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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a children at weddings AIBU...

253 replies

Thisisntmyrealnamexy · 23/07/2014 10:14

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry. Blush

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

OP posts:
PedlarsSpanner · 23/07/2014 10:18

Ok that's fine, your wedding etc but if the ceremony is in a Church you can't 'ban' from attending (a public space)

Make the wording clear, be prepared for some folks to decline.

TeacupDrama · 23/07/2014 10:18

no children full stop or no children under 10 or whatever I hardly think a 9. 11 or 13 year old would disturb service in my opinion it would be under 5's that are the risk of not sitting still etc

HayDayQueen · 23/07/2014 10:20

I wouldn't challenge it, would quite enjoy a child free wedding TBH.

Would people be travelling far? The difficulty you face is when people are away from their home territory, because what do they do with their DC for the ceremony? You will be effectively telling them that they aren't welcome, themselves.

Does the church have a hall/Sunday school area? Because you could get someone to look after the children for the duration of the ceremony. That way people get to bring their DC, but they aren't actually in the church for the ceremony.

That way the darling DC can get to see you in your dress after the ceremony and they can't use lack of childcare as an excuse.

win/win!!!!

plantsitter · 23/07/2014 10:20

To be honest it would be annoying to have them in some bits and not others because one parent would have to miss the ceremony too.

I think make the whole thing child free as this is fine as long as you understand people might not make it.

TeacupDrama · 23/07/2014 10:21

echoing pedlars comment absolutely anyone can attend a church ceremony of course most passers by would force themselves into church but legally I think you could not send them away

hoobypickypicky · 23/07/2014 10:21

No, it wouldn't bother me as I totally agree with your thinking.

If anyone challenged me after I'd made myself clear about my plans for my own wedding I'd consider them very rude and be re-thinking whether I wanted to invite them at all!

Unfortunately, some one might object. You've almost certainly read on here of some awesome rages, demands and sob stories from parents of PFBs to PsixthBs!

IMHO they can challenge and object all they like. This is the one day where you and your DP get to set the rules. They have the option of not attending if they don't like it.

TurboWithAKick · 23/07/2014 10:21

Bear in mind .... What are people expected to do with their children whilst they attend your wedding on a , presumably, weekend day? Childcare is closed. Families not often nearby ( or all at the wedding)

Then they are expected to grab their kids to attend a reception...

blackteaplease · 23/07/2014 10:21

I totally agree about noisy kids spoiling wedding ceremonies but for me, I would rather a blanket no kids or all kids welcome. Getting childcare for just the ceremony would be a nightmare, especially if I had to travel to the wedding.

Also agree with pp, you can't ban people from a church.

McFox · 23/07/2014 10:22

We had a child free wedding, no-one cared that they weren't invited and it was a brilliant, grown up party as a result. If that's what you want, go for it, just make sure that people know well in advance (we sent out save the date cards 6 months in advance).

TurboWithAKick · 23/07/2014 10:22

I'm happy with child free btw, just trying to put myself in others shoes

TattyDevine · 23/07/2014 10:22

What plantsitter said.

Plus its true you can't dictate who attends a church, though if it is your specific wish it would be a bit random for people to bring them anyway.

MidniteScribbler · 23/07/2014 10:22

The difficulty is that if you ban them from the ceremony but not the reception, that could involve people having to try and find babysitters for an hour, or are you secretly hoping that people will just say 'oh we won't bother bringing them at all'.

I think you either invite people to your wedding or you don't. All this being invited to one part and not the other is getting ridiculous.

Abra1d · 23/07/2014 10:24

Just don't invite them to any of it. An exception might be breastfeeding or very small babies.

TattyDevine · 23/07/2014 10:24

I'm a bit all or nothing with children and weddings personally. Either welcome them all, under any circumstances, let them run around, make noise, add to the general atmosphere, even get them an entertainer if necessary, enjoy watching them dancing on the dancefloor long after everyone is completely sizzled and admire their ability to stay up late and dance all night.

Or ban them completely, no child noise, no child atmosphere, so a quieter, classier affair, with no exceptions, where all the adults can let their hair down without having to worry, albeit some will possibly not be able to make it.

I think things get most difficult when you try and cherry pick...its a pain in the arse, and often easier to not bring them at all.

Groovee · 23/07/2014 10:25

Where is your ceremony to be held?

Dh's friends had family only at the ceremony but invited everyone else to join them at the hotel for the meal onwards.

Primafacie · 23/07/2014 10:25

^^ what Midnite said.

hoobypickypicky · 23/07/2014 10:25

" I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony"

Give them the chance to plan ahead. Don't wait until you issue invitations, if guests make those sort of comments respond with "We won't be having children attending the ceremony itself but it will be lovely to see them all at the reception of course". At least that way the parents have plenty of warning and can arrange for childcare/discuss with OHs what they plan to do.

SaucyJack · 23/07/2014 10:25

I think it's fine. At the last wedding I went to a 6 month old was bawling so loudly we couldn't hear the "I do".

It's the one day where you can make it about you.

curiousgeorgie · 23/07/2014 10:26

I would be totally happy with a children wedding and I have 2 young children...

I'm quite lucky in that I never have a problem with childcare though (3 sets of grandparents and lots of friends, Aunties & uncles very locally) but thinking about some of my friends, they would have to decline or just one of them attend.

Nice idea up thread about getting a babysitter of some kind during the ceremony but don't know how practical that would be depending on your venue etc?

Legionofboom · 23/07/2014 10:27

I think you either invite people to your wedding or you don't. All this being invited to one part and not the other is getting ridiculous.

This.

Annoying to have to find a babysitter for an hour or to have one parent miss the ceremony. Is there anywhere nearby for the kids to spend the time?

curiousgeorgie · 23/07/2014 10:27

Child free wedding! Not children wedding....

Everard · 23/07/2014 10:28

As someone used to Catholic Masses, where the sound of children can often be heard, I think you are being rather precious. Why would a little noise 'interrupt the ceremony' and mean you will never get the moment back?

I also agree with a PP that you can't ban children from a public place.

OTOH, I am well aware that the prevailing opinion on MN is, your wedding, your choice. You do need to seriously consider though that some people may decline purely on this basis. Only you can say how important their presence is to you and weigh it up against the chance that one child might make a little noise when you are saying your vows.

I have to declare an interest: I am feeling quite bitter about it at the moment, having recently received a 'no children' invite myself. My children are older now, not going to cause any noise at all, the wedding is a family member, I am old fashioned enough to think that weddings should be about families and children and while mine are old enough to leave for a few hours, I would prefer to attend with them... I guess I will go, I just wish I didn't have to exclude my own children.

mupperoon · 23/07/2014 10:28

We didn't want children at our wedding and had to tell some very fond parents that they couldn't bring their 1 year olds and toddlers. No-one refused to come because of it. It just wasn't a family kind of wedding.

But logistically, unless all your invitees live locally, I don't see how you could have kids at the reception but not the ceremony.

Preciousbane · 23/07/2014 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiousgeorgie · 23/07/2014 10:30

Abra - I think young babies make the most noise though Winkwe were invited to a wedding when DD2 was a few weeks old (she was invited) but thought she might be a nightmare so left her with my mum. Took DD1 though (3) and she was an angel through the looooooooong catholic ceremony!

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