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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

521 replies

starterforeight · 24/07/2014 10:52

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

OP posts:
Tiptops · 24/07/2014 10:55

YANBU.

Very mean spirited. Why have the three children been excluded?

Seriouslyffs · 24/07/2014 10:56

How big is the class?

CoffeeTea103 · 24/07/2014 10:56

If they are old enough to know they are excluded maybe the child is enough to choose who they want at the party?

PedlarsSpanner · 24/07/2014 10:57

My first thought would be the three non invitees have special needs or a disability

Or three boys in the class not invited, it's an all girl party by default

Or the parents have had a fall-out

Or maybe there's a cut off at the party venue, max of 20, three didn't make the cut

Or perhaps the three not invited are not mates

Who knows, need more info really

Hulababy · 24/07/2014 10:57

Its not a nice thing to do at all, in any situation really, let alone with a bunch of children.

My own guideline for parties is:

  • whole class or significant group (ie all girls, all boys)
  • half or less of whole class or significant group
NotAnotherPackedLunchBox · 24/07/2014 10:58

Did any of the three excluded children have a party earlier in the school year and was the current party child invitied to any of the parties?

TeenAndTween · 24/07/2014 10:59

As a parent I would not allow my child to invite everyone bar 3 to a party. Even if there was someone she really couldn't stand who had been bullying her then it would still not be OK. I would require her to just have a smaller party. No way is someone 'best friends' with all bar 3 in a class, so it should always be possible to slim down to half or whatever.
My elder DD has been at the end of 'if you invite XX then I won't come'. She still invited XX and said it was up to the others if they came or not.

PedlarsSpanner · 24/07/2014 10:59

Oh yes good point Lunchbox

NotALondoner · 24/07/2014 10:59

Agree with hulababy.

WeirdCatLady · 24/07/2014 11:01

It very much depends on why those three have been excluded. For instance, IMHO leaving three persistently nasty little bullies out would be okay, but leaving three kids out because they have additional needs would not be okay.

We did whole class parties for the first few years but then started doing smaller, selected people, parties.

SaucyJack · 24/07/2014 11:02

Depends. If the three non-invitees have been kicking the crap out of the birthday child everyday, then I think it's more than fine.

quietbatperson · 24/07/2014 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 24/07/2014 11:05

Personally I believe that when they are old enough to make choices for themselves it's up to them who they invite.

Why should they have people there they don't want? It's their party, not the parents.

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/07/2014 11:05

I think people need to stop taking it so personally. Kids can't be invited to everything all the time. If it's a pay per head venue then it's easily a cost thing.

Being left out because they have additional needs is mean however if the three left out are bullying te other children you can't blame them for not wanting then
There surely?

YouTheCat · 24/07/2014 11:07

More information needed.

I can't really say whether it is unreasonable or not unless I know the circumstances.

PinklePurr · 24/07/2014 11:07

I think it depends how old these children are.

eg 12 year old bullies who know damn well how vile they are being.

CoffeeTea103 · 24/07/2014 11:08

I find it hard to believe on here that people actually invite the bullies to their kids parties. Good for you but why do that to your child. No way, even of it's 1 child that's excluded, will I invite a bully to my child's party.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 24/07/2014 11:10

Actually Blush I probably have excluded one girl from parties as it's never registered she's in DD2's year (combined classes and she's a lot taller).

When asked for name lists DD hasn't by accident or design included her.

I honestly don't know when she joined the school and if it was after we last did a whole class party.

I'm not going to lose sleep, DD1 got left out all the time.

You can't get all DC to be friends all the time, however njce it would be.

You can't force DCs to have mixed sex parties and invite boys they know will be trouble, rather than all girls so there is space for sisters, family friends and girls from other years.

DD2 was very clear on this after boys, who should know better, sent a family friends DD flying and she was Blush

AMumInScotland · 24/07/2014 11:16

It does send a very pointed message. I guess the question is whether you think that message is an acceptable one. So, for 3 bullies, yes I think the fact that bullying has consequences is an ok message to send.

For all boys/all girls - well I suppose if there are really only 3 of the other gender in the class it could happen. But I'm not sure I'd want to send a message that my child could/should only be friends with the same gender. If one gender is half the class, then having a single-gender party doesn't seem a 'pointed message' in the same way, since you often have to limit numbers in some arbitrary way.

MrsWinnibago · 24/07/2014 11:17

Elephant you need to ask the teacher for the list. Children always miss some.

Original poster
starterforeight · 24/07/2014 11:34

O.k. more info

Fairly confident no bullying involved, jungle drums and all that.

No child in the class with special needs or disability

25 in the class

The 3 excluded children have not had parties this year, I'm not saying they haven't in the past but not this year, there's a lot less parties when you get older, most of the kids haven't had one this year, just a couple of best friends taken out for a treat type celebrations.

There was a boy/girl mix in the excluded 3

OP posts:
Original poster
starterforeight · 24/07/2014 11:36

Joysmum

I would agree but it's not like non school friends are invited too, like an older age group party, just all but 3 of the classmates.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 24/07/2014 11:38

clutching at straws but maybe they have been overlooked accidently - I remember this happened to a girl at my school - the hostess was mortified and brought her party bag etc

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/07/2014 11:40

Whenever I've done a party for dd, I've always made sure that I have invited those who invited her to theirs, made sure the friends and siblings of friends (who she's friends with) have been invited and the. Topped up the numbers with the rest of her friends so of they have done that and there's a number restriction or it's a pay per head venue then it's possible it was a mistake.

Dds school has two classes per year so never had an issue with one/two being left out of the year group but in a smaller school I can see how (by accident) it could be done.

If however they are left out merely because they never had a party that year then yes that is mean.

But we don't know do we. Could be any number of reasons and you can't be absolutely sure there's no bullying going on.

Standinginline · 24/07/2014 11:40

So TeenandTween you wouldn't allow your daughter to NOT invite a person that had been bullying her ? How bizarre.