It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

If I was invited to the ceremony bit but my DC were not but we were all invited to the reception then I would just go to the reception. Getting a baby sitter for an hour is really difficult and messes the day up.
I have been invited to 2 weddings that were child free, one I couldn't go to as on holiday and the other I went to as it was my DH's DB. I did feel hurt by the second one, my DS was aged 8 and knew how to behave. Every time I see them i think of their wedding and feel annoyed. I didn't or never would say anything and I know my feelings are U.
Obviously people can invite who ever they want but there is the possibility you will piss someone of.

I'm still confused about how many children/what ages you expect to come to the reception (as they are the only ones at issue re the ceremony).

Just make the whole thing child free then. I love my dc but prefer to go to weddings without them as they are noisy little things

I'm another who enjoys child-free weddings, though I'd make it for all of the day to avoid added problems/angst. You'll certainly get folk insisting that they should be an exception because of x, y or z, but it's your decision to make as long as you accept that some may decline for this reason

You know yours guests best, but unfortunately not every parent can be relied on to take an upset child outside, and I guess most of us will have attended a reception where screaming, running youngsters disrupt things

I realise it wouldn't work for everyone, but many parents actively enjoy attending a lovely day without having to worry about their little ones

One day, hopefully you will have DCs of your own, you'll be desperate for some adult company and not a babysitter within sight and then you will understand!

I dont get why people think they'd need a babysitter for an Hour
Surely if you're not a lone parent one of you would miss the service & the other would go
Most blokes I know can't stand weddings anyway so it'd probably by a ceremony full of colourful hats & no blokes

I would not be "bothered" but I might not be able to attend as I have no babysitters whatsoever. Not one...also no money to pay for one.

I'm still confused about how many children/what ages you expect to come to the reception (as they are the only ones at issue re the ceremony).

That I definitely know of? Two (at time of ceremony aged 18mths and 6 years, approx). There are more but those couples have said they will be coming without their DC. Although there may be more as I don't know some of DP's friends well enough to know if they have kids or not, or if they would want to bring them. I know the amount sounds silly but I don't want to go into too much detail, I know I'm being a pain. :( It is an issue, though.

blackteaplease Other posters have suggested that, maybe asking for the whole thing to be child-free is better. We just thought inviting kids to the reception would be alright, as it's obviously okay for them to run around, scream, have a ball, whatever they like - it's a party. It wasn't meant to inconvenience people.

Agree with the others - make the whole thing child free, it's just easier all round.
Why do you not want kids ruining the service but you're ok with them ruining the speeches?

A few may drop out, understandably, if their kids are very small but child free weddings are pretty common so I doubt anyone will be too shocked

I get so paranoid taking my kids (1 and 3) to weddings as I'm so worried that they are going to make noise and interupt. If someone said no kids, I would be quite relieved. I certainly wouldn't argue. What if I forced my kids in and then they make a noise? OMG I'd feel terrible! We are at a wedding in a few weeks time for a close friend. The kids were invited and I actually had to check if they would mind if we didn't bring them. I'd rather leave them with grandparents than risk them kicking up a fuss during mass. When they are there it also means that I don't actually enjoy the service because I'm just paranoid that they are going to be disruptive.

We've never had it where they have beed invited only to the reception, but to be honest, if I had to find a sitter for the ceremony, I'd just leave them there for the full day. The only issue would be if the wedding was far away. We've had to decline a number of invitations that didn't include the kids because it would have involved a full weekend away and we couldn't expect to leave them with anyone for that length of time. On the other hand, we probably wouldn't have gone even if the kids had been invited (unless it was close family) because the thought of weekend chasing them around a wedding followed by all 4 of us crammed in a hotel room does not appeal. Maybe when they are a few years older that will change though!

I absolutely share your reasoning OP. We had a large number of children in my extended family and it was going to cause issues if we cut invites. In the end, I selected two bridesmaids who were not relations and then did not invite any children except to the evening do........

Well, this was the plan. Then mum's cousin said her mother had bought very expensive dress for toddler daughter to be a flower girl to present a hoseshow. Then cousin on DH's side had issues as she was the only one with a child on one side of that family. A lot didn't come at all because the children weren't invited. I caused so many arguments and yet even without children the day reception with family and close friends on one table came to 120!

My mum was always against children at the service - and when we relented to the one it caused a lot of problems and she was a little sod. My bridesmaids were ace and helped to make the day really special.

So if you DO go with this rationale STICK with your rationale.

Whatever you decide, you need to be absolutely clear about it.

You don't want people who've said they won't bring their kids to change their minds because other kids will be there.

Basically, make a decision, communicate it clearly, that's that.

Why do you not want kids ruining the service but you're ok with them ruining the speeches?

The speeches would be at the dinner, by reception we just mean the party afterwards (sorry if I got that confused, I'm still getting into the planning).

Monkeymummy1 A few guests have said that. :) Although it doesn't involve an overnight stay - wedding during the day, reception/party in the evening. I think I posted this before, but the furthest away guest will only have to travel for an hour, at most, to get there, and we are providing transport for anyone not driving (although there is public transport nearby as well).

Also need to define what is a "child". Under 10s? Under 8s?

This reminds of a time I was excluded from a wedding invitation....

My brother and I are the two youngest of some 30-odd cousins on my Mum's side. When one of them was getting married (now 15 years or so ago), we were both excluded as it was a child-free affair, while all the older cousins made the grade as adults

The bride-to-be was therefore absolutely mortified when, during her planning stage, we all got together at an unrelated family event and she realised I was, in fact, 21 years old, nearly finished university, earning my own money, living independently, in a longterm relationship, chucking my own money in for wine kitties (and any other markers associated with being an adult).

In her words - "You've always been 13 in my head". An invitation was hastily produced.

I have had to turn down 3 wedding invitations this year due to childcare issues. Contrary to what some posters on here think you are not doing the parents a favour specifying child free you are merely taking away their choice over whether to bring them. If they want to "let there hair down" they could always just not bring them, invite or not.

That said I actually like the idea of not bringing them to te ceremony but having them there at the party. I would happily wait outside with the children or dp would depending on who was closest to bride/groom.

I would chat to those involved if it's only a couple of people. If it was just on the invites I would read it as you don't really want children there at all but are too polite to say so would probably decline.

Galaxymum and plantsitter We will, we're planning on saying no kids at the ceremony, and are happy to explain why if anyone asks. It will be o everyone's invitation, regardless. :)

Also Galaxymum, we did worry about inviting some children and not others as it may cause arguments. Sorry to hear what happened, but I'm glad your bridesmaids helped out.

so the kids are not invited to eat either.. I would not be going at all.

Make that VERY clear on your invites - to most people the reception is straight after the wedding and involves food and speeches!

We had a child-free wedding op. Everyone came, no one complained and everyone had a great adult time!

Oh. I see you mean children only at the evening party. In my circumstances you might as well say the whole day child-free then.

So is it ceremony, dinner, party and DC just at the party?

Yes I agree about making the invites very, very clear who is invited and to exactly what.

It seems like a nonsense to have children at one part of the wedding and not another - that makes it very awkward for parents. Why not just say no children and then parents can decide whether to come or not with no extra hassle.

I'd just keep it simple and have a child free wedding. Otherwise people would have to just organise childcare for the ceremony which is complicated!

I had a child free wedding. Although it was a bit more complicated because we had four nephews who needed to come because of course all our family were coming too! We just said something like 'due to the size of the venue we can only accommodate children of immediate family and we hope you understand'.

We did it for numbers reasons rather than noise/disruption (although in part I was thinking that too). I was 35 when I got married and most of our friends already had 2 kids by then (some had 3!). If we had invited all kids it would have added 35 people to our numbers!

People were absolutely fine about it because we gave loads of notice.

One friend contacted me and asked if it was ok to bring her 8 week old son who was being breastfed and too young to leave. Of course that was fine by us so he came and was cooed over thoroughly. But she's a good friend and I know they would have taken him out if he had cried during a quiet ceremony moment! PLus at that age all they do is eat and sleep. You might want to be ready for that scenario to happen (and decide what your answer would be!).

JustAShopGirl There will be a buffet and drinks at the party, only guests from the ceremony will be at the meal. We have around 20 guests each, DP and I. It's only close friends and family.

MrsBungle That's good to know I like hearing that child-free weddings can go without some guests being upset!

Chicken Yes, ceremony & dinner would be adults (as oldest child is around 6, we wouldn't need to specify what age 'adult' would be), and party would be kids. Sorry if I caused confusion with that before. :)

Weddings without children are one of two things, I've found - either boozy, lairy affairs or just plain dull. Children bring life to celebrations.

But the weddings that make me really cross are the 'child-free except for a select group of children' weddings. I went to one of those last year where the vast majority of kids weren't invited except for the bride's niece and nephew - that just smacks of 'your kids aren't important enough' which annoyed me for some reason.

But the opinions on child-free weddings here are so varied you can never please everyone.