To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

[starterforeight]

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

it's no wonder we have so many wedding threads! just look on 20 years for this child...

Has anyone here held an All Class Party and left out one child?

I'm not sure it sends a message- only if all three have something in common that the rest of the invited don't have.
But it's not nice.
I work with a woman who excludes people from social occasions that other colleagues/ friends are invited to. She's a controlling bth though and hopefully more people will see her for what she is.

Are people saying its understandable to exclude bullies and kids with SN's? They're acceptable reasons?
Sorry if I'm wrong as I've not read the whole massively long thread.

People are saying it's OK to exclude bullies, no one said it's ok to exclude DCs with SNs.

How depressing that inclusion is seen by some as something to be done with an effort on a specially set aside day, and not something that should come as naturally as breathing

Oh my lord now the bullied child is actually the bully because they don't want to be around the bully.

LegoSuperstar - we've been in that situation and we just invited a few friends to my DSs' party. It sucks but no good would have come of just excluding the one child. Really.

I agree, I have to make quite a large effort to be inclusive when it comes to children who call my DS a retard. If be startled if it came naturally to anyone.

I excluded one girl on dds last birthday because she spent all last year calling my DD names, she pinched her, pulled her hair, kicked her, refused to let her join in games at break-time, made the other girls gang up on her, told tales to the teachers and her mum who threatened to punch me in the middle of the playground in front of all the other parents because she tried to make out my DD was bullying her!
In her class there are 20 boys and 8 girls, this girl has to be top dog at everything and is very much a teachers pet.
My dd however spent last year so afraid of school she would pee herself.
Too right I let my DD have a birthday party free of this girl.

Back to this thread again and really can't see that Maryz point is so difficult to get.

No, you don't have to invite the bully - but in order not to exclude/bully yourself, then instead have a smaller party. It's really not that difficult.

If, however, you (AND your child) do feel up to it, and have the resources to marshall said bully, you may find that act has positive consequences (for the bully, for your child, and for the wider community, both short and longer term). But, you don't have to!

Well ive booked DS's party for next year and I've settled on 6 attendees inc DS. This is down to cost and avoiding all this political crap of parties being responsible for re-habilitating the class bully.

Im very happy with my decision as DS is made up what we have booked and has plenty time to think about who to invite.

That sounds a perfect solution, hope your DS enjoys his party!

I do realise the idea of rehabilitating the bully is a bit of a stretch (especially if your DC has been very badly bullied - and in any case it's not like one party is likely to do if). Just like the idea of trying to attempt it if it's at all feasible (not yet been in that position myself I admit).

Invite who the hell you want and expect the repercussions. I am so glad my Dcs are beyond this stage.

Well Ive thought more about this since last night. My DS was out playing yesterday on the estate (a new thing). Some boys came along and were not very nice to my DS. He told me how he responded and how he felt, in particular the actions of his friend. We have talked about how bullies behave or just badly behaved kids at school who seem to get into trouble a lot (name on the board etc, kept in at break-time). We have also talked about why children behave differently and those which are deemed to be 'naughty' by DS.

So I can understand why some people may feel a party invite is one way to help break a cycle of bullying or an opportunity to shape behaviour. I dont think there is anything wrong with this. I try to give my DS an understanding and a presence of mind to know what to do if he feel intimidated. I still think his party should be ringfenced.

I've been thinking about this, and I'm having a little bit of a rethink.

In large classes, it's fine to invite less than half, if you want to miss someone out.

But what happens if you are in a small classroom? If there are only a few children of your DC's gender?

I've been faced with a difficult child (child difficult but manageable, but mother difficult and incredibly unmanageable), and one time I only invited a few, mixed gender, to the birthday activity. The other time I invited all the boys, but he didn't come, for which I was relieved.

That's a difficult child, who would upset and hurt my child relatively frequently but was ok when monitored closely by the school (they would occasionally get lax and the behaviour would immediately start again). But that was behavioural issues exacerbated by problematic parenting (so having the parent there wouldn't help, in fact it would actually hinder and the child would behave worse knowing that no one would be able to say anything to them without the mother losing the plot at them).

If it was a child that deliberately bullied my child to the point where my child was in constant tears, didn't want to go to school etc. then I would stop being PC about it and wouldn't invite them. If it was a small class and there weren't other children that I didn't want to invite then they would be the only boy/child that wouldn't be invited.

If someone took umbrage with that (parent of child, or school) I would ask what actions they were taking to stop this behaviour that was causing my child to suffer.

I hope I didn't sound flippant up there where I posted I know it must feel hurtful to be left out, and if I was throwing a party for the entire class, I would not really want anyone left out. But we never did large class parties for our children, just a few close friends.

I think there are few people who can actually afford a whole class party these days, epecially when they get to a certain age and want to do 'cool stuff'