It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

Sorry but I don't think I'll reply any more. I truly appreciate all your input, and thanks to everyone who gave their opinion. :)
People telling me my wedding plans sound like a 'nightmare' has me almost in tears. I thought we were doing alright but clearly not. And I apologise for not being up to speed on my wedding terminology, I'm completely new to this.

I think DC are just invited to the end bit.

If someone invited me to a wedding but not my children then I wouldn't be going. And I would be wondering whether that person was actually someone I wanted to be part of my life anyway

Christ almighty. Over-reaction, much?! Some people don't WANT kids at their wedding full stop, it's not a slight on you as a person or a snub to your kids! Bloody hell.
You wouldn't be much of a friend as it is and they'd be well shot of you if you decided you'd not have them in your life over a WEDDING. Are you surgically attached?
That's ridiculous, sorry!

I think you need to go totally one way or the other really.

What are those guests with children supposed to do with them at the ceremony?

OP I agree. This is your and DPs special day. You are compromising by allowing children at the reception. You are going to give guests notice so they can arrange childcare.

Of course I'm in the same position as you so slightly biased. Of course it depends on the children. The children in my scenario are old enough to know better and perhaps an exception. I realise they are children out there who wouldn't behave like that. (Or get away with it!) But it's your choice. Children are not invited everywhere.

You did ask.. And you did post in AIBU

the op wants the kids at the evening do - not the reception.

The speeches would be at the dinner, by reception we just mean the party afterwards (sorry if I got that confused, I'm still getting into the planning)

Just make it a childfree wedding and have done with it would be my advice. it's a v small adult wedding in a city centre location. There are many things about it that make it unsuitable for any number of children, large or small from running around.

Have a position about what you will do if someone asks if they can bring a very small baby they are feeding. Bear in mind that from 6 months they will also be weaning so will need a high chair at the meal to make a mess.

My wedding was childfree bar one newborn in arms because the parents with children felt that the location of the wedding would make it difficult to manage their children for the day, not because they weren't welcome to be there. If childcare was an issue, they simply didn't come but they didn't hold it against me.

Personally, I agree with Bumpsadaisie though I have also been at weddings where older children 4-8 have been sat up the front in a group to have a good view, then made noise and run around and I've wondered WTF their parents were doing and how people can be so inconsiderate.

People telling me my wedding plans sound like a 'nightmare' has me almost in tears. I thought we were doing alright but clearly not. And I apologise for not being up to speed on my wedding terminology, I'm completely new to this

I think the simplest thing to do is have completely child free, or invite them. Inviting them to one part but not another would cause babysitting problems/headaches for some parents.
If children invited to all, fine. If no children invited, fine but invite them to nothing - that way mum and dad can drop them off at grandma's or wherever and fully relax without lots of ferrying.

Look the comments on terminology are to prevent you from having problems in the future - as you certainly will if, even in conversation, you talk about the evening do as a reception.
Your general wedding plans aren't what people are criticising, they are saying it's confusing and difficult for parents, which it is. It's upto you how much, if any, notice you pay to that. But still worth pointing out that what seems easy to you and a good solution may prove difficult for your guests.
"Treat" yourself to a wedding magazine if you can bear it, and you will have terminology coming out of your ear!

If you had invited me, I would not attend - not because I didn't want to or thought you were being precious! I wouldn't think you rude at all - it's your wedding and I'd want you to have the one you want. But I'd have missed the ceremony and the dinner. If it's just ceremony followed by reception, then I'd go and happily miss the ceremony (the boring bit ). But ceremony, then a dinner after, then reception, is a long time between 'events' and we're looking at a good few hours in which one parent in entertaining kids and the other is attending our friends' special event.

It's as everyone else has said - have the wedding you'd like, just know that you are effectively excluding certain of your friends and relatives. Just how it goes.

If someone invited me to a wedding but not my children then I wouldn't be going. And I would be wondering whether that person was actually someone I wanted to be part of my life anyway

This is an awful thing to say and a total over-reaction. Do you take your kids everywhere with you? Out to dinner with friends etc? It's much the same thing.

...and tears, sadly, seem to be as much a part of wedding plans as cake!
Makes you wonder why anyone does it.

It does seem strange to invite children only to the evening do as that is the bit that parents start to struggle with when kids get tired.

In reality op, this means that people with kids either don't come to the whole thing, just come to evening with kids or leave kids at home completely. I am not against child free weddings, went to a lovely one. But it is 2 children! Six year old will be fine and one baby. Ask your baby friend to sit at back and take baby out if screams.

On a separate note, personally I think it is much nicer to have your wedding somewhere whee members of the public aren't generally visiting, it does detract to have hordes of day trippers there in my experience. Obvious exceptions are iconic places that can't be closed to public.

You object to the term brides ills but unfortunately you just have to suck it up that excluding one baby and one 6 year old is a bit bonkers. 50 kids I can understand

This has actually annoyed me a lot. You say you're being considerate but you're really not. If you want child free absolutely go for it but don't expect people to chop and change childcare all day long. Even the idea of putting on childcare isn't that great since since young children often dislike unfamiliar child carers and parents might not feel that comfortable either having not checked their credentials. Arranging to have a grandparent, aunty or friend to look after the child for the day is feasible for most people but not in this bitty way.

Midnight's poem has bridezilla written all over it. Not only would it make me decline, I may very well question the entire friendship. Self centred entitled egoists are incongruous with my chi.

This is going to sound harsh, but this really isn't a thing to cry about. Some anonymous people on the Internet don't like your plans? Well, they almost certainly aren't invited so it doesn't matter what they think, does it? I'm sure lots of people who were there didn't like specific bits of my wedding but a) they were polite enough not to tell me and b) it doesn't seem to have been bad enough to lose friendships over.

Similarly, I wouldn't describe your plans as a 'nightmare'. I probably wouldn't bother bringing kids to evening only (they would just be grumpy and want to be in bed as little still) so would either leave them with husband or decline your invite, depending on how close I was to you and what else was going on in my life.

Neither has to be this big deal.

I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony

The last wedding I went to I couldn't hear the vows because a toddler was throwing wooden bricks in to a wooden box.

Go for a child free wedding if that is your choice. Yes churches are open to the public but so are magistrates courts.

It's your wedding, have it how you want.

Do it.

I have just sat through an awards assembly at Dd's school and a baby was screeching through the entire thing and was NOT taken out. It was so selfish. These are one off occasions and the words are really important.

Sorry you have been upset here I really wouldn't overthink this. Just say "children are invited to the evening reception only" there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Don't get upset OP, you haven't even sent anything to any guests yet - you are still thinking things through! (hence posting here...)

If YOU want the two children to come to the evening do/party but not the rest then invite them to that bit (but definitely make it clear that they are not invited to the ceremony or reception). Just bear in mind that their parents might think it a bit unusual and not bring them/or decline altogether.

We had a child free wedding, no-one cared that they weren't invited bet lots of people did care, just too polite to say anything.

Well at least the op has a cross section of comments reflecting how her guests will probably feel now. That's gotta be a good thing!

Never understood child free weddings personally, particularly the automatic assumption kids will disrupt the do when a lot of the time it's drunken arseholes who do that.

But, yep, if that's your mindset, go with it the whole hog. Don't cause confusion and additional hassle.

If you do decide to allow babies talk to the parents and make sure that they understand that they need to take their baby out if they are making a noise. It is your wedding, do it the way that you want.

Can I offer a piece of advice ? Try to to get too hung up on one " special moment " which we will " never get back again " . Whether that's saying your vows, or your dad walking you up the aisle or your first dance .

Because things can and do go wrong at weddings, however carefully you plan things. If you have all your hopes pinned on one prefect moment of a perfect day, you will be disappointed. It's not like in the movies, where they repeat everything twenty times until it's right, them edit it.

If you can see your wedding day as a celebration of your marriage , which will hopefully last many years if not a lifetime, then you will be less stressed. Then if one of the bridesmaids faints during the service, your mother sniffs loudly or the celebrant calls you Marie instead of Maria, it won't be the end of the world. It doesn't take away from the love you have for each other.

Your day won't be perfect , but neither will your marriage. But I hope you have a lot of love, laughter, celebration, support , kindness and understanding in them both .

I had the oppposite of a childfree wedding, there were tons of kids all through the day and much of our plans was geared up for that because that was what we wanted. If people don't want that they have every right not to.