It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

Thanks for your opinions everyone, including the ones saying I'm/we're being U, it's good to get different opinions. :) I can't remember everyone's username to reply individually but I'll try to answer everything here!

Our wedding isn't in a church, it's a non-religious ceremony. It's not about excluding people, I fully expect members of the public milling around outside as rest of the venue and places nearby will obviously have people visiting. The venue staff have said the public (people not attending) will be asked not to take photos but to be honest, I think I would be beyond flattered if a tourist asked to have a photo taken with me/us, I've seen people doing this on holiday and I think it's nice.

One poster said I sound precious, I'm honestly not! Believe it or not, I've done a lot of babysitting, will happily spoil friends' babies/kids, have days out with them, etc. We're not a selfish couple at all. As for being a bridezilla, DP was the one who suggested this first, and I agreed. Nothing on my day, apart from this, will be "dictated", for want of a better word. For example, BM will be helping me choose their outfits so they feel comfortable in what they're wearing.

We don't want to say "only kids under/over [age]" as I think that will upset people with DC outside that age bracket. Saying we don't want any kids there at all seems fairer. I know I said I didn't want to specify, but we only have one or 2 people attending, who have DC. If they don't want to attend, I fully understand. I won't be upset, it's their choice. The people affected won't be coming with family, so babysitting (probably) wouldn't be an issue.

I get the feeling as well that some people think we want all eyes to be on us. Although I do want attention in the sense of "doesn't she look nice", the normal bride stuff, it's actually a low-key event with less than 45 guests, including families. I'm too shy for and OTT "OMG check her out" kind of thing.

MrsSpencerReid I know that might happen, and the reception only thing isn't to discourage people from coming. :)

Bayrans I don't mind a child free wedding (in fact I quite like them) but that bit about letting your hair down for a night like you're doing ME a favour gets right on my tits. Actually you're inconveniencing me enormously but it's ok cos I want to come to your wedding.

If it is only one or two people then i wouldn't worry too much , they may decide to get a babysitter and come to the reception on their own anyway .

Listen it's your wedding. If you don't want kids at it, then don't have them. We had a child-free wedding and it was just fine. If people don't come, that's their decision.
Do not worry over this, just make your decision and be done with it.

amy We're not having a car, and only 2 friends at most would be affected.

MidniteScribbler It's nice to know that you think we're selfish and grabby, but no, we're not asking for presents as it's enough to have people make the effort to attend. DP hates the idea of a wedding list, as do I. It will also be made clear that by coming to the wedding, we're happy. We have a home and don't need anything.

To posters who asked how far it was from home, the furthest away guest will only have to travel, at most, an hour to reach the venue. We are providing transport there and back for guests without cars, or who can drive but want to drink.

Pedlars I love the haiku!

We had completely child free except my neice and nephew and my husbands neice and nephew. Decision made not due to me wanting all the attention on me, ( my nephew stole the day during the speeches anyway which people still comment to me about) but due to us having to invite an extra 25 people if we invited all of the associated children - we only had 70 to start with!

We gave people nearly a years notice (Feb for a December wedding) only one couple didn't come due to childcare issues and most of my friends with little ones ranging from 6 months to 7 years all told me before invites were sent out not to invite children as they wouldn't bring them anyway!

I guess you know your friends and how they will react - I do agree unless you are close to the home of most people bits would be more difficult for parents to deal with than a blanket ban.

I have frequently babysat for my sister for her and her husband to go to weddings so they can go without little ones even if they are invited as she finds it more enjoyable without 2 under 5's and they won't enjoy it either!

deakymom thats a great idea .i personally had children .didnt mind well i could hardly ban our toddler son lol.but if you dont want that its your wedding do what you agree on .

we had everyone come kids and all... our choice...

when we said our vows, my niece (1) gurgled loudly during the "does anyone have just reason.. " bit, making everyone laugh, followed shortly by thunder and lightening, making everyone roll their eyes - and then came a massive rain storm

none of it "ruined our day"

I have missed many weddings due to the child free thing - but have never had the "don't bring the kids to come see us wed, just for the party" invite...

tak1ngchances Thanks :) we're going to go ahead with it, but I wanted to know the general opinion. It will be a shame if people can't come, but again, it's their decision.
I'm glad to hear your child-free wedding went fine, hope that when we tell people, ours will be okay too!

I think you should either have a child free wedding or don't, rather than oh you can come to this bit but not this bit. And I yes I did have a child free wedding.

Are people travelling? If so what are you expecting them to do with their kids for the ceremony? They can't leave them on their own.

To be honest some people probably just won't come, but as long you're prepared for that. I'm perfectly happy to leave DS for the whole day. I wouldn't leave my newborn. I think you're better off saying no kids apart from newborn babies, as that's what we did. They don't tend to make noise either.

I think banning children under 5 is a lot more understandable than leaving a 9 year old out, they would feel very bad like you can't trust them to behave and they have to be left out because a 2 year old might cry, I think it is much easier to say no under 3,4,or 5's over that i just can not imagine hem being a problem

All or nothing, as a general rule, in my opinion. Logistics can be terribly complicated otherwise.

We chose nothing, we wanted a quiet elegant Michelin-starred-and-cigars affair, and our venue didn't allow children for dinner. However, we made an exception for a breastfeeding child during the day (I don't mean that to come across as pseudo-gracious, BTW). The parents left when we went in to dinner - their choice, venue would have allowed baby to stay. We had one couple decline owing to lack of child care.

I would say that it wasn't the thought of ceremony noise that prompted it though. I was so wrapped up with staring into my husband's eyes, there could have been an earthquake and I wouldn't have noticed. I made my vows to him, not to the general audience.

As it happens, the baby guest didn't make a peep. Can understand toddlers being a different proposition though.

as it seems it will only be about 3-5 children you must know their ages and can decide and speak directly to the parents it will not need to be on invite if only applies to 2 families

Have a totally child free wedding not this half arsed one. Either in or out.

If prefer no children, the last wedding in was at had a couple and one family just would not take their screaming brat out and it really ruined the vows I think.

So it's only one or two children who might be at the ceremony? Couldn't you just have a word with their parents about noise? Seems like taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut..

YANBU, I would prefer a child-free ceremony as I've been to several where small children (up to the age of about 8/9, I think) were quite disruptive in one way or another (usually not intentionally, although there was this one child at my cousin's wedding who thought it was his aim in life to disrupt everything ), and it meant that people immediately around them, and depending on the noise level, everyone else, missed important bits of the ceremony which was a shame. Agree with pp re creche-type provision if you are specifying this - our church has a hall and lots of volunteers who actually offered this for ours (didn't need it as not many friends had kids when we got married).

To the people saying churches can't stop people coming in... Is this normal, specific to a type of church, or something? Genuine question. The vergers apparently did stop tourists from wandering in during the ceremony at my wedding (CoE church) even though it wasn't something that we'd ever considered or requested and only found out about from guests later, but then at my friend's Catholic church wedding, there were tourists wandering up the aisle taking photos, talking and blocking everyone's view including whilst they were exchanging vows. The MoB had to ask them to be quiet so she could hear her daughter getting married! That was the first time I'd ever seen this happen, so I had assumed that normally churches don't let strangers wander in during a wedding ceremony and my friend's church had overlooked something... Does it happen a lot? Maybe I've just not noticed at other weddings...

MaidOfStars I do see your point, we didn't want to come across as disliking children, which is why we want to have them at the reception. It's only the ceremony that we want to be adults-only.

Of the 2 guests (and their DPs) who have kids, one will be around 18mths at time of wedding, the other will be around 6. Both couples are friends, so their families won't be attending, so I don't think childcare would be an issue.

You could offer to put on some kind of creche activity / kids activities near the ceremony or the reception venue; so basically people can attend the ceremony as you want it, and not have one parent miss out. In the whole costs of a wedding, not a lot extra.

Also need to define what is a "child". Under 10s? Under 8s?

Igggi I think there will only be 2 guests with kids who will want to bring them, unless DP's friends do. I know most of them but I have no idea if some of them have children, or not.

Other people, bar the 2 I mentioned, have kids, but I haven't included them as being affected by this as they have said that they want to attend without them.

It also depends on the children in question - I knew at least two of the children we would have invited would not have been able to sit quietly, not disrupt, and would not have been contained by parents and been allowed to scream and shout at any points. Some of these are not less than 5 and no SN either.

Unfair on those who do know how to behave and look after their children but it did form part of the decision process.

nigerdelta I might look into this, if possible, maybe the venue would be able to make a suggestion. :) True that childcare for a couple of little ones wouldn't cost much.

We also reminded guests that's its a celebration and to let their hair down and have fun with us for one night.

This would irritate me. It's not up to you to dictate how I should / shouldn't have fun, especially if you're essentially demanding I spend £many on a babysitter / leave partner at home with kids.

It's your day, you decide what goes! You can have as many ridiculous rules as you like (not that I think child free is ridiculous) as you are footing the bill :)

As long as you accept that not everyone will be able or will not want to fit in with those rules and may well decline.

It's your day, it's about your marriage and you're footing the bill, so you have every right to invite whomever you like to whatever you like so I would probably roll my eyes and do as I was instructed, and if we couldn't get a babysitter we would politely decline the invitation without any complaint.

If you have to divide the invitations between the two parts of the day, it would make more sense to me if the reception were child-free, because the B&G want a proper knees-up, or something more sophisticated. DH and I would make the most of the opportunity for a grown-up night out.

Traditionally everybody in the community is entitled to be at the ceremony. To me that is part of the specialness of it, and often it's the cause of the memorable or romantic moments that can't be manufactured or bought.

I went to a wedding the other year where one of the children ran up the aisle during the vows shouting 'Mummy! I need a wee!' It was the bride and groom's son. Everybody chuckled, Grandma took son to the toilet and the ceremony continued.

At another, 25 years ago, the bride accidentally trod on her dress as she was getting up from kneeling. 'Oh shit!' she said, then more loudly 'Oh fuck!' when she realised everyone heard her first outburst.

And another one, nearly 40 years ago, my great uncle came via the supermarket, complete with his shopping in Tesco carrier bags. My dad and sister spent the ceremony stifling uncontrollable giggles.

These are the wedding ceremonies I remember and we still talk about. The micro-managed ones with well-behaved guests, all on-message with their behaviour and outfits, they're perfectly pleasant, but they just all blur into one another.