that they tend to come out with a lot of shit.

He has no respect for you or your feelings. He believes he should be able to act like this and for you to just suck it up.

He has made his position crystal clear.

we will have no marriage if I don't chill out

All you can do is decide if you accept his terms or not.

"All you can do is decide if you accept his terms or not."

Well that, AND place the blame squarely back where it belongs, on his lying cheating shoulders! If the marriage fails now, it will be down to him, NOT you. HE broke his vows, HE is having some kind of affair, HE doesn't care enough about you to tell this woman to fuck off and leave him be - HE is the one causing the failure, NOT you.

Still working on getting home

Do you know what the funny thing is? I thought I had really, really amazing husband for so many years. We had a great relationship, and he's a very charming person - everyone warms to him as he comes across as kind, genuine and generally a lovely lovely man. We have a back catalogue of 'in, jokes, years of love and happiness, amazing holidays and our beautiful DS. And then - in a matter of months - it's all gone up in smoke.

I can't quite believe it.

And another weird thing. When I got together with him many years ago, he was rude, anti-social and grumpy and always let me down. And then I told him I wasn't having any of it and he changed - seemingly overnight. And then I saw him completely morph into this lovely person and I though 'fuck, I really changed him!!' And yet always in the back of my mind I was thinking, where has that arsehole gone? Surely people don't really change

Evidently not

But he put on a good show for 10 years

Be very prepared for the rude grumpy arsehole to return then, SureY. It's a thing people do when they're in a relationship - they suppress the parts of themselves that don't "fit" well into that relationship, in order for the relationship to be better. But once they've opted out of the relationship, whether in their heads or in actuality, then they stop bothering to keep those "non-fitting" parts of their personality in check, because it doesn't matter any more.

So if the rude antisocial shit starts coming out, you'll know that he's already left your marriage :(

He's not trying remotely to save his marriage is he, despite the pretty words

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Sadly I think you are going to start seeing more and more of the rude, grumpy git who always let you down :( The 'fake' him you thought was your lovely husband seems to have gone already. I am so sorry, I know how much it hurts and how hard it is.

Do you need any help sorting out how to get home?

I wonder what he would do if you were sending such emails to an attractive, young, male colleague.

Your marriage is over because he is still more interested in concentrating on OW than on your and your marriage.

Good on you for not taking his shit. Get home and see a solicitor or two. It may be the kick up the arse he needs to realise how bloody serious and how much damage he has really done.

If you know where you stand legally and financially it is not as scary as not knowing and you will not be scared to make the change.

If you start a divorce it can be stopped at any time if you repair this current mess of a marriage.

Also please consider an STI check for your own piece of mind. He doesn't seem to give a shit about you so who knows what else he really has done.

I have walked in your shoes and yes breaking up & it's financial and practical implications are Scarey.... But a life where no one treats you this way is a beautiful life and worth all the sacrifices.

To be honest if it walks like a duck and talks like a talk it is a duck.

If you want to know for sure the nature of their relationship I would (well I did :) ) place a voice activated recorder in the car. Back of the passenger seat is a good idea.

If they are emailing they will be phoning too... And the car is a safe place for him to make calls. Only took me 1 day to gather the proof that way.

I would also suggest getting your ducks in a row.

Don't tell him you are doing so... Or he will find ways to stop you or convince you you are imagining things.... This is called blame shifting and is very common.

I would ask the citizens advice for information on benefits you would be entitied to as a single parent. Many lawyers will do a first 30 minute consultation for free.

It's important to know what the bottom line is that the court would give you... This gives you a benchmark below which not to negotiate.

I wish you luck