It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

HaydayQueen suggestion would be a good compromise if possible.

Our marriage ceremony is to be a grown up affair
Hence our insistence on no children there
Bring them along to our evening do
We'll have a ball, your children, too

Meh

Haiku?

No kids at wedding
We want a childfree moment
To focus on us

Hmmmmm

I think that's fine as long as you understand it may prohibit some parents being at the ceremony and only coming to the reception.

Are you happy to have fewer adults at the ceremony too, as one parent will obviously be waiting outside with the children?
I had a child-free wedding myself - well just one, my own! - but they simply weren't invited rather than being invited to bits.

This would bother me very much and I'd think you were being utterly and totally unreasonable.

I don't want to be stuck outside with the DCs, I want to be inside holding DHs hand, remembering our Wedding day and celebrating Yours.

I want my DDs to understand that weddings are about making solemn promises as well as photo's, pretty dresses and partying. Children aren't stupid, any little girl over 3 will have watched enough Disney, to know they are being treated as a second class citizen. DD1 certainly would have and she'd have been quietly pissed off (she likes quiet grown up things). Both DDs would be seriously pissed off if they didn't get to see the pictures outside the church. As I ssy DDs have seen too much Disney.

Wedding services aren't very long and there's lots to watch, most DCs older than tiny babies will be fine.

Also the loggistics of knowing when to be where and getting some parts of your family (extended familly if you are giving lifts) to different bits of a wedding, parking and finding something to do all dressed up are a nightmare.

You can't take DDs in posh frocks to the park.

Please, please don't do it!

I think it is perfectly acceptable to ban ask for no children at the ceremony and allow them at the reception. Assuming by children you mean under 3s (3+ should be able to hold their tongues for 45mins). Yes it means one of the parents will miss the ceremony, but tbh enough people just sit through the ceremony to get to the fun part that they prob won't mind. And if they do mind then then tough - your wedding your rules.

I guess it depends on how many you think there will be. If there are only a few with babies, maybe consider speaking to them, say sorry, but you went to a wedding where a babies screamed through the ceremony and it has made you irrationally bothered by it, and therefore could they sit at the back and take baby out asap if they start bawling.

If I was invited to your wedding I wouldn't challenge you about it but I would decline the invite as my youngest 2 children can't be left.

Tbh I'd miss ur ceremony and just turn up to the reception then.

We made the mistake of inviting only close children to our wedding, causing a riot with DH's family (although MIL kindly kept it from us until years later - bless her!).

We really should have agreed all or none, but just had godchildren, and immediate nieces/nephews.

One niece whined on occasions through the ceremony (she was only 2) and someone else took her out. Although some friends did comment upon it, I can honestly say that DH and I were totally unaware of anything other than ourselves during the ceremony.

You wont notice children making noise during your vows. At my wedding either none of the 20 children ranging in age from 0-10 made a squeak, or I was too wrapped up in the moment to notice. It was the latter! Some aunties of mine were tutting and moaning later on to me about all the noise. I was oblivious to it all!

Invite them to all or nothing in my opinion.

HayDayQueen's suggestion is the only viable one if you're asking people to travel, and even then I'd be a bit funny about leaving my baby with someone I'd only just met two seconds ago. I'd imagine you'll find people will actually bring very small ones in with them and leave older ones to be looked after.

I agree with the PP who said you're setting yourself up for trouble if people have to find some way of looking after their LOs for an hour and then can bring them to the reception. Really, I think you need to do all or nothing.

..we didn't invite dcs as it was a very small wedding in a small venue, if children had come it would have doubled the numbers. We were able to invite everyone to the whole day (no controversial evening invites) because of this.

The centre of attention, that’s where we want to be,
So we can’t invite your children, we’re sure you will agree.
They run and they laugh, they sniffle and cry.
We’d hate for your precious to make our day go awry.
You need to understand, this day belongs to us
So do as you’re told, don’t make a fuss.
Leave your children at home, don’t inflict them on my day.
And don’t forget the present, that’s the modern wedding way.

I think when you get out your wedding car to go into the church & see half your friends standing there with their kids because they're spouse is inside watching your wedding you'll feel bad

I would just come to the reception and miss the ceremony, unless you were going to say the same for the speeches as well?

I think it's fine as Long as you don't moan about people declining or coming after the ceremony.

We specified no children at our wedding, no one complained, not that we're aware of anyway.

We stated that whilst children would be welcome for the evening reception, no entertainment would be provided for them and to bear in mind that our wedding and reception was in Central London with no outside space for children either.

We also reminded guests that's its a celebration and to let their hair down and have fun with us for one night.

It's your wedding, have it how you want.

Are most of your guests going to be local ? or are you inviting parents who are going to be travelling a long way to get to the wedding ? Do you know anyone who works in a nursery locally , i know my neighbour does occasional babysitting /childcare on a weekend , may be you could ask a few nursery nurses if they could provide childcare for the time the ceremony is happening ?

At the end of the day it is entirely up to you what you decide to do , i can just see it being a bit awkward for some people , i guess it depends on how much you value their friendship and attendance .

Yes picklepest has it Tbh I'd miss ur ceremony and just turn up to the reception then

The thing is, Marmoset, that by the time the baby's been taken out because it started screaming it's too late, the damage has been done.

"How did the ceremony go"

"It was lovely - until Sue's baby started screaming and everyone turned as she clip clopped out of the church in her high heels right in the middle of the vows"

or

"Wonderful until Alfie started shouting that he needed a wee NOW during the reading"

or

"Just perfect, thank you".

the best child-free wedding wedding i heard of was when the bride and groom paid a group of childminders to look after kids in the church annex they got to watch the bride arrive and throw the confetti at the end everyone had a good time and apparently cost a hell of a lot less than the photographer

Your wedding - your way.
If childcare is an issue then the guests don't come. I have had to miss weddings because of this. It was sad but I accepted the couple's decision. IME when my children weren't invited to the ceremony they weren't invited to the reception either.

We didn't ban kids from our ceremony and I kind of wish we had - a friend's 3mth old screamed the place down (cathedral wedding so noise echoing in the rafters) to the point DH and I could barely hear each other. Why she didn't take him out I don't know.

With hindsight I would have tasked a couple of close friends with being the Screaming Baby Gestapo - and got them to actually ASK the offending parents to leave.

My sil wanted us to do this, there was no way I could get child care just for the ceremony so declined the invite for the whole day. If you don't want children that's up to you, but be aware it may mean some adults can't come either