To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

[starterforeight]

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

No cultural issues either

How old are the kids?

I agree with pictures. My dd has had a similar experience although to a lesser extent. Without fail we would invite all the girls in her class (there were only 10 in total). And without fail the children whose mums were all friends would exclude dd. what hurt dd the most is that one girls birthday was a couple of days after dd. one year having accepted dd birthday invitation she promptly gave out her own party invites without inviting dd. that year I decided enough was enough and texted her mother saying that I had changed my mind and her dd could not come to dd party. It was the best thing I ever did!

IMO it is a really shit thing to do grown ups allowing or condoning their childrens bullying

A point I would make is that I have absolutely no idea how many children were in my DCs class. So I can imagine a situation where I might presume 30, and say "you can invite 20" expecting some of those invited to be from another class as well, so that maybe half my DCs class (in my head) would be coming. Then you ask the DC for names to invite and they recite 20 names. Then it turns out that the class actually only had 23 in it, ALL the names DC told you were from that class and you have thus made a HUUGE faux pas by leaving out three kids.

Why should they have people there they don't want? It's their party, not the parents

Exactly.

I have advertantly and inadvertently excluded children from parties. Nobody died.

My children were allowed to invite whomsoever they pleased as long as I never ever heard them whinge about not being invited themselves.

Worked for us.

It's very mean. You either invite all or a smaller group. I don't think there is any excuse for pointedly leaving three children out. I'm assuming that there hasn't been an ongoing problem with the other children involved.

I would definitely judge the parent. It's one of those frustrating issues because if someone is that rude and blinkered then they aren't going to understand how hurtful their actions are.

Apologies if ive missed it but how old are the children?

Another one here who goes with the guidelines hulababy gave (I.e.all or less than half). Given that the OP has ruled out all the extenuating circumstances, the I would say yes, it does indeed send a very clear message to both the DC and their parents, and it's not one that I find palatable.

In which case if its bwcause they haven't had a party themselves that's very cruel.

There are many reasons, money, family circumstances, time their birthday falls, other commitments etc why a child may not have a party themselves

Not the remotest possibility of forgetting any kid's name or existence so that isn't the reason and anyway you can always send additional invites once it becomes apparent.

This is not about why, I'm just asking, after putting all the information in front of you, "AIBU to think it sends a very pointed message ?"

I don't want to go into where I am in all of this, just AIBU, now that you have as much info as I can possibly give you.

It's all very well saying it's just three kids BUT there could be cousins/neighbours going so they really could be on the limit numbers wise and when you throw in party bags, pass the parcel prices, games prices, size of cake etc it's not just an extra £30.

Unless you can absolutely be sure that it was a " we wrrebt invited to your party so ner ner ner" style attitude I don't think we can really say much

Not the remotest possibility of forgetting any kid's name or existence - how do you know that? It would be interesting to know exactly what part you are playing in this.

Do kids really get left out for having special needs such as/ASD ? Thank goodness my ASD son is going to a special school from September he starts reception the whole class has ASD ! This has always happened though I remember being in junior four I,m now fourty and a girl had a whole class party just to leave out the two girs she considered swots a lot of those she invited including me she didn't really like but she wanted to make a point nice .

If you are the host, then YABU - why would you want to send a pointed message?

If you are the parent of one of the excluded children, YANBU to think that it sends a pointed message, even if that was not the intent.

If you are the parent of a non-excluded child - why do you care whether it sending a pointed message or not (other than general curiosity)?

If you are just an onlooker - again, why do you care (as above)?

Are your kids really just friends with kids on that one school? Mine has friends at other schools , numbers are always 1/4 full before we even think about her class

The kids, from experience, are old enough to be taking it personally.

Perhaps the mother works full time, has 3 or 4 children, had about 5 minutes to organise the party. She asked the child for the names of the kids in class, thinking the child would be able to remember who he spends 6 hours a day with, obviously not. She wrote the invites standing on the train whilst commuting and never realised/can't be bothered to check she has everyone because she doesn't actually know the kids and other mums, apart from a few, rarely acknowledge her at the school gates because she is a working mum and never has time to chat on the rare times her kids don't go to after school club and she actually picks them up. She invited the friends, extended the invites to those who had invited her kid and left it at that, moving on to more pressing matters. Just a thought.

Who gave out the invitations? In our case the teacher took them and passed them out, and some kids still didn't seem to have one after the rest got theirs. I'm reasonably friendly with parents so was checking in, 'did xx get the invite to DS's party?' with a lot of people.

Any possibility there that invites have been lost?

good thought sapat - many people seem to be too self absorbed to consider other people's situations

The only pointed message it can send is that the organising parent is very rude.

It can't send a message about behaviour as you say there isn't an issue with the missing dcs' behaviour. It can't send a message about only inviting those who have already held a party, as you say others have been invited who didn't have a party this year.

So if I was the parent of a missed dc, I would think my dc had been snubbed but I wouldn't know why and I wouldn't know how to get to the bottom of it.

It's a pointed but cryptic message that's been sent.

Sapat, your scenario couldn't be further from the reality, on every single count, in this case.

OP, what pointed message do you think they are trying to send? You must have some theory. If I was convinced there was no bullying, no fall outs, no age/cost restrictions, no special needs....then my automatic reaction would be to assume it's a mistake of some sort. But you clearly seem to think it's not something as innocent as that. Is the birthday child the type of person who likes to exclude others for no reason?

how do you know that starter? do tell? are you that mother who has not invited 3 children?

3 children excluded, no missing invitations, fact.

I think it sends a very pointed message that the party host considers the 3 children to be outcasts/not one of us/doesn't fit in.