Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for wanting a joint account?

182 replies

Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 08:33

Me and OH been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and have DD 3 months. we own our own home. I'm currently on maternity leave and after a discussion have decided that I will stay home with DD as it wouldnt be worth going to work after childcare costs etc. I was feeling quite guilty about it all at first feeling I was sponging but I'm past that now as OH keeps saying we're a family etc.

I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts.

I'm worried that I'm going to be shopping and if I have to sign for it I'm going to be in trouble for using his card arnt I?

any other sahp not have a joint account? how do you deal with the money? did your partner send money to your account?

any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Runswithsquirrels · 10/12/2013 08:37

We use one of my accounts as a 'joint account'. When we get paid we both pay into it and the bills come out of there. Would this work for you?

princessalbert · 10/12/2013 08:37

You either have a joint account, or he transfers a good portion from 'his' wage into your own account so that you can go shopping and pay for stuff.

princessalbert · 10/12/2013 08:39

OP won't have an income.

When I was with XP - I cut my work hours right down,when DS was born - and he transferred money into my account for household expenses and my own spends etc.

Now with DH we have a joint account - and each have a separate account.

the lines are blurred on who pays for what - it doesn't really matter to us.

ZillionChocolate · 10/12/2013 08:40

Using his card is a really bad idea. If he's willing to allow you access to "his account" then a joint account presents less risk to him.

If he doesn't want a joint account, bill him for childcare/housekeeping/food.

MinesAPintOfTea · 10/12/2013 08:41

If he's got the attitude I'd go back to work to keep you're independence. And hwy him to pay for half the childcare!

Seriously, he has the attitude that you're going to take his money which means you can't have an equal partnership sharing resources in the way you'd like Sad

Hermione123 · 10/12/2013 08:42

I think it's a massive red flag not to have a joint account. He does not have to put all his salary in a joint account, but he does need to put an agreed amount in the account to cover outgoings. Saying work colleagues say it causes arguments isn't good enough, not giving you independent access to money is financially controlling. I've got friends who's partners have turned out to be not paying their taxes, cheating etc, all enabled by their wives not having any financial info. You should in fact go back to work if he's not willing to properly recognize your contribution and split the childcare costs...

jammiedonut · 10/12/2013 08:44

Yanbu unreasonable to want one, but you could also just get him to transfer some money to your account. Shared finances don't have to mean joint accounts and I'm on the fence with them as I've been burned in the past (you have to be 100% sure the other won't clean out the account at the first sign of trouble!). You sound like you are on the same page, so I'm sure that'll be an acceptable solution to your dh.

Norudeshitrequired · 10/12/2013 08:44

You don't need a joint account, lots of people don't bother with joint accounts these days, but you do need to agree that he will transfer a set amount to your account every month.

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 08:46

thank you for your comments and suggestions. he says I can have anything I want etc but it's just something he doesn't agree with. he doesn't want to be one of them couples that argue over money he says. like I said we have an amazing relationship and never argue.

I'm just surprised he won't budge on this seeing as the house is in both our names. if we can do that then why not a joint account.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 08:47

I was worried about using his card in the shops but transferring money is a good idea Smile.

OP posts:
whereisshe · 10/12/2013 08:49

His work colleagues say they argue about joint accounts and that's it, he's decided?? That's not good enough, that shuts you out of the decision process.

I think if you have joint expenses (for example, household groceries) then it should come out of a joint account. If money is tight, agree a budget and stick to it by all means, but the money is shared money, how can it not be? It's not like you're buying loo roll for your own personal entertainment...

In any case, you're not unilaterally choosing to be a SAHP, it's a joint decision. Hence so is the money management a joint decision. FWIW I earn all the money in our house, all of my pay goes into a joint account and DH accesses it for whatever he needs. I would never dream of giving him an "allowance" or similar, it would be so demeaning for him.

Redcliff · 10/12/2013 08:49

How is he expecting you to pay for things? If he is suggesting he pays a lump sum into your account each month I would be ok with that but if you have to ask for cash all the time I can't see that working.

Onefewernow · 10/12/2013 08:50

He is saying you can be trusted with his children but not his money

BramblyHedge · 10/12/2013 08:53

We have a joint account for everything and have never argued about any spending as we trust each other not to go nuts. We discuss any big spends. We have the same approach to spending which helps.

friday16 · 10/12/2013 08:56

We asked for advice from cohabiting friends when we started cohabiting thirty years ago, and set up a joint account into which we pay an agreed contribution, proportional to our incomes. The level was set so that it didn't build up a balance over time, and it had no overdraft facility (although it's acquired a small one in the intervening years to avoid savage bank charges if we make a mistake). Salaries into our own accounts, then contribution (agreed) on a standing order each month. There's been some variations when one or the other of us hasn't been working, or when we've been living on savings, and over time the strict definition of what is joint has become looser so that a larger proportion of our money goes through the joint account. And occasionally we've had to argue the toss with banks that want such-and-such to come from an account which has a salary going into it, although I've not heard that problem for ten years or more.

We've never done joint credit cards, we've always kept our own, although there's a complex dance at the end of the month in which we settle the full balance, but partially from our own accounts and partially from the joint account. We did play with having two credit cards each, one joint and one for ourselves, but it didn't seem worth the effort.

But the basic principle is sound, I think. No credit balance to run off with, no overdraft to run up, and we each have two debit cards, one for our own stuff and one for the family, and we each have our own credit cards. Our sole name finances are private (we don't have access to each other's accounts online, for example) but the joint finances are joint. It's worked for thirty years.

kmc1111 · 10/12/2013 08:59

I don't like joint accounts, a lot of people do end up squabbling over spending habits that aren't actually causing any problems, which is probably what his work mates were warning against. A lot of people like to have some level of privacy, even if all they're 'hiding' is that they treat themselves to a magazine or similar occasionally.

He doesn't seem at all averse to you having access to 'his' money though, he's already said it's family money, so just work out between yourselves what amount you want/need and have him transfer it over to your account on pay day. To me this actually provides more protection. Once it's in your account, it's yours, when it's in a joint account he could just transfer it back out, spend it etc. if he was so inclined.

Locketjuice · 10/12/2013 09:00

He wants you to have to ask before buying anything basically then?

I would say you want xyz in your account every week for expenses if he won't have a joint account!
How can you 'not agree' with joint accounts?! What's not to agree to? Your a family therefor money is shared, he trusts you 100% just not enough to let you access the money?

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 09:03

I can get to the account. I have passwords and he happily hands over his cards. this is why I don't understand not having the joint account. trust me what his workmates say is gospel a lot of the time Wink ..theyre much older than him have older children etc. I think they try to put him off a lot of stuff because their relationships are not great. they're the type to say don't get married, don't have kids etc Hmm but luckily he didn't listen to that.

he honestly isn't abusive , we're open with each other and nothing is withheld. I'll have another talk later...show him the thread Smile

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 10/12/2013 09:04

We have a joint account - it was no big 'decision' - it was a logical thing to do when we moved in together, to pay the bills and mortgage. Couples can and do live perfectly fine without a joint account, but I'm suspicious of his reasons tbh - it sounds like a dodgy excuse to me. How does he suggest you pay for the shopping?

If you are not married, be extremely careful about giving up your financial independence and becoming a sahm. You will be leaving yourself vulnerable to financial abuse -not saying he will do that of course- but I'm very suspicious of men who are cagey about money, yet happy for their partners to give up work to look after their children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2013 09:05

"I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts"

I suppose as well he is one of these men who trusts you with the children but not money. Another respondent has used the term "financially controlling" and that is about the sum of it here. You need to determine the real reasons why, parental attitudes likely lie at the heart of his decision made actually without any input from you.

He is using a piss poor excuse here (work colleagues indeed, does he trust them more over you then?) and he knows it. You will not be able to use his bank card either to buy shopping; that card also remains the property of the bank and many stores use chip and pin these days. Sending money from his account to yours; fgs you are not five and he should trust you more. He does not trust you.

I think you have made yourself extremely vulnerable here and he knows that as well. You're not married so that makes your own legal position pretty poor too. He wants to keep onto this power by making you ask/beg for money each time you need it. What do you do then if he starts accusing you of "spending too much"?. Its abusive behaviour on his part actually. You can have "anything" you want but you cannot have a joint account. That to me is showing his true nature towards you.

I would re-post your initial post in "Relationships" as this is actually more of a relationship issue than an AIBU one.

loopylouu · 10/12/2013 09:06

My dh is an arse in a few ways, but not with money.

We have a joint account that everything goes into. I am in charge of it all even though he works at the mo and i don't.

He still has an account, but it was a student one so the overdraft is still on it. I transfer £50 per month into it and he spends that on his computer hobby on ebay. I take £50 out of things like hair dye and little bits.

Everything else, nights out together etc comes out the joint account.

loopylouu · 10/12/2013 09:07

Forgot to say, my last marriage we didn't have a joint account. I had to beg for and account for every penny. It was awful.

mercibucket · 10/12/2013 09:09

as sabrina says

if you are not married dont become a sahp

I would insist on joint accounts but in my family the women organise the finances

if not then you need a separate account for household expenses. then you need a wage off him for staying at home looking after the kids. otherwise he gets spending money and you dont

BramblyHedge · 10/12/2013 09:09

Neither of us feel the need to hide anything though. If I want to buy a skirt I buy a skirt. If DH wants to buy something for his bike he buys it. If we want a new TV or a new bike or something big we discuss it. We both know how much money we have so know how much is reasonable to spend and have no need to hide anything. If we have less money then the threshold at which we discuss something is lower. If I suddenly need to buy three pairs of kids shoes in a month then I tell DH so he knows we need a leaner month.

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 09:10

I've said to him its insulting to me because it's like he doesn't trust me and it makes me feel worse the fact I have to stay home and 'live off' someone. he looked quite upset because he hates it if I'm unhappy with him. he said he trusts me 100%. one thing that comes to mind now is the fact his dad left his mum in a lot of debt. maybe that's why he's afraid.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread