It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

YANBU: If I was one of your wedding guests, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Nothing wrong with child-free weddings. Presumably, people have plenty of time in which to arrange childcare?

I hate weddings. I avoid going to them when I can,but I find adult only weddings no worse,and sometimes better,than weddings with children.

Adults are quite capable of having fun without children present.

All or nothing. We recently got an invite to a family wedding which said no dcs other than the brides nephews due to the budget. Pretty shitty really as my 5m old wouldnt have required any food/ highchair. All it did was leave a bad taste in everyones mouths as some were excluded and some not. Plus kids at a ceremony are usually fine as they don't tend to run long. Its the reception thats the nightmare with a tired grumpy baby.

If someone invited me to a wedding but not my children then I wouldn't be going. And I would be wondering whether that person was actually someone I wanted to be part of my life anyway

As AnnaLegovah says, the children help make these ocassions. They can't and don't "ruin" anything. Too many people here who think they are stars in a Hollywood movie and obviously behave like Divas

Congratulations on your impending nuptials!

I love a child free wedding. It's your day and nobody else's. You've given people enough time to sort out child are and they will either decide to come or not. Anyone who could arrange child are but won't come out of principle is not in my opinion worth bothering about.

Have a wonderful day and a long and happy marriage.

Annalegovah i couldnt agree more!! Im still pretty upset that I didnt get to go and the brides lovely nephews apparently squealed all the way through karma

You might end up with one half of a lot of couples having to mooch around with the kids outside the church, or just one half of a lot of couples not coming to the reception at all.

Up to you, but will be an arse-ache for many people and might reduce your numbers.

Not church, venue, sorry.

Don't be so ridiculous. Brides and grooms are perfectly capable of behaving like divas,whether or not they have children present. Having a child free wedding does not that mean that one is acting like a diva. Now if the bride had a hissyfit,and tried to guilt trip guests who couldn't/wouldn't make it to the wedding because of this,I'd call her a diva.

I went to a wedding where children were included,but every detail of the wedding had to be exact. The bride dictated exactly what the guests wore,the exact shade. Children were to remain in their seats at all times,this was the reception. The bridal party had a separate,and much nicer meal. She only wanted to allow two drinks per adult,no she wasn't paying,as she didn't want everyone to be tipsy or drunk at the wedding. I could go on.

Its such a personal question that really what I think is irrelevant. But what I think is -

• it's all or nothing, either children come to the whole lot or are not invited to any of it. Very difficult for parents to attend the ceremony without their children! Unless there is a sort of side room where you could have a nanny to read stories/do colouring with the children or something?

• Personally I think you should invite children and trust that the parents will behave appropriately, taking them out if needed. You could always reserve rows near the back for those with very small children who might need to zoom out (TBH their parents will probably go for these rows anyway, because uppermost in any parents mind is "OMG what if my toddler howls during the vows?"!) TBH if we were invited to the party and not the ceremony I would think "do they think we don't know how to manage our children sensitively?"

• I personally don't get the argument that is sometimes made, that the ceremony is "about the bride and groom" or that it is "their moment" - because I am christian and see marriage as a sacrament, really the "doing" in the ceremony is done by God and the ceremony is about God, joining you together and blessing you and your families and your friends and community. However that's just my personal take.

... and if the vows get interrupted for a second or two by the laughter of children or a little baby crying, well, so what? That's life and life is what marriage is about.

YANBU. I plan to do the same when I get married. It may cause upset but I have witnessed first hand how children can spoil a wedding ceremony if they are badly behaved and the same children would have to be invited to my wedding and I don't want my wedding ceremony ruined by children lying on the ground, kicking and screaming and throwing sweets at each other as what happened during one family members wedding. Of course not all children are like that but I wouldn't take the risk.

PiperRose Thank you! :) I do agree, I would understand if they didn't want to come, but I think those it would affect would be able to sort out childcare.

AnnaLegovah If people find the wedding boring, then I have to say, that's tough. It's about us getting married, and that's the important thing. As I said to DP, not too fussed where it is, if it's not a big affair, as long as it happens. I sincerely doubt any of my guests, bar maybe one or two, will be in the least bothered about kids not 'adding' to the day.

mijas99 Sorry but this did make me laugh (the part about being a diva). I can't imagine anyone associating that word with me, but fair enough. I'm aware this might make me sound like I'm having a boast, but so you don't think I'm a dictating monster of a person, most of my money goes on gifts for DP, stuff for our house, the pets, parents, friends... not asked for, I'd rather give than buy things for myself. So I can't really adopt the diva lifestyle, and I hate asking for things. It's easier for me to reply to accusations like that online, if you said it to be IRL I'd probably apologise and walk away upset for the rest of the day.

I don't mind a child free wedding but if you invited my 6 yo to the reception but wouldn't let her into the ceremony then I'd think you were crackers tbh. At 6 they have had at least a year, possibly 2 of school where they are perfectly able to understand sitting still and not talking. My youngest is 5 and sits through an hour long Catholic Mass every week without making a sound.
That said, I went to a huge baptism on Sunday and about half a dozen children made their voices heard and a couple of them were taken out. I would think they were all under 2 though and certainly under 3.

Yes of course its your day. If you are the hosts, you can do what you want. But most hosts think about the welfare of their guests and how to ensure , as far as possible, they have a good time too.

Many guests have to travel some distance to a wedding. They pay for travel cost ( train fare, taxi, fuel), accommodation ,meals and drinks not provided at your wedding, buy new outfits and a gift. For weddings like yours, they perhaps have to travel a long distance to drop off their children at a relatives. They probably buy a gift ( chocolates, flowers ) for that friend or relative .

That's quite a considerable amount of money for many people.

In return you have paid for them to have a meal, perhaps £80 for the couple. So in hard economic terms, they have paid out a lot more to come to your wedding that you have to invite them.

So maybe, just maybe, they are entitled to want to have a good time too, and not just be the extras in the movie of " my perfect wedding " .

And yes, of course, most guests want to be with you on this special day. And it's not about money. But then, it shouldn't be just about YOU ( the bride and groom ) either. Less foot stamping and insisting " it's all about ME" would be a good attitude for the day and , dare I suggest it, for marriage itself .

I went to a wedding where children were included,but every detail of the wedding had to be exact. The bride dictated exactly what the guests wore,the exact shade. Children were to remain in their seats at all times,this was the reception. The bridal party had a separate,and much nicer meal. She only wanted to allow two drinks per adult,no she wasn't paying,as she didn't want everyone to be tipsy or drunk at the wedding. I could go on.

Wow, that sounds quite horrible. :( I wouldn't ask for anyone to remain seated at any time, that's quite harsh. Not even my bridesmaids will be 'told' what to wear! We're having the same menu (with choices of course) for everyone, no exceptions (apart from some guests who need separate meals, for dietary/medical reasons).
We were planning on providing every drink at the meal, wine on tables, at the party we did plan on just letting people buy their own, though. Although buffet will be provided. :)

browneyedgirl86 That was my worry too, just people seem to think it's being bossy and exclusive. :/ I tend to think that it is one day that can be about you, to an extent, and that it's not completely unreasonable to ask for kids not to attend.

" But the weddings that make me really cross are the 'child-free except for a select group of children' weddings. I went to one of those last year where the vast majority of kids weren't invited except for the bride's niece and nephew - that just smacks of 'your kids aren't important enough' which annoyed me for some reason. "

But other people's kids aren't anywhere near as important to you as your own nephews/nieces and young cousins. Likewise, it wouldn't mean anywhere as much to your child to watch some bloke who works with their dad get married- whereas they would probably want to see their auntie in her wedding dress.

Getting offended by "family children" only invites is beyond entitled and PFB.

Op I agree with several previous posters who said that inviting children to only part of the wedding complicates things. I think all or none is more reasonable.

What do you expect families to do during the ceremony? Unless you are providing a creche it is hardly going to be easy to find an hours childcare in a strange location.

Personally I think children add to weddings, especially as a wedding is traditionally about starting a family. I have never been to a wedding where children have interrupted the ceremony and I do think you are being a bit precious on this point.

What about breastfeeding mums, would they be allowed to bring babes in arms?

Good grief you will confuse your guests even more than us if you think "reception" means "evening only".
Feel I've been commenting pointlessly on this thread as you are proposing something entirely different. Good luck with having people bring 6 and 1.5 years olds out just for the evening!

Maybe I should have said this in my first post, but could people please stop assuming I want this day to be about me, and me alone?

• We're not excluding children so that I can be the centre of attention. I'm quite shy and already absolutely terrified at the thought of walking down the aisle and speaking in front of people (vows). I'm doing it because I want to marry DP, not to be the star of the show.

• We have considered our guests. They will have transport provided, meal and drinks for ceremony guests, buffet for the reception. As a previous poster suggested, I will perhaps look at childcare near the venue.

• We're not looking for presents. Our guests can choose to bring one, or not. We don't need anything, nor would we dream of asking for specific things. We will also be telling our parents not to bring presents (although I assume they will, as parents do!) as they have contributed to the ceremony costs, which was lovely of them and DP and I are very, very grateful.

I never think it makes sense to say the wedding is 'all about the bride and groom': why bother inviting anyone else, in that case?

If you don't want children at your wedding, you're more than entitled not to have them. It's not up to other people to dictate what you can and can't do on your wedding day.
We originally didn't want kids on our wedding day. So we said this. Cue a lot of huffing, puffing, whinging, cries and blubs of how so terribly unreasonable we were being from members of the family. So we backed down cos we were soft in the head and relented.
Cue toddler screaming and waffling on throughout the entire bloody ceremony even though prior to the wedding we'd been assured if they were disruptive they'd have been taken out.
So half the congregation couldn't hear the vows properly, and on the wedding video they've been drowned out completely.
STICK TO YOUR GUNS, and don't let entitled parents who can't bear to be away from their precious for one sodding day tell you what to do.
Yes, I'm a parent now. I wouldn't DREAM of huffing if my kids weren't invited, though. People get ridiculous over weddings.
Oh, and no you shouldn't have to provide a creche as suggested! For Christ's sake.

I'm sorry but your plan sounds ridiculous and a logistical nightmare for any parents coming (ie kids invited only to the middle bit). You need to decide whether you want child free or not and then stick to it. Children to some bits and not others is madness. At least if you say child free the parents can organise one bit of childcare and then enjoy the wedding. Where do you think they are going to park their kids during ceremony and then again for dinner? The kids club?

OP your current plants are bonkers and unworkable. Just make it a child free affair throughout. If you leave things as they are people will get confused and I guarantee you some parents will attempt to bring their children to the church.

So families have to find childcare for the service, for the food/photos/speeches, and then take fractious tired kids to the evening do...

I would just not invite kids at all.

P.s. you are under the TOTALLY MISTAKEN IMPRESSION that everyone refers to the evening do as "the reception" THEY DO NOT.... most refer to the bit AFTER the ceremony as the reception and the other as the evening do.....